Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume I, Issue 23, 8 December 1900, Page 10

Entre Nous

SO many and so various are the gay and gaudy military uniforms now on promenade "doing the block ' in the sunny afternoons and balmy evenings, that a stranger might naturally conclude a mixed assortment of the' British Army on its way to the Commonwealth celebrations had dropped in upon us. It is only, however, the mustering of the volunteers who have been picked from the various districts of the colony to form the Fe-lerai Contingent for Australia. They have a fortnight's drilling in Wellington to sro through before they embark in th Tutanekai. And in that time their motley dress will be laid aside for the uniform khaki, which the tailor has now in hand. By-the-way. the method of '"ormmg this little military picnic party is <iot giving unalloyed satisfaction. .m - i contrary, there is a considerable amount of crumbling going on because or the notion freely entertained and expressed in some districts that "kissing goes by favour." A "recently arrived visitor, from a town within easy reach ot Wellington, says that the selection of .wo men there for the Federal Contingent was immediately followed by the resignation of about 2o volunteers, who wer* of the opinion that favouritism governed the choice. And 'tis also said that in one iustun ->c there was an amusing little disillusion ment on board a steamer which was \< convey the chosen contmgenters oW> I-lino-ton. After receiving a publip "send-off, which must have convmc:! them that they occupied quite a lofty pedestal in popular estimation, it brought +hem down to mother earth with a sickening thud to be told troy were to travel steerage. The idea was too nreuosterous for anything. Th*» -would pay the difference themselves and travel saloon. Alas and alack, the authorities had decided otherwise. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but steerage they must and had to go. ■/ * *• The game of 'shells" must be particularly swift. Only the other day an Austrian gentleman visiting Melbourne met at his hotel a man who introduced him to a couple of other men, who graciously initiated him into the mysteries of "shells." The shelling-out process cost him £490, and then he went out to find a policeman. * * * ''The Canadians can swear, and the Australians can skite!" Such is the British Tommy's opinion of the colonial soldiers. *• * * The Pollard girls — and boys too — are in for a good time on Sunday (says the "Observer"). They are all going to the Barrier. The new American Consul, i*-, is said, is "doing the handsome," and has chartered a steamer and sent invitations to the whole troupe, and — they're going. The Johnnies have come to hear of it, and will be down to see the girls away, of course ; and, so as to make them look nice, the laundries are busy , getting up their collars and ties for them, and putting an extra shine on. There should be a daz^Jirq; scene when the picnic leaves the wharf. A West Coaster, who went over to the Canterbury Exhibition, had a lively experience upon which to dwell when he got home. He took a run down to Lyttelton to see some old friends, one of whom was a gaol official. When the man from Seddonsarea reached the gaol gate a detective was entering three prisoners, and just to obliee the stranger he passed him in with the trio. That was all right until the warder came along to register the prisoners, and the Coaster made an effort to pass on. But the warder grabbed him, and ordered him to "stand still." But I'm not a prisoner — I'm a visitor!" explained the man, who. saw that if he didn't get a good word in he wouldn't get his body out before being celled. "Of course, you're a visitor — like these gentlemen!" laughed the warder. Everyone appreciated the joke except the victim, who eried — "But, see here, you're making an awful mistaVe. I'm here to see Leary '" "Of course, of course — don't they all tell me the same tale ! Be easy, and you'll get out in time!" And the Coaster had to go on parade with the other fellows, but there his troubles ceased, for his old friend was the insrectins: officer, and the stranger within the gates was relieved from_ a durance that seemed vile enough to him.

Mr and Mrs Meuli, of Wanganui, have presented the Garrison Band there with gold lyres for their caps. Whereupon, Mr Pirani remarks in the Paltnerston Standard, "it would be open to misconception to make such presents to politicians." Fred ou<?ht to know.

There has been a flutter of excitement in theatrical circles over on the other side. It was consequent upon one woman horsewhipping another, and the leading man — the hero, moreover, of a well-known theatrical troupe — taking a hurried departure overland.

Chewing tobacco is one of the accomplishments of the Waitara rifle corps. And thereby hangs a painful story, shewing how a man. suffered in the cause of duty. The corps was on parade and in full chewing strength. Captain Taunton instructed his orderly to correct a recruit who was turning right about the left way. As he approached his man. the orderly was seen to stagger and clap his hands to one of his eyes. It was not lyddite, but nicotine. A sudden order from the drillinstructor to " right turn " was responsible for the accident. All the same, the orderly has been put out of action for some time with an inflamed eye. « • • Some people are cool, and some are cooler than others. A well - known citizen and his " infant prodigy " were passengers by the West Coast train one morning last week. On arrival at Paikakariki, pater went along to have a refresher, and in due time returned. The infant went out to have a look what the weather was likely to be, and if it was going to rain, and whilst so engaged the train moved on and he was left behind lamenting. "When the train reached Parernata — and here is where the cool business comes in — paterfamilias asked the guard to run the train back to Paikakariki, a distance of several miles, to pick up his enfant terrible, who had been left behind. The guard didn't catch on. * * * An Auckland up-country editor sees in the undertaking of the Government to provide an oil - engined schooner for the Rarotongans a deep-laid scheme to draw the Island trade from Auckland to Wellington. But he sees even more thau that. " Perhaps the Premier," he says, " fears that his Island Federation scheme will become such a great success that it will become absolutely necessary to make Auckland the Federal capital." Hence the oil-engine schooner is laid on to defeat the aspirations of Auckland. Prodigious !

He was a returned Oontingenter, and was visiting his friends during his furlough. A sweet girl who had just met liim remarked — "I suppose you are home on patrol?" "No," he replied, with a smile, "I haven't been on patrol since leaving the front!" "Oh," cried the poor girl, desperately, "I suppose I should have said you were home on a furlong !" \ ■* #■ There is one cheerful family man up at Carterton. He crops up in a recent issue of the local paper to notify the arrival of twins, and to inform friends and sympathisers "this is the second time."

The graceful "trick riding" of a certain City Councillor on a donkey was quite a sensational event at the Corporation employees picnic at Day's Bay on Saturday last. The venturesome councillor stuck gamely to the donkey, performing all sorts of marvellous fancy tricks, such as would have done' credit to any rough riding master or a champion circus equestrian. EventuaJly however, the donkey (gently tickled in the ribs by another councillor) shook itself, and took a tremendous rise — and fall-^-out of its distinguished 'rider, who luckily descended on a sandy spot, or he would not have been able to oomfoitably take his seat at the Council, or any other table, for some time to come. Surely it was not ward jealousy that prompted the one councillor Nj tickle the animal, and so ingloriously terminate such a brilliant display? A steamer load of spectators enjoyed this crowning feat immensely, and even the clever little donkey — and- other — ih-"o understood to laugh. There is a j ossibility^ of another even more excifuUg exhibition coming off yet — a duel between the councillor who tickled the donkey and the "circus rider." The time and place for their encounter is not yet stated, but when it does taJce place it will be advisable to "come early and avoid the crush." Complimentary tickets should be sent to the Day's B- \ donkeys, who are peculiarly interested in the meeting. * * * A lady who has been some years married, and who took the old-fashioned vow to "love, honour, and obey" her husband, went to the Kent-^orra ;e Church last week to see a friend "switched off." She was surprised to find that the revised and up-to-date marriage service exhorted the wife only to "obey her husband so far as her conscience permitted." The married lady onlooker says if ever she marries again she'll go to Kent-terrace. * * ♦ They are professional men of standing and big salaries. And being together on the Quay it occurred to one ot them to suggest afternoon tea at a well-known establishment. The other two readily embraced the idea. Their little refection over, the gentleman who had conceived the happy thought started for the pay-counter, leaving his companions to saunter leisurely towards the dooi, evidently imbued with the very natural conclusion that he was standing treat As it turned out, however, that had not entered into his thoughts at all. He deposited sixpence on the counter, and prepared to leave. The pretty waitress rnudly remarked that the charge was tighteeniience for three. "Oh, but I'm only paying for myself," he replied. "My friends must have forgotten. I'll just remind them of it," he said. And forthwith h« darted after them. They both returned looking highly surprised and vastly amused. "Never mind, old man," said the first to reach the counter, as he planked down a shilling, 'Til pay for both. But he might have told us it was a solo event on his part."

A certain yoitng lady well known in Society— with the big S please— jumped rather hastily to her conclusion one evening last week. It happened in Willis-street, just at dusk. The masculine figure that she saw looking into a shop window was. quite familiar to her, of course. That grace of contour and manly symmetry of form could only belong to one person, and she therefore dashed impulsively up and warmly saluted him as "dear Tom," and urged him to "come along at once or we shall be quite late." He seemed rather thun-der-struck at first, but he was docile, and obeyed her mandate. Several times he tried to articulate, but her tongue was running on so fast touching a conversation she had just had with a lady friend on the Terrace that he really hadn't a chance to get a word in sideways. But just then they reached the Boulcott-street corner, and as they came into the glare of the electric light she glanced casually at him. And then, with a shrill scream, she suddenly darted away. It wasn't "dear Tom" at all, but a perfect stranger. * * * It happened only the other day — or rather night — and we have been shedding tears ever since 'twas told to us. Such a sad and touching little story! If ye have tears prepare to shed them now. He is a rather stylish young man, and his affections are fixed upon a lady who fills the humble but useful occupation of domestic in a Wellingtonterrace mansion. When he called to see her the other evening the family were out, and so instead of cooling his heels in the street until his lady lova was off duty, he was ushered into the kitchen. Quite a sumptuous repast was laid out for his delectation, and the lovers were busy discussing it and carrying on a most charming tete-a-tete when, horror of horrors, the maid suddenly discovered her mistress had returned and was already making good progress along the hall towards the festive scene. * * •* Here was a pretty "how-dee-do." But the masher in this case was a man of rapid action. Exit by the door without detection was impossible, and so lie dived into a tank which was stationed within the residinco, and which he understood was unorcupied by water. But on his entrance h» -was met with considerably more than he anticipated. The receptacle happened at the time to be half-full of water, and the unfortunate swain had to remain in his cold bath while the head of the house promenaded in and about the kitchen preliminary to retiring. Ultimately, when .all was reported safe by his affectionate friend the half-drowned stowaway em•ereed from the vessel, and departed in a limp and dripping condition, and v'th £l sour temper and chattering teeth. * * * It is a Newtown incident. The burglar had entered the house as quietly as possible, but his shoes were not padded, and they made some noise. He had just reached the door of the bedroom when he heard some one moving in the bed a-3 if about to get up, and ht puns•ed. The sound of a woman's floated to his ears. "If you don't take off your boots when you come home," it said, "there's going to be trouble, and a whole lot of it. Here it's been raining quite smartly, and _ you dare to tramp over my carpets with your muddy boots. Go down stairs, and take them off this minute." He went downstairs without a word, but he didn't take off Ms boots. Instead he went straight out into the night again, and the "pal" who was waiting for him saw a tear glisten in his eye. "I can't rob that house." he said ; "it reminds me 4 so much of home." It. M. Our legislators and troopers are going to have a gay and paddy time over in 4 Sydney all rie^hi. In the case of the law-making class, it is just as well that their better halves in the majority of cases are going to accompany them. The news that the Premier of New South Wales is going to spend £6000 on champagne for his visitors suggests the reason. Champagne, under ordinary circumstances, puts a severe handicap an a man in walking the straight and narrow path without lurching. But champagne mixed with torrid weathei and ebullient patriotism and exuberant loyalty. why, it might lead to fantastic tricks that would make the angels j weep. A& for our New Zealand Tom- / mies, there's no champagne for them. > But the whisper has gone abroad that H they are to have unlimited beer — that is to say. that the visiting troops are to enjoy free beer in Sydney for a week after January Ist. Meanwhile, the New South Wales people are rising up to demand where they come m, anyhow. One paper puts the question in the easy form of a sum in proportion, thusly: — "If £6000 is spent in champagne for three hundred aristocrats, how much should be spent in beer for one million common people? Let Mr. Lyne work that out, and then start a few State breweries in order to meet the fair and reasonable demands of a thirsty democracy."

A young man about town is telling a strange tale of a hat. He went to church last Sunday evening, and, through staying to have a word after the service with some friends, he was last man out, and found only one hat on the rack. His own ten-and-sixpenny — which was only a week old — tv a? gor e ' Inside the hat which was left was the name of a man whom the church-goer knew, so next morning he rang him up on the telephone. "Did you lose a

hat last night?" "No," came the astonishing reply. "But I found your hat where I should have found my own , your name is written inside!" The man who was rung up then explained that he had been at quite a different church some three months previously, and it was there he had lost the hat m which his name was written. Of course both the hats taken were better than those left behind. Moral : Beware of the man who goes round renewing tiles !

Thus the Auckland "Star's" special, wiring from Wellington: — "Trooper Holden, of-Waikato, arrived here by the Delphic. The young man's features are bronzed to the colour of mahogany by his marches under the fierce ran of the Northern Transvaal to the relief of Mafeking. He is, however, Apparently in excellent health." "Bronzed to the colour of mahogany" is correct, remarks the "Observer," but Holden will laugh consumedly when he hears he got bronzed in the Transvaal. He's a halfcaste !" * * » It is current talk down Clutha way that the local triumvirate which has been selecttd for the Federal escort inclades a newspaper correspondent, and that he intends to mount the lecture platform a la Donald MacDonald, on hit, return. They grow some wideawake youngsters, in Otago. The following remarks from the "> T ew Zealand Times are very much to the point: — "While the libel laws of New Zealand continue in the chaotic and antiquated condition in which we now find them, we may expect to have frequent actions brought against newspapers, only to end like that which was tried in Wellington this week. Even in England, where the law has for soma years past been on a much more equitable and rational basis than it is her", the press has just reason to comnlain. The 'Saturday Review,' in the course of recent comment on the subject, said . — 'Very few libel actions brought against newspapers of repute are really bona fide : and it is seldom indeed that they arc carried into Court; but when they are, if the newspaper wins, it is invariably found that the plaintiff is a man of straw. The consequence is that, although the paper has won its case, it loses its very considerable costs." * * * The "Times" continues : —"If that is cause of complaint in Britain .where reasonable safeguards are provided against the bringing of frivolous or unfounded libel actions, what shall be said of New Zealand, where no safeguard at all is provided? The remarks we have quoted do not, of course, apply to the recent Wellington case, bu+ to the general principle, and they provide a strong argument in support of the agitation for the amendment of ♦•ho libel laws that has for years been car ried on by the New Zealand Institute of Journalists. The outstanding less <n deducible from the "Free Lance case is that illustrated journalism has its special risks. So varied are the types of humanity, that it is almost impossible to introduce a fictitious personage into a caricature without producing a facial resemblance to some living person. That numerous class of # people who derive amusement from comic illustrations will find cause for rejoicing in the fact that the action against the local journal failed, and that there is still fair scope for the caricaturist. But the case, nevertheless, emphasises the need that exists for a thorough revision of .our laws, relating*. to slander and libel, on the lines followed by the excellent Act now in operation 'in Queensland."

The average man or woman would not think of looking in the correspondence of a poultry expert for humourous items. Yet there they lie, with eggs and such like things. A man recently wrote to Mr. Hyde complainingof the failure of a setting of eegß. He was Bure the hen wasnM> to blame, "for she had only left the nest four times in three weeks!" Another patron of the department felt so sure that he had received "cronk" eggs that in order to test them he had "shaken" all but two — and he expressed astonishment that only two eggs of the setting brought forth chicks! Yet a third enquirer after the why and wherefore of tho eggs going wrong calmly explained that he had kept a setting for six weeks before putting them under the hen! Little wonder the expert is enquiring after a good hair restorer.

The backblocks editor has got his eagle eye upon the movements of Mr. Kruger in Europe, and this is the picturesque style in which one of our ducolic brethren of the pen, West Coast way, suras tip the situation : — "The fact that, the nation which ever keeps stored in the shelves of memory the thoughts of old jealousies and ancient defeats at the hands of Nelson and Wellington, together with the nation from which the ancestors of the ex-President sprung, are about to receive him in the most callous and unostensible manner, and the most pronounced diminution in journalism of pro-Boer character is abundant evidence that the righteousness of our cause in South Africa is at last being universally recognised." The "derangement of epitaphs" is rather bewildering, but at any rate they are distinctly original.