Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume I, Issue 51, 22 June 1901, Page 12

Entre Nous

DURING the stay of the United States flagship Brooklyn in Wellington wateis, a party of her officers, who are enthusiastic golfists, took several turns on the Miramar links. One of the officers had some good stones,. One of them he started in this way, with a strong nasal accompaniment . — "There was a loud, hissing noise, and the heavens were lighted up much as our searchlight illuminated Melbourne during the Duke's visit. A man with a white coat, knee breeches, and a long leathern bag halted, leaned on his stick, and gazed aloft. What lie saw coming right at him was a ball of fire, trailing a streak of fire. Before he could move, "bish!" was the sound he heard, for something had struck the earth a few feet in front of him. He felt curious, and, after doing some digging, he found a small, greyish ball imbedded in the earth. Gazing at it much as Hamlet must have gazed at the skull, the knickerbockered man remarked "Great Scott, what a drive! They must be playing golf in Mars, too!" * * * An amusing story reaches us from W T ilhs-street. It relates to a wellknown medico and a certain chemist, who also fills the important role of public vaccinator. Some years ago this chemist was put to considerable expense in litigation, in which his professional competency was involved, and he blamed various doctors for taking an unfriendly part against him. It was one of these who dashed up the other day in his barouche, and entered breathlessly, to exclaim, "You have got an accident case here, I believe? I'm wanted for it. "Who sent for you ?" asked the chemist, with a look of profound astonishment, and an air of the utmost composure. "Hadn't you better get vaccinated?" The medico understood, but did not relish the allusion, and, with a sotto voce remark that sounded like, "I'll vaccinate you," he beat a retreat. * » » They are going to have things warm in America. A new combine has produced an immense capital, and will "corner" all the stoves in Yankee-land. America, at the present rate of progress, seems to be m a fair way to being divided up into industrial sections, and ow ned bv a few individuals. While the fat are grow ing fatter, the poor are working for less, and longer. New Zealand, beware of "corners" !

One of Wellington's "naicest" Society leaders, who is presiding over a refreshment stall at the bazaar, rather neatly snubbed a well-known gentleman, who finds it hard to let any coin slip through his fingers. In the course of a conversation, he expressed a peculiar hope that the lady would 'let him in" to the bazaar for nothing, and she leplied, "It all depends in what capacity you present yourself — I already have twenty geese for my stall." * * ♦ A Palmerston North clergyman has recently addressed a few joyful words to his flock. He told them, in the course of a dissertation on gambling and drinking, that gambling for certain people and in certain ways was perfectly legitimate. Mr. Harper, the cleric referred to, did not mention that gambling was made legitimate by law, and implied that it was morally right for a gentleman of the community to back a "sure thing." Why the reverend gent'eman should make fish of one and fowl of the other rather puzzles us, as we are wondering if we happen to be included in that part of the community which has a moral right to invest our modest "note" on the "tote." • # * The Duke of York has entered a new sphere of usefulness. We have the "New Zealand Times's" authority for this.. After giving the particulars of the Royal route, the "Times" writes that the Royal pair will "drive to the site of the new Town Hall, where his Royal Highness will lay the evening dinner Government House 8 p.m." • ♦ * A mischief-loving miss, who arrived from Wanganui last week, and put up at the cosy domicile of her sister, got into sad trouble through a foolish and impulsive freak. Her brother-in-law prides himself on his long chin-hair, and the visiting fay, during dinner-ex-ercise, threatened to cut some of it off, as it looked so much like a new American broom. He laughingly dared her to do so, and, when he was taking an afterdinner nap on the parlour couch, she carried out her threat, mentally wondering what he would say when next he mirrored himself in his bedroom. * * * He said something, all right ; his remarks were impregnated with sulphur and brimstone, and he ended up by firing his loving sister-in-law and her baggage out of the house. The angered man would not listen to the entreaties of his wife, and the crestfallen girl had to tramp round looking for suitable lodgings. The high prices asked disgusted her, and she cleared off to Wanganui next day without waiting to see His Royal Shortness and his fair lady # * * It is not usual for hotel proprietors to apprise patrons that their particular hotel is not in a whole condition, or that they perpetrate a humorous decoration. The licensee of the "Empire Hotel" labels his mural design the "Empire unfinished." Bricks in the one instance, and red paint in. the other, ought to rectify the unfinished work.

It is not often that the tables are turned as they were quite lately, as the outcome of a little love affair. A wellconnected lady, who had been, discarded by a fickle lover, told him, in the street one afternoon, that her two big brothers intended thrashing him on sight. Also, he received a letter from the father, expressing profound indignation at his conduct to his daughter; called him a '"contemptible cad," and wound up by threatening to knock him to smithereens when opportunity afforded. A cheerful prospect, truly ! * * * About a week afterwards, the threatened man unexpectedly met the younger brother off Molesworth-street, and the two were quickly mixed up in a wild and woolly tussle. The upshot was that the brother-in-law-thafc-was-to-be gave his assailant such an unmerciful pummelling that the latter was glad to cry "enough." This made the elder brother more furious, and, when his turn came, he slashed in in a madheaded fashion, but did little harm, his intended and more scientific victim thrashing him until his face was almost a pulp. He is now waiting for the rather to come along. The young lady is, no doubt, disgusted at the failure of her relatives to uphold the martial honour of their house. Perhaps, she would do better herself with a horsewhip !

His IVutbhip (pays a visit to Ingest) e Stieet and finds the Decoration uorkmen all searching high and low for something) . Halloa, what's the mattei heie l Han anything been IoU * Bill Smith (decorative artist) We'iebw>y, yom WotMp, *,eai thing for that bit of ribbon the Reception Committee gave us to decQiate liKjebtic btreet uitli. We teckoiib ai> how it may have got blown cLoilil one of the btreet gratings.

Mastciton Magnate • Ah, how do, Hori ; ojf to Rotoiua to >>ee the Duke, eh f Hari Kikoiohakari) i (chief of the Noatikaikais) : Rather, you bet , my word. Kapai the Tooke. The Tooke and Dick Seddon all right. No Flies on Dick, Free pabb tit train and plenty of tucker. Me like the Tooke. And Dick he xco ry big chief. What you say, eh *

The Lance hears that the Duke perpetrated a ioke during the procession in Wellington. His Royal Highness, as he passed along Lambton Quay, and observed the tin shields on the Venetian masts, exclaimed : "Quite evidently the people here are well-to-do!" "How is that, George?" asked the Duchess. "Why, they have got lots of tin!" he demurely said. And the crowd wondered what made Princess May sit up so suddenly' (N.B. — This is a Government House joke.) « • • Here is the latest culvert story. An auctioneer of merry habits had had a sale in the country, and, between the time of his going out of town along the highway, in the morning, and his returning after dark, a culvert had been opened up, and, as the job could not be finished that night, the workmen put up the usual blockade and lamps. Along came the merry auctioneer, driving his smart horse and gig at top speed. Seeing the warning lights, and not knowing why they should represent anything but another merry party, the M. A. yelled, "Git on your right side!" No response, and no movement. "Git over, you blanketty -blank plowworm!" No response. "If you don't git over I'll drive into you, my boy!" And, getting no reply, he "let her go," and since picking himself and his horse out of the culvert he has been chary of night lights. ♦ » • Is there any connection between that rumour, published some mouths ago in the Lance, concerning the descent of a gang of expert burglars from England, and the safe robberies in the South? The police, at any rate, have come to the conclusion that there is a connection between the safe operations performed in Christchurch, Lyttelton, and Dunedin. In one thing there is a decided connection, and that is, they were all safe operations so far as detection is concerned! Apparently, our detectives have been so much occupied in looking out for Archie the Anarchist, that they have not had time for Bill the Burglar. Commissioner Tunbridge will have to call off some of the attention directed upon the Duke of Cornwall in order to have it directed upon the Dook of Cracksmen. * * * Thursday night of last week, when the local division of the Salvation Army held its annual public meeting in connection with its social rescue work, was a miserably wet evening. And some of the speakers cracked their little meteorological jokes, as they had not gone prepared to talk about anything apparentlv but the weather. M.H.R. Atkinson scored, for, in referring to the wretched weather, and the small attendance, he said that if the logic of a ceitain Southern politician was followed out by those present, they would run away home and resign everything. They would give up life in disgust, as Mr. Lewis had given up his political life! The audience "twiggy-vou'd," and laughed heartily. But, there was worse to follow, for, in pointing a moral to adorn his tale, he advised the Army officers to be more discriminating than the rain, which fell upon the just and the unjust alike. An after-thought then struck the lively politician, for he added. "As a matter of fact, the rain is really falling; mostly upon the just tonight — for the unjust are staying at homo by their firesides !" Great laughter among the just.

During the visit of the Duke and Duchess of York to the Sydney University, just before they left for New Zealand, some very amusing unrehearsed effects were lifted into the programme. For instance the Duchess arrived ten minutes before the Duke, and the students, being out, of course, to paint the day red, saluted her with one long resounding cry, "Why, what have you done with the Duke?" The Duchess, at first startled, enjoyed the hilarity. • • * Later, both Duke and Duchess were staggered and amused with the cry, uttered by signal in one voice from a hundred throats, "What have you done with John See's title ?" aforesaid John See being the Premier. Altogether, the proceedings were anything but slow. Perhaps, it is just as well there is no students' function on the Wellington programme, or else we might have them roaring out at the Royal visitors, "Say, what have you done with Dick Seddon's dukedom '?" or " 'Ain't you going to decorate Mayor Aitken and Pooh Bah John Holmes ?" ♦ • * Dear Lance. — A very loyal resident of the Palmerston North district celebrated the landing of the Duke and Duchess in a way which caused no little excitement m the neighbourhood. "On Tuesday morning," he says, "I drilled an inch and a quarter hole in twenty-one different stumps, and then filled the holes with extra strong charges of blasting powder. When the Post Office flag was hauled up, off went one stump with a bang. Then followed the twenty others, at the rate of one a minute. The softest of the stumps were blown to pieces, but the hardest were only split in large blocks. This, I consider a very loyal way of firing "a Royal salute of twentyone stumps" when no cannon were available." — Yours, etc., Subscriber. • • • The dangers of the bush! Vide exchange • — "A huge stag chased two travellers for ten minutes to the bush, when the men took refuge in a big tree." A man who can keep ahead of a deer for ten minutes has no right to be travelling in the bush. The mile championship of the world is m his hands, or, perhaps, shall we say, his feet? * * * There is a big field for Temperance reform in Dawson City, Klondyke. A correspondent writes from that town of gold and ice, describing a frightful monster which has recently terrorised the inhabitants. The correspondent may, or may not, be a teetotaler. You must judge by his description of the visitation "The mastodon demolished an hotel and several houses, tossed dogs and horses into the air, and caused men to run for their lives. His skin weighed llOOlbs, and his tusk 2171b. His skeleton is fifteen feet high, and he is now on exhibition." Now is that "mastodon" a creation of the rum bottle, or a carefully constructed erection for show purposes? Why not a "mastodon" arch, typifying the terrors of the D.T.s?

The Levin people are laughing heartily over a statement made by a gentleman in the clothes line, who> formed one of a deputation that waited on the County Council to impress upon that august body the necessity of promptly lighting the inky-black spots of the town. With all the gravity of a man who is about to get his head lopped off, he stated that he knew of a honeymoon couple who arrived at Levin in the afternoon, spent most of the evening commenting upon the absence of lights, and then decided to take the late train to Paikakariki ' * * * The stolid Councillors smiled broadly at the idea of such a thing. Their experience apparently was that a couple fresh from the parson generally found something more interesting to discuss than tho absence of a commonplace gas lamp ; while, to leave Levin for Paikakariki, where the light comes mostly from candles in broken bottles, they regarded as a freak of a temporarily semi-deranged couple, who would get much better later on, thank you. * * # The Duke should really keep a scrapbook to contain all the good things that have been fired off at him in the way of suggestions during his colonial tour. It would make most interesting and entertaining reading for father and mother, at Home. For instance, an Australian country paper, in a leading article on the rabbit-extermination question, suggested that the Duke of York, during his visit to the colonies, should add rabbit pie to his menu, for then "all Australia would follow suit, and bunny would be exterminated!" Question . If the Duke took up the idea, could he claim the reward of £100,000 offered by Australia for the extermination of bunny ? * * * The latest libel on the intelligence of the J.P. A constable, with brains, is responsible for it. J.P. "Prisoner, you are discharged for being drunk and disorderly and for assaulting the constable in the imitation of his duty." All this intelligence for nothing! * * * The linotype humourist once again. A Southern paper meant to inform its readers that a well-known townsman had gone to a private hospital for treatment for an affection of his sight. But the lines got transposed, and the respected townsman's wife and friends must have been horrified when they read in the paper that he "had been suffering from a somewhat severe affection of a patient in Mrs. Blank's private hospital." * # # Gambling is responsible for many evils, and some few things that are not evils. Tasmania is likely to lose her big postal profit as a result of federation. Tattersall contributes £15,000 to the revenue, and the great "George" will probably be requested to pitch his moving tent elsewhere. New Zealand, content with its J. G. Ward, envies Tasmania's postal revenue won by gambling not a bit.

Dear Lance.— l see that Mr. John Duthie is anxious to have Petone counted in as part of the city of Wellington in the census returns. If his argument means anything, it means that Port Chalmers must also be counted in with Dunedin, Lyttelton along with Christchurch, and Onehunga and Avondale along with Auckland. I suppose the RegistrarGeneral knows his business best. — Yours, etc., All Bltje. * * * The Hooligans of Newtown played a paltry trick upon the inmates of Mount View Asylum last week. Like their brethren of freedom in the city, the lunatics decided to add their quota to the rejoicings by burning a huge bonfire. For a week a party of them were hard at work piling scrub and gorse on the topmost pinnacfe of the town belt, behind the Asylum. Then, in the twilight, one evening, some youths set a match to the pile, and the city had a premature bonfire. Nothing daunted, the victims of Luna set to work again, and began their daily toil and moil up the steep hill. But a sentry-box was placed near the pile, and nightly a watch was kept upon the wood-pile. Mount View had its great bonfire, after all, but it would have been even more impressive but for the boys. ♦ ♦ * Many and various are the devices a burglar-scared community are adopting to apprise Bill Sykes that it is unnecessary for him to ply his trade within their particular premises. Recently, a Southern business man affixed a card to his safe-door with the intimation that dynamite need not be used as his money had been banked that afternoon at 2, but that by calling at the house, or ringing up the "telephone" the burglar could obtain a cheque ! ♦ * * There has been keen competition amongst tradesmen, and especially between the dairy people, for the Ophir's custom in port. One clever butter manager got a long start over all his rivals, through witing to the Ophir in time to catch her at Sydney. That is how he won his contract in the easiest of canters. * * * The quiet of the little hamlet of Balhna has been recently broken up by a peregrinating show-lady, who was anxious, for strictly philanthropic motives, to aid the local hospital. The lady, whom many Wellingtonians know as "Madame," with a trio of beauteous daughtei*s, agreed with the president of the local hospital to hand over half the proceeds of her theatrical show to that institution. The said president alleges a column of reflections on Madame's unfair treatment in the local paper, for it transpires that, out of a total of £4 Is which should have been equally divided, Madame charged the hospital for gas, and sent on other expenses, reducing the hospital's share to 13s fid. Truly, a magnificent benefit for the Balhnaites! And Madame who kas had previous experiences, has journeyed thence for fresh hospitals to conquer.

Mis. Backblocks (am ions to yet back to her lod;)i)ir)$ at Nentown) Hi thoe, i/ou little bo;/ uith the papers, km you tell me uhere Pll <jet the Neivtown tram. Young Punehe . Yei>, mum. I guebb you'll get it behind ij ye don't mute on putty lively.