Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume I, Issue 43, 27 April 1901, Page 12

Entre Nous

HE was a stranger to Wellington, and had been spending the evening with some friends on the Terrace. Tw oof the ladies present resided at Oriental Bay, and, as he was staying in Upper Willis-street, the hostess asked him if he would kindly escort them as far as he was going. The young man had not the remotest idea where the ladies lived, and, when one of them remarked that it was a lovely ■evening for walking, he quite unconsciously suggested a walk round Oriental Bay before going home. After protesting that it was too late, the ladies eventually agreed, and, when they reached the Bay, they suddenly stopped at their residence, and calmly informed their escort that "they lived here." The young man was so thunderstruck, that he could hardly sa,y "Good night," and his feelings during his lonely walk home can be better imagined than described. He has since returned to Wanganui, with the full conviction that the Wellington ladies are much too clever for an unsophisticated young man from the country. * • * An absent-minded beggar was discovered last Sunday in a fashionable Wellington church. He is rather proud of his voice, but cannot sing with his false teeth in his mouth. There are only three of them, but they quite spoil his liquid notes, so he usually slips them out m expectation of the hymn. Last Sunday he had taken them out, as usual, and was holding them in his hand whilst his mind wandered goodness knows where. Presently, the vestryman stole up with the plate, softly nudged the absent-minded worshipper, and waited. "Oh, ah, eh, yes, said the gentleman, starting up, and, dropping his false teeth into the plate, he complacently relapsed into his brown study. • • • One of the guards of the Manawatu Railway Company would dearly like just now to have a few minutes' interview with a small Wellington joker. In the bustle of departure the other day, this particular youngster sidled up to the trustful guard, and confidentially remarked that there were two men travelling on the train without a ticket. The guard jumped to the natural conclusion, and made a hasty search for the adventurers, and, of course, without avail. Then, seeing Ins informer standing near the entrance to the station, he called out, "Where are the two men without tickets?" "On the engine!" shouted the boy.

He is a clerk in the "Buildings," and he wanted a day "off." So he got it by saying that he was going up-country to attend his father's funeral. Next morning his chief remarked . ''Oh, by the way, somebody called to see you yesterday." "Indeed! did he leave his name ? " "Oh, yes! he said he was your father." "And-er-er-what-er-did you say?" "Oh, I told ham he had better get back as soon as he could, as 'you were waiting to bury him!'" • • « A little bicycle incident caused a few chaste smiles down Nelson way the other day. The Rev. F. W. Isitt, the cold-water apostle, emerged from a shop in deep converse with a number of friends upon a topic of absorbing interest. Crossing the road, he picked up a bike, which be believed to be his own, from the wayside, and, bidding adieu to the party, wheeled off. Now , the real owner of that machine noted its disappearance, and, being fond of a joke, informed the police of the occurrence. Result was, of course, the return of the bike with profuse apologies, which were smilingly accepted by the owner, who was no other than a local w ino and spirit agent. • . * • It is a real nugget, which came to light at a recent sitting in bankruptcy. A certain country store-keeper was undergoing cross-examination, and question and answer proceeded after this style "You had a misfortune last year? ' Witness "What was it?" Counsel : "You had the misfortune to call your creditors together?" Witness (airily) : "That was not my misfortune. It was theirs." The Court coughed with unusual loudness, and blew its nose gustily. • • • He was a major in the colonial forces, and suffered from the complaint known as "swelled head." But, although a big gun outside, he was only small potatoes at home, and, as a matter of fact, not to put too fine a point upon it, the wife wore the breeches. One morning, a few weeks back, she told him to call in at the dairy when passing, and order some new-laid eggs. After demurring for a bit, the major called at the shop in question— quite a small and unimportant establishment in a back street. He was in full uniform, being on the road to attend the landing of some warriors returning from South Africa. • • • Two or three minutes passed; then, as no, one seemed to attend to him, the major gave a gentle knock on the counter. This had no effect, so a smart double rap was given, when a curlyheaded youngster put his head round the door-post, and lisped, "Father's acoming." By the time "father" arrived the major was in a towering rage. "What the deuce do you mean by keeping me here all this time?" he roared. "I'm sorry, sir," replied the man, "but you see, it's like this : you're the first major I've had in my shop, and as there appeared to be a lot of people passing by I thought what a good advertisement you was, a-standing there!"

A party of deaf, dumb, and blind musicians, from Victoria, are, at present, touring the South Island. The other Sunday evening they gave a concert in Ashburton. Just as the concert was about to begin, a lamb walked past the door-keeper — a blind doorkeeper, by the way — and strolled quietly down the aisle, gazing the while sheepishly at all and sundry, whilst the youngsters giggled. Reaching the foot of the platform, the lamb gazed up, down, and around, then continued its perambulations round to the other aisle, down which it wandered, trying to graze by the way off the cocoanutmatting — and so quietly passed out into the night. # • • The hero of the incident is a wellknown "c.t." who is not a rabid Prohibitionist. He embarked on a Nelsonbound steamer the other day, and, in betaking himself to bunk, as the shades of night were falling fast, he failed to take note of the request made by his cabin-mate to the steward to be informed when the French Pass was reached. Had he done so, a neat little anecdote would have been lost, and the cause of mirth would have suffered. So he slumbered peacefully on. » * * At last, the bteamer neared the interesting Pass, and the steward, entering the cabin, and seeing both passengers asleep, called out loudly, "We are near the French Pass, and a boat is going ashore" — meaning one of the ship's boats. But the c.t., whose dreams had probably been of shipwrecks and other disasters on the briny, grasped only "French Pass— boat going ashore." His vivid imagination did the rest, and, ere the wondering steward and his startled cabin-mate could arrest the situation, the traveller had seized a life-belt, and, clad only in his pyjamas, had travelled like a racehorse for the deck. The cold night-wind revived him, and the exclamations of the group of passengers admiring the scene soon made him realize what an exhibition he had made of himself. He did not land at Nelson till all the other passengers had departed. Even yet it is hardly safe to mention "French Pass" in his presence. • * * The Wellington Harbour Board has had an address drafted for presentation to the Duke and Duchess of York. In the text of the address the Duchess is referred to as the spouse of the King's heir. When that draft was read over to the members of the Board, Mr. Geo. Fisher did not appear to like the word "spouse." "Is not 'better-half a better term?" he suggested. "No, certainly not," promptly retorted Mr. Tom Wilford, "some people do not admit that 1" And everyone who "saw it" laughed. The member for the Suburbs is qiiick at seeing a point ; hence the localism, "as sharp as Wilford."

It is being related, with many horselaughs, that a Wellington wharf labourer, who intended working his way across to Melbourne this month, conceived the brilliant idea, when in a rather hilarious state, of writing to the Victorian authorities intimating that it was his intention to be present at the ceremonies in connection with the opening of the Federal Parliament. He signed himself a J.P. These two letters have a great deal to answer for in this J.P. -populated colony, and the result of their use in this instance was that the coal-black coal heaver received a Eretty card of invitation last week. As c is going to Melbourne, this may provo very useful to hm. If he fails to shake hands with the Duke, or drop into a snug billet, it certainly will not be for lack of cheek. A dress suit and a glossy belltopper are all he requires in the ornamental line. * * • SIvIPPED. Scarce a sound was head, not a word was spoke, As a van down a back-way hurried : Some tenants were bolting, hard up or stone broke, And looking confoundedly flurried. Tlioy'd packed up in silence, at dead of night, And having no thought of returning, Had nailed up the shutter to keep m the light Of the kerosene lamp left a-burning. But just as they'd got all the loading done, And with the very last chair was retiring, They heard Smith the butcher, that son of a gun, At the door for his money inquiring. Sharp and short was the answer I ken. They told him it gave them such sorrow , It wasn't convenient to settle just then, But they'd certainly do so on the morrow. Slowly and sadly they hurried away From that snug little house of one story, Threw the key m the water-tank out of harm's way, And left it alone in its glory. * * ♦ A simple-looking witness was the other day in the witness box in the District Court at Masterton. He was called to give evidence in a bush-felling case, but Tie said he was not an expert. His Honor remarked on the absurdity of putting up witnesses as experts who knew little or nothing of the points they were "experting" on. "Now," said His Honor, "how would you commence to work? And His Honour looked apoplectic, and the crier coughed, and the bar smiled secretly, and the onlookers held their sides, as the witness replied, "W^th an axe, sir."

The Wellington Harbour Board last week renewed its agreement with the Steam Ferry Company for another five years. What a splendid opportunity Mr. Tom Wilford lost in letting that motion go by without a statement that he was in favour of the Harbour Board running its own ferry service. Perhaps, the Wellington City Council will take up the matter before the five %ears arc up, for, if it can run a tram service out to Miramar, why not a ferry scivice v This point was lost bight ot by the progressives during the late eleetuons The Birkenhead Town Council has now eight steamers plying to Liverpool carrying an average of 20,0UU passengers. Last year eleven steamers, iuii by the Wallasev District Council, carried fifteen million passengers on the Mersey between Liverpool and IScu Brighton. The London County Council has its ferry steamers at Woolwich and public-owned steamers running on the Clyde return a profit of 8 per cent * * * If the Wellington Harbour Board owned the ferry service here, we should very soon see the other and sunniei stde of the harbour dotted over with pretty little marine suburbs, like unto those." they have in Sydney and Auckland, and city merchants and business men making their permanent abode there The object of the present ferry company seems to be merely to nurse Day's Bay as a kind of pleasure resort, and choke off regular settlement. JOse, why is the regular daily service, that was started only several months ago after a vast amount of preliminary talk, being rung off after this week •> * * * It is ciiculatmg just now up at the Club, and in other Tory circles. A a\ ell-known, sporting gentleman imported a horse for hunting purposes, and named it Dick Seddon. He was desirous of having the horse insured against all risks for twelve months. As he did not know the run of the ropes, he went to a friend who did, and who insured Ins own blood stock at Lloyds. In due course, after paying his premium he received a cable, as follows — "Dick Seddon insured against all risks at Lloyd's for twelve months. When he showed it to a friend, a Conservative, ho fairly fell off the seat. * * * Usually, there is more fun in one sitting of an Old Age Pens-ions Court than in two uproariously funny comedies. It is rippling all the time, and the magistrates, clerks, and others engaged are in many cases looking younger, and should have a discount off their life-insurance premiums. The "bulls" are run off at the rate of about a hundred an hour. There was one the other day at Wellington. The aplicant was a cheerful old lady, and she was confronted with a difficulty which the officials explained could only be overcome by writing to her native parish in. Ireland. As she was leaving the Court, another applicant, also an elderly dame, said to her, "You ought to write at once, there is an English mail going to-day." "Ah, yes," was the reply, "but it's the Irish mail that I want.'"

There are some absent-minded people still left on the West Coast. One of them turned up at church at Stafford the other day, in order to get married The church was crowded to the doors, and the bride, looking the picture of happiness, had arrived, and all was in readiness to solemnise the happy event, when it was discovered that the bridegroom had forgotten to take out the necessary license. After a good deal of confusion the state of affairs was communicated to the large assemblage, who were told the wedding would have to be put off for about three hours. The church was then cleared, and the bridegroom, accompanied by his best man, set off post haste for Hokitika to piocure the document After a lapse of about two and a-half hours, the vehicle hove in sight, and the adjourned ceremony nas earned out successfully The present dead calm in local municipal matters is very distressing to us, fiom a newspaper point of view, says the "Taicn Advocate" with delightful candour How the councillors have degenerated (from a leporter's point of view) since the good old days that we lemember well. Ah' We sigh for the grand old days when our reporter always went to the council meeting expecting to get his head punched. We long for a revival of those lively times when the councillois used to fight, and capsize the forms, and roll upon the floor, and kick and bite, while our reporter used to stand on the table and sool them on. Ah! Those were times. Those were the set of councillors for our money. Council meetings were "interesting" in those days, and made our paper sell like hot cakes after every council meeting. We beg of the burgesses to nominate some fighting councillors on Monday. Regular ring-tail roareTS who are agin everything and everybody. This aspect of matters municipal appears to have been entirely overlooked in Wellington. * » « A certain young man about tow T n is in great trouble just now. He had it on excellent authority that a lady to whom he had been paying his addresses for years had just become engaged to a recent arrival from the South. He immediately called round, and proposed to her, "just to show her," as he subsequent^ explained to some of his mates, that he "had not been trifling with her affections." Contrary to expectations, she accepted his suit, and broke off the other engagement. It is not at all what he expected or wished for. And now he does not know how to get out of it. He can live quite comfortably on his salary, but he is positive it will not bear the strain of two. * * * One of the tradesmen who was "taken in" by Lister, the "confidence" artist, has been going through a steady course of chaff" ever since. He is a pillar of his particular church, and Lister, when he took along his little order, very soon discovered the lie of the land, and talked quite nicely about religious matters. The pretended representative of the mythical New York firm, who

laid such store upon fidelity guarantees, impressed the tradesman so favourably by his edifying conversation that he was introduced to the pastor ot the flock, and, 'tis said, had tea with him. Not only that, but they wanted a leading teacher, or superintendent, for the Sunday-school, and the "fidelity" gent was prepared to take up the contract. It was just about that time that Detective Nixon began to have pressing business with Mr. Lister, and the Sunday-school was therefore rather abruptly rung off. A Wellington lady, who is in the vciy naice&t" set, lias been suffering some anguish ot spirit within the past iortnight. It appears that she lost the run of a bundle ot letters that had passed between herself and her husband in their ardent youth, when Cupid was .Postmaster-General, and it was only the other day that she received them back anonymously. They were evidently stolen by a former servant, and, by some means or another, passed to a member ot the owner's own "set." Also, it is plain, from what has transpired since, that the endearing missives have furnished many a hearty laugh at afternoon gatherings of the kettledrum order. * • • A coterie of handsome half-caste ladies> on the East Coast have just taken a step forward which is likely to bring them into public notice. If Mayor Aitken can only put them on parade when the Duke arrives they are bound to receive quite as much attention as the Royal visitors themselves. It seems that they are the descendants of lNgapuhi chiefs ot the north of New Zealand. They call themselves the Ngapuhi sisters ot mercy, and are qualifying themselves for nurses in the held, so that if the volunteers are called into active service again they may be able to tend the sick and wounded. They are well mounted, and are all good horse-women. Already they are receiving lectures on first aid. Their uniform is of khaki, the same as the New Zealand mounted volunteers, and their appearance on horseback in full uniform is reckoned to have quite a killing effect. * * * Great merriment is going on just now in a certain township up the line at the manner in which a smart young man was publicly "taken down." Ito happened at a performance given by a stage conjurer and sleight-of-hand artist. The performer stepped forward to the front of the stage, and said "Ladies and gentlemen, if there is in this audience any young man who would liKe to know the name of his future wife I will undertake to tell him." Up jumped the smart young man in question. Thank you." said the conjurer. 'Now, I always like to do things in a proper business fashion. Will you kindly give me your name?" "Yes, certainly," said the young man. "My name is Johnson." "Thank you 1 " replied the conjurer. "Then the name of your future wife will be Mrs. Johnson."