Enter Nous

Free Lance, Volume I, Issue 14, 6 October 1900, Page 10

Enter Nous

THE Industrial Association's banquet on Saturday night was a big success. Mr Seddon kept the company waiting for fully a quarter-hour, all unconscious of the fact that a number of those present had been fasting since breakfast. But eventually they got to business, and as the choice edibles passed from board to mouth, the facial colours brightened and smiles appeared, jokes were cracked and laughter rippled round. Mr J. Hntcheson, M.H.R., made a happy little speech when proposing the toast of the Mayor. But where was the people's George ? His name appeared as the proposer of the toast, yet, strangely enough, he omitted to send an apology explaining his whereabouts. • * * His Worship the Mayor, Mr Aitken, who, by the way, toasts on '* soft tack," such as soda water and ginger beer, which he didn't appear to enjoy, said that when a deputation ot citizens waited upon him twelve months ago asking him to allow himself to be nominated for the Mayoralty, he had no idea of what was then before him, and, pointing to his head, declared that his hair had turned grey. " I have had the famine," he asserted,' *' and then the contingents, and now the municipalisation of the tramways, and all this in one year. So I make no promise at present regarding the Mayoral chair for another term." # • • Mr Robertson, in proposing the toast of the Premier, said that although -he" did ' ■notagvee with all the Premier's legislation, yet there was one thing upon which all were agreed — that no matter who tried to corner him (the Premier), they had a hard task before them, for no matter how he was hedged in, he'd manage to get out somehow. But stay. Is Mr Seddon ever cornered ? We hardly think so. He meets every emergency half way.

'Owing to the near approach of Sunday, the concluding part of the excellent programme of toasts provided at the Industrial Association dinner last Saturday had to be somewhat abbreviated, and the last two on the list — " the Ladies " and "the Press" — were taken together without speeches. This led to various witticisms, of which about the most presentable was " the Old Ladies of the Press "—coupled with the name of Mr So-and-so. We wouldn't mention his name for worlds. # • * While every right-thinking individual must sympathise with the anxiety of the Member for Masterton over the Boer Bible from the Transvaal, and at present deposited in the Wanganui Museum, yet there is another side to the question. The dispensations of Providence are mysterious and wonderful, and at first sight often inscrutable. But in this case one need only think a little to understand that the Bible cast on the waterless veldt is fulfilling an excellent mission. Safe within the walls of the Wanganui Museum, it will be visited and read by the citizens to whom, alas I a bible ought to be interesting, because unknown. The Member for Masterton must be careful not to interfere with the dictates of the Almighty. That is " right divine " of his leader ! • • • The penny-a-liners who provide the necessary pabulum for the delectation of readers of papers of the " Snip Tits " order, are given to drawing big drafts upon their imaginative powers when they write on colonial subjects. Snake stories of a peculiarly Munchausen-like type are popularly associated with Australia, but from a par. in a London paper, " The Mirror of Life," it would appear that the New Zealand " Wild Cat " has knocked them quite out of time. Says the veracious print above-named, "In New Zealand the snakes which infest the country are happily harmless. Cats, as snakekillers, have earned a good reputation. At Wellington, New Zealand, a man who had four of "these animals, trained them to kill the reptiles, which, in spite of their twisting and turning, the cats would carry in their mouths, or bring their writhing bodies to master." Not content with this vivid word picture " The Mirror " provides an illustration showing four enormous cats that would well pass muster as panthers, each with a wriggling serpent in its mouth !

The telephone is becoming a useful auxiliary to fraud. Here is the latest dodge perpetrated upon the manager of a store. The thief, personating a lawyer friend of the manager, asked him over the telephone whether he would cash a cheque, and received an assurance in the affirmative. A well-dressed man shortly afterwards arrived, and producing a cheque, needless to say a spurious one, in the solicitor's name, received .£27 cash.

It happened the other day in a Wairarapa township prior to the departure o an elderly lady of title from the district. Being out for her afternoon drive with some ladies, the leading butcher of the township, a repentant sinner who was " saved " by her son, a non-repentant one, blandly requested her to " step inside and bring in the other lyd ies too." Here a pleasant surprise awaited her. Five other tradesmen styling themselves " friends " at once began firing off valedictory speeches. However, with the aid of her companions, she at last extricated herself. Blue blood must draw the line somewhere. # • • There's a smart and rather close publican up Te Aro who boasted the other day to a brewer's traveller from the South that he had made .£5O out of a single cigar. This is how he explained the mystery, " You see, when one of your fellows or a tradesman, or even the ordinary " shouter " is generous enough to ' ask ' what'll you have ? ' I merely take a cigar, charge him sixpence, slip it quietly into my vest pocket, and make some excuse for not smoking at that particular moment. When the shouter has retired I place it back in the box." Smart, but rather mean. # # * There's one thing good in ,Boer land, and that's the Boer tobacco. Donald Macdonald is quite enthusiastic on its quality. He told a Wellington pressman the other day that you can keep your pipe going from morning to night and never get a sore throat or tongue if you use good "Boer." "Tommy" swears by it when he can get it, especially as it's only about lOd a pound. The Boers carry it loose in their big coat pockets, and give each other a " fill " just as we hand each other a match. # * * We send missionaries to China, and nine-tenths of the people of New Zealand doubtles° consider the Chinese a semibarbarous race, but the Chow has his good points. The other day, at Sydney, during the hearing of a Chinese will case, the well-known Chinese merchant, Quong Tart, said " there was no such thing as the profession of law in his country, and no written law to refer to." And yet this is the country Europe is allegedly desirous to reform. A happy land that is not cursed with lawyers ! We wonder what would happen if we sent lawyers instead of missionaries to China. The Chinese might not improbably say that of all the foreign devils, the " Devil's Own " were the worst. Just fancy a country without any written law, any musty precedents in the case of Ah Fat against You Lie in the reign of the Emperor Hum Bug to refer to, without any enterprising attorneys of the Dodson and Fogg variety to get up bogus libel actions on the heads I win, tail you lose principle, without any lawyers in parliament. What a] terrestial paradise China ought to be.

"Yes," said the blandly smiling and persuasive book agent as he called upon a Newtown lady, " I can assure you this work will give you the whole history of the war, to say nothing of a description of the Transvaal and its savage animals and their habits." " Thank you," said the lady, " but I don't need it. I have been married three times."

Dear Lance,— lf the "City Council" had given the drivers and guards of the trams a benefit afternoon, instead of free rides for fhe'public, there would have been more rejoicing among the employees and less anxiety for the parents of the small •children, some of whom were not seen from lunch time untill eight that evening. — Yours, etc., K.

During the recent ,>iafeking celebrations a certain Masterton celebrity thought it necessary for him to address the multitude. He delivered an impromptu oration, and finished up by suggesting that a shilling subscription should be enagated to provide the gallant B.P. with a momentum of the occasion. Perhaps he would have gone on with his malapropisnis, but an unexpected move on the part of the cart from which he was holding forth gave him the desired momentum. * • • The dancing bears, recently exhibited in Willis-street, were in Feilding last week. A sweet girl, seeing the bears on the street, said, " Oh, will he bite ?" " Oh, no," said the smart young Feilding man who was with her, "he can't bite, he's muzzled ; but he can give you a big hug." '• Oh," said the young lady, with a piquant smile, " I don't mind that." * • * A nice little " put up " job this annexation business was to be .sure. It was evidently a pre-arranged affair between "Pushful Joe" and '-Resourcefulßichard," for only a few hours after Parliament had passed the resolutions, in waltzed the warship Mildura, and by Sunday night His Excellency was off to the islands to hoist the flag. The secret had been well kept, and it was necessary that this should be so, otherwise there might have been German opposition. * • * A Masteiton man the other day got a wire requesting him to " meet your uncleaned aunt." Of course, "uncle and aunt " were meant. This reminds us that a few years back the House had been discussing the 'question of barmaids. One member said that " barmaids lured young men to destruction." The telegraph messenger who sent away the press messages thought otherwise, for he advised the various newspapers that the virtuous member was of opinion that " barmaids loved young men to distraction." * * * Letters from troopers in South Africa, or some of them, are interesting on account of their toughness. Here is a specimen extracted from an ex-Petone Naval's letter published in the local paper : — " Just before we arrived at Johannesburg I lost the run of the New Zealanders, and was mooching about the veldt for a day or two, pulling my horse along most of the time. Poor brute ! he couldn't be ridden, for he had been previously shot in a rather nasty place. Eventually, however, I found a small mining village, called Roodepoort, where I stopped for about a week, being engaged most of the time in disarming Boers and preventing looting. One day I thought I was going to be ' nabbed.' Somehow or other I found myself amidst about 200 Boers, and was just contemplating the dangerous fix I was in when they proffered their anus and offered to surrender to me." We don't take much stock of metempsychosis, but the above is very much like proof of the transmigration of, say, Baron Munchausen.

The evils of baby farming are admitted. Illegal operations are attempted at the dire risk of the operator — and the patient. But for all that it is perfectly legitimate to advertise thus :—": — " Wanted to adopt, a baby, boy or girl, of respectable parents, good home, no children; premium not less than £50 expected." Surely it does not take a Solon to see that here lies an easy route out of illegitimacy. Why run double risk of an operation if the foundling can be made to vanish at the crinkle of a fifty -pound note ? And is the press blameless ?

An esteemed correspondent writes asking us whether the four patches on the New Zealand flag are supposed to represent the stars of the Southern Cross? Beally, we don't know. If there had simply been three balls, we would have understood them to be symbolical of our weakness for pawning ourselves and our future to the London money lenders. In other words the flag, with three balls, would have made an excellent national ensign for New Zealand. But the fourth ball? Well, that's beyond us. Better enquire from the chief borrower — Seddon.

There is no necessity to grant a license to the King Country. Our excellent friends, the Maoris, have too much license already. Last week the daughters of Mr A. Hoare, ot Lansdowne, near Masterton, were thrown from a horse through a collision with a reckless Maori rider. Again mid again writer has noticed the wild careering of these dark gentlemen through the streets, and around Masterton. If a mere white man were to try on such antics, it would .mean the Magistrate, a fine or the refined alternative. ..

The health of the Hon. John McKenzie has, we hear, wonderfully improved of late. He enjoys his pipe, which at one time he had to lay by, and takes a keen interest in Parliamentary affairs.

Several flattering presentations have been made within the last few days to Mr A. E. Wilson, one of the Wellington College Old Boys and a well-known local cricketer, on the eve of his departure for the Wanganui district, where he intends to engage in agricultural pursuits. Mr Wilson is very popular in the several circles in which he has moved. * # * Sir Malcolm Fraser, who was formerly Westralian Agent-General in London, but still later back was out in New Zealand, died suddenly the other day near Bristol. He married a daughter of Mr D. Riddiford, of Wellington, in 1861. She died in 1896. A good many Wellingtonians will remember him. • * * J Mr H. de Y. Gilbert, of the Union Company's office in Wellington, has right worthily earned the promotion he has just received in being transferred to Sydney. For upwards of ten years, as head of the passenger department, he has been brought closely into contact with the travelling public, and by his urbanity, his faculty of taking trouble to oblige all and sundry, and hi& winning manner, he has won golden opinions from all sorts of people. He was particularly attentive to the ladies, reassured them all, both young and old, about the prospects of the weather, told them which were the nicest cabins, gladdened their hearts with assurances about the steadiness of the vessels by which they were to travel, and made them feel altogether that the sole purpose and object in life of the Union Company and its debonair officers was to ensure for all its passengers a real good time on sea. Mr Gilbert will be sadly missed by the New Zealand travelling public, but over in Sydney he will contribute materially to boom the tourist traffic •in this direction. In fact it would be worth the company's while to set Mr Gilbert free from'the office', and give him a roving commission to devote himself entirely to the exploitation of the tourist business. There's money in it.

" A beauteous bar-lady in Wellington district, who recently tripped to Australia, is reported to have one admirer who paid her most persistent court, so much so in fact that she pictured herself as the future mistress of a pleasant little home. The fat was in the fire though when the fair Hebe met him in a train with his wife. An obliging guard rudely disclosed the identity of the latter, but ar scene was somehow or other averted. It was only delayed for a time, however, and then the irate girl demanded compensation, and got it. Amongst the retiring members of the late British Parliament is Sir H. M. Stanley, the African explorer, whose name, such is the mutability of earthly fame, one hardly ever hears mentioned now-a-days. He has completely broken down in health, and was a Very infrequent speaker in the House. The public swear at the cable-liar, and press men at this end swear at the London cable-man. But if you watch the London papers and compare their cable news with what appears, the news compiled at the other end isn't so much to blame. He simply repeats what is published in London, but of course he has to condense. In London the papers print official despatches from the seat of war simply as official despatches, giving the source of the information — such as " Kaffir's report," " Boer prisoners state," " It is reported," " Native Chinese carriers allege," and so on. The Australian papers only get the pemmican of these messages, all mention of source being omitted for the sake of economy. Then, again, the condensing game is played when the news is re-cabled over trom Australia, bo that the art of " padding out " or expanding at this end is beset with the thorniest *of problems. By the way, the only London paper which did not fall in and swallow without question the report that the Pekin legations had all been murdered was the sane and sobersided old Liberal organ, the Daily News.