Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 57, 3 August 1901, Page 12

Entre Nous

A RATHER gcncious tradesman, who dmes> in the city at mid - day, tells of a strange after he h da commenced his meal, experience he had recently. Just a shabby-genteel individual entered — an utter stranger — and, nervously taking oit his hat, made a straight dive for his tab c. Sitting down, he whispered "I say sir, would you shout me a feed, I really have had nothing to eat for a few days, and am famished." Astounded at the request, the city man told him to give his order to the approaching atte^ant. He did so, and there was no mistake about his being hungry. "As he looked as if he could do two meals, I told him to have another, and he polished it off just as I had finished my plate. Fearing that he might, want a third, I handed him two shi'lings, and departed." Yes, there are some hungry wen in this town without a doubt, but the well-fed portion of the community know little about them. ♦ • » The scene is laid in the New town tram, outward bound. The tram is, as ever, overcrowded, and the latest candidate for a seat is a well-known citizen of ponderous proportions. Several people do not vacate their seats for him, and so has twenty stone of adiposity crowds the aisle. He has a grievance, and formulates it thus —"The Corporation wants a bigger tram." Then the nine-stone man, on whose foot he has been standing glares savagely at the citizen's protuberant embonpoint, and replies "Yes, but the tram does not want a bigger 'corporation.' " And crushed humanity raised the only smile of the trip. • • • With astonishing frequency the J.P conies before the public, and astounds it with his own home-made idea of justice. Two recent cases call for comment. A Milton man became so intoxicated that a constable and six civilians were required to take him to the police office. He was violent, and obscene, and the passers-by prophesied all sorts of "terms" for him. The poor man's offence, according to the Js.P., was drunkenness. So the charge of profanity was dismissed, and he was fined 20s for resisting the po'ice. He was such a nice man when he was sober, that the average person comes to the conclusion that he acts his part except under the "influence." Compare the sentence with one recently served out at Mangaweka. The same charge was brought against a resident with a family of eight. Twenty shillings fine for re«sistance p No l Seven months' hard labour. Wherefore this disparity ? Tho country cries aloud for uniformity of justice.

The farmers had a festival all on their own at Palmerston North last week, and the town was full of butter, cheese, and poultry experts. About half-a-dozen different asoeiations and societies connected with the dairy industry, each holding a Conference on their own. • # * An exhibition of dairy utensils, etc., did not pan out a financial succesfe, many of the sturdy sons of the soil prefernng to cling to antiquated methods than make themselves familiar with the handling of modern dairying machinery. The combined exhibition and conference is stated to be the first of the kind held outside the British Isles, and a more central district than the Manawatu for the gathering could not wish to be selected. • • * As usual, thei farmers were \ cry voluble in their utterances, and the local papers published full reports of the proceedings, which, of course, was very 111teiesting reading. It was very amusing to observe some of the back-blocks settlers. Two pioneers were noticed having a heated argument as to the merits of rival separators, while another was very free in his remarks concerning the qualities of a certain herd of cattle. Then* there was an old German settler, w ho — after pathetically addressing a number of young men as to how a few years ago, with but half-a-crown in his pocket, he invested in some bush land in the King Country, and turned the sods at night, with the lantern dimly burning, and was now the possessor of several herd of cattle, and also the father of several children, and with a good banking account to boot — wound up an eloquent peroration by advising the rising generation to "go on the soil , go on the soil, young man." • ♦ ♦ lI. R H. the Duke of York, during his flight through New Zealand, frequently left behind him mementoes to public" men m the shape of silver cigarette cases. This action of the Royal donor has created a mild boom, and where public men have faithfully served the country for long years nothing is so fashionable — and few things so cheap • • * There is one good man in town who has been in a sore state of perplexity during the last week or two. He had never gamb'ed previously, but thought he would have a shot at Tattersall's sweep to test his luck, so he sent across for four tickets. But, as it was inadvisable that they should be sent to his house, on account of the expressed principles of his people, who might open the letter, and as it would be equally inadvisable for his name to appear in print if he won a big prize he had the tickets addressed to the Post Offioe to a fictitious name Now, those tickets have arrived, but, for the life of him, he cannot think of the norn de plume he gave-^-it has clean escaped his memory, and his peace of mind is sadly disturbed in consequence. Of course, the postal authorities cannot plank down all their letters, and ask him to pick out one so those slips of paper wi+h their chance of great riches will find their way to the Dead Letter Office. There is a little moral concealed here somewhere and it does not need a microscope to find it

Trust experienced criminals to knowhow to keep out of the hands of the law . Travelling on the Manawatu line the other day might have been seen a rather sleek-looking person, attired in clerical garb, and intently reading a prayer-book. Now, it happened that the Diocesan Synod had been sitting, and had just concluded its labours, and members were homeward bound. Four of them entered his compartment and gazed vacantly at him, plainly denoting that they did not know him from a tallow candle. It was apparent the pray-er-book gentleman had not bargained for such a contingency , he was sitting alongside the door, and slipped out, only to find another batch of clerics "farewelling" on the platform. His only hope was a second-class car, and he popped into one, trembling from head to foot. It has since transpired that he is a notorious criminal, that the police were on the look out for him, that he used the clerical device to give them the slip, and that he was lost sight of at Palmerston North.

Poor old Barnyard has returned to his farm with his nerves shattered, and a determination to eschew the seductions of the city for ever. It happened thus. His nephew in the city had led the unsuspecting old man to one of the electric slot machines. "Just drop a penny in, Uncle, turn the handle, and get a beer." "By Jove, boy, but that's cheap'" And then the struggle commenced. He racked every nerve in his body with the "shocker," but no beer came. Ho contracted enough electricity to run a car, or light a hall, but no beer 1 He attends church regularly, but his language on this occasion was freely interspersed with gems of thought not sacred, and as he became detached from the hand'es, he asked for one concentrated whack at his nephew and the maker of the slot machine. • ♦ ♦ A practical joke, which considerably annoyed the victim, and not without cause, was played on a resident of a Northern town. He is by no means a non-abstainer, but there is not associated with lus> name that eccentricity which i& a characteristic of the jovial, happy-go-lucky individual who plies the wine too merrily. The other day he received, per medium of the post, a piece of blue paper — an application for the issue of a prohibition order against him, the case to be heard on. a given date. His rage knew no bounds, and he rushed oft to the police station to know the meaning of such a piece of gross impertinence; but, as nothing was known of the matter there, a visit was paid to the Courthouse, where it w as found that the officials were just as much in the dark as the police. Examination of the document proved that it was a forgery, but that did not satisfy the recipient, who reported the incident, and we understand that an inquiry is to be held in order to ascertain who supplied the Court -form and who forwarded it to the aggrieved person. ♦ ♦ ♦ A prominent commercial traveller, noted for his dry humour, who travels the North Island in the interests of a much-advertised firm, entered a wellfilled railway carriage one day last week, struck up a conversation with a country parson, and the sallies of the pailcaused a simmer of merriment to permiatc the compartment during most of the journey. It may be mentioned that the man of cloth was in utter ignorance of the identity of his fellow- traveller, or what profession he followed. "But you have not told me your line yet," exclaimed the parson, as the other was about to get out. "Next line to yours," was the reply. "Next line to mme — what may that be?" asked the puzzled cleric. "Soap," was the leply; "cleanliness Ls next to godliness, you know." And, with a quiet smile, he left the platform.

A paity of bachelors, who are 'something in the city," and who are not unacquainted with telegraph instruments, betook themselves to the bush recently to eniov a well-won holiday In the bush in which their temporary lodgings was located, the timber was tough and "knotty." and the timbergetters were in the habit of using dynamite to split it. The weather was cod, and wood plentiful, so, on their return from their diurnal peregrinations, they piled log on loe, and had a roaring fire. As the flames lapped the fuel greedily, one of the party was observed to pae and shiver. "Good Heavens chaps, look at that'" The "that" referred to was a dynamite charge protruding from the back log, and the log was already in flames. • • • The discoverer did not wait to examine the effect, and he had not studied the science of explosives He did not even wait for his hat, or even ordinarily enveloping habilhments, but in the language of everyday, "got." His mates followed him, also scantily clothed, and camped under the frosty stais in momentary expectation of the demise of their whare. No explosion eventuated and =o they. unable to endure the cold loneer, decided to send an emissary to ascertain the reason of +he delayed destruction. He returned, and of course, found the fire out, and no Men of the dynamite. Pe?-haps, if tho«e townsmen had seen biishmeu hdit a stick of dynamite while holding it in his fingers they mi<?ht have known that a cap is necessary to detonate tho_ charge and so have been saved frost-bite and shattered nerves. • • • It was a very mean trick to play on a man — very mean, indeed. A rather oonceited individual, who is not too popular with his "set," had his annual birthday last week, as usual, and a few of his friends thought they would make him a little present. He received a hint that something of the sort was on the tapis, and, sure enough, he next day received a cheque, signed somewhat illegibly for two pounds. He did not Day much attention to the siemature, but stalked into a hotel and cashed it • • • It transpired a couple of days afterwards that the whole thing was a hoax, that the cheque was valueless, and things looked blue when the hotelkeeper, whom he did not know very well, threatened to give him in charge. Rounding up the man who had given him the hint, the maker of the cheque was discovered and the upshot was that that individual paid up the £2, with the assistance of a couple of others in the know. They were scared a bit, but said they never dreamt that the cheque would be cashed. However, it is wonderful how easy these little pieces of paper can be changed into coin. Of course, the receiver has the laugh of Ins friends — they had to pay what they never intended paying, and he has the change from the original two pounds. • ♦ • They say that a bad excuse is better than none, but some people have not the presence of mind when occasion requires to make even that. The c'erical staff of one establishment in town is pretty large, and members take it in turn ' to step out at eleven o'clock for some mysterious reason best known to themselves. The other day one of them ran plump into the head of the firm, who abruptly asked him where he was going? Well, it was so sudden that the clerk did not really know where he was going, so he blurted, out, "Please, sir, I was ereing to get my hair cvt 1 " "Well," said the boss, "that's a new name for it, but you had better go back to the office, and get your hair cut in your own time." • • • Ju&t at present there are two local scribes who are not interested in whales. The Artilleiy was having big-gun practice, and the resultant spouts of water were of interest to the pair, who, from the steps of Parliament House, smelt 'copy." 'Why," said one, who has done some amateur whaling himself, and is an authority. "That's very like a whale. "Hello' there's another. why, its a school. " And then he proceeded to give priceless infoimation as to the habits of the mammoth, the size of the spout, and so on. He had already worked up a paragraph about the occurrence, and felt glad. Then a third scribe joined them. "Seen the whales, Scribbles?" queried the blubber expert. "Whales be blowed," said the unregenerate Scribbles "that's the big guns from the fort " The expert has resigned his position as an authority now, and dors not even mention whales. • • • Newspaper editors aie astonished at nothing — or, rather, they are never astonished at anything. But the editorial "Me" of a Southern sporting journal narrowly escaped providing the exception to the rule some days ago A correspondent, after addressing: him by a short "pet" name, proceeded to tell of his (writer's) love, and to take the editor (presumably) to task for deliberately

walking out with "that sketch ." In this strain "Loo" went on for a w hole foolscap page, but by this tune the newspaper man realised that some love-lorn sporting swain had enclosed the wrong letter in the envelope and he, very properly, refused to further divulge its contents. Now the editorial 'Me" is wondering who got the greatest shoek — he himself, the fair damsel when she received the perhaps racy letter intended for the sporting editor, or the amorous young man when he read the "Answers to Corresnondents" telling him of lus fatal mistake ' • • • A new debt collector was recently employed by a town firm, and there was no mistake about him being suited for the bdlet His loidly cannot-give-you-any-more-time air, and his vigorous language, succeeded in extracting more cash withing a given period than did his predecessors. But he "fell in" the other day. Bouncing through the gate, and rapping loudly at the door, he was confronted by a lady with a wood-en-bottomed broom. Before she had time to speak he asked, in a strident tone of voice, when she was, going to pay up, said it was a scandalous thing

that his firm should have to wait so long for their money ; he must have something on account, and so forth. The next thing he noticed was that the air was full of broom and anathema, and he was the destination of both. Ultimately, he left the place a battered wreck. The gentleman had struck the light house, but the people for whom ho was looking had vacated it for another tenement. • • • Kilbirnie is determined that when big fires come its way it will be ready to combat them. Owing to the energetic enthusiasm of the local Fire Brigade, a general canvass has been made, and it is now only a matter of a short time befoie the equipment of the brigade will compare favouiably with cities of the co'ony. The decision to have one of Shand Mason's latest single cylinder steam fire engines, to cope with the devastating element, says something for the go-ahead policy of the heads of the brigade. The engine is to be capable of throwing 120 gallons of water per minute a distance of 150 feet. Some of the 90 odd Fire Brigades of the colony might well follow the lead of the Kilbirnie people.