All's Fair in Love.

Free Lance, Volume I, Issue 33, 16 February 1901, Page 19

All's Fair in Love.

MR. WIGGLES wa.s to many Irene Maltravers. Wiggles wab a crusty old fellow with a toitune and Irene's father had compelled her to give up Ned Alford, whom she loved, to marry wealth. Mr. Wiggles, the bndegiooin, lived in a little town connected by railway with Bainsford, and not more than fifty miles away. Early on the appointed morning he might have been seen wending his way to the railway station. As he approached, an engine driver came up. "Bound to Bainsford, sir?' "Yes, sir." "Ah, then you're the gentleman. There's no passenger tram to-day, sn , won't run till midnight, sir. The sta-tion-master told me, sir, to be sure and get a locomotive ready for you to take you there." "Why isn't there a carriage.'' said Wiggles, as the man pointed to the puffing and snorting machine. "Please, sir, no, sir, there are none, only this locomotive." "Humph," exclaimed Wiggles, solemnly, "I suppose I must go." The man put his> carpet-bag in, got in himself, touched a crank, and, with a puff and snort away went the engine. Mr. Wiggles at first felt a little flurried, but after a few moments he grew acustomed to the novelty of his situation, and amused himself by watching the scenery. As lie looked at the landscape, and noticed the telegraph posts one after the other flashing past, tho strange thought occurred to his mind that Tie was travelling at a most fearfully rapid pace. He therefore touched the engineer's arm and prepared to speak. What was Wiggle's surprise at seeing the engineer turn and make a hideous grimace. He laughed in a sickly manner. "Friend," he cried, "ain't we going rather fast?" The friend rolled up his eyes till only the whites were visible. Aftei this lie turned the lids over so that a hideous red margin appeared over the whites. "Good Lord, cried Wiggles, "the man is crazy !" Suddenly the man commenced dancing violently. Then he sprang on the back of the engine, and, standing on his head, he put his heels against the funnel and stared at Wiggles. After this he came back. "We'll soon be there," he said. "Where?" gasped Wiggles. "In York." "York?"

'They've got an air hue from theic to Baunsbury. It goes through the air. We go thump against the depot, and we vanish. Last time I went to Baunsbury I went straight on the regular track. This time I'm going to try the air line. Hey!" He poked Wiggles in the ribs. Wiggles was so paralysed by fear that he could not utter a word. "Perhaps, though, we had better not wait to get into the depot. Perhaps we had better run into the next train, or go off the track now. So, suiting the action to the word, the man gave a tremendous pull at the crank. Wiggles did not wait for the catastiophe. He fainted. That night the house of Squire Malt ravers was crowded with guests. Invited to the wedding, they had come, expecting to enjoy the most brilliant marriage festival ever seen in that part of the world. But the squire wore no smile on his face. The bridegroom had been expected at noon. He had not only not come at noon, but at dusk he was still absent. Unable to contain himself, the squire rode out to the station. To his horror no Wiggles came. Perhaps Wiggles had arrived and was already in. the house. In vain. On his arrival there the first person whom he met asked him where was Wiggles>. Wiggle was not to be found. "How unfortunate!" said they all. "The scoundrel!" cried the squire, enraged at the disappointment. "It's my opinion that he's intended this all along," said the bride, who, by the way, supported herself with wonderful fortitude. This remark stung the squire to the quick. "By Jove, I'll have revenge on the rascal ! I'll teach him how to make a fool of me! I'll " But the squire was interrupted by the entrance of a young man, who walked straight up to him and bowed respectfully. "Alford!" exclaimed the squire doubtfully. "Mr. Maltravers," said he, "you never felt any particular affection for me, but perhaps you won't object to act reasonably now. Here you arc, put in a very awkward place through that villain Wiggles. Now, I loved your daughter long ago, and we have been engaged. You had no right to overlook me and give her to a fellow who doesn't care a pin for anybody but himself. The company are wondering below, the bride is waiting, the w edding

must go on. Let me be the bridegroom." The squire did not get angry. He did not even pause to consider. He seized Alford's hand, slapped his back, and, to the astonishment of all present cried out . "Alford, my lad, take her. Blow me if I ain't glad that cursed nincompoop didn't come. You are worth ten such fellows as he. Come along, Irene, dear ; you won't object, I know. Come along, Alford; give her your arm, you dog, you. Come." And the bluff old squire, heading the procession, advanced into the midst of the astounded company. A few words explained all. To the honour of human nature, the whole house rang with applause. The ceremony was short but decisive, and the enthusiastic company could hardly wait for it to be over. As the last amen was said every soul crowded up to congratulate the happy pair. It leaked out in the course of a month, long after Alford and his bride had settled in York, that the mad engineer was an old friend of Alford's who decoyed Wigerles into a car, that he merely Carried him off to the other end of the line, where the locomotive was wanted, and that his mad gestures were all dissembled.