ENTRE NOUS

Free Lance, Volume I, Issue 10, 8 September 1900, Page 10

ENTRE NOUS

WHO says nobody got a useful hint on the intended remission of the Customs duties? They don't believe this story up Napier way, •where it is openly asserted that a firm of merchants of that town were forewarned and forearmed concerning kerosene. These people had 600 cases waiting to be landed as soon as the remission was allowed, but, alas and alack, the law only allows kerosene to be stored in the lighter a certain number of days, which number expired the day before the Budget was delivered. Consequently, notwithstanding the alleged tip, the merchants had to pay i 5120 duty on the consignment. Next morning kerosene was duty free. • • • Concerning the agitation against the importation of opium, a correspondent writes that he recently visited a notorious slum in Wellington, accompanied by an official, and found one four-roomed hovel full of opium-smokers and gamblers. The atmosphere was sickening, and beneath two bunks were that day's unsold vegetables — to be offered for sale again, no doubt, on the morrow. In a second den, three lads were found " enjoying themse'vea," being under the influence of opium ; while, in a third house, which was disgustingly dirty, was a young girl of about 15 years of age. The officer promtly took her home. Opium has a most pernicious and far-reaching effect on youthful intellects, and if the obnoxious drug could be kept out of the colony the evil it now causes would be gradually minimised. A great deal of it doesn't pay duty as it is. • * * They talk about the criminal precocity of juveniles in New Zealand. Why, we are not in it with the five-year-old housebreaker of London. And now, at Deptford, a labourer's child, aged hvo years, has murdered an elder sister by hitting her on the head with her father's boot. # » • Although only two hundred men comprised the Sydney naval contingent sent to China, two assistant paymasters were appointed at 15s per day. It transpired that they were reporters representing the two Sydney morning journals, and there was a great kick-up in Parliament about it. Members wanted to know why three paymasters were required for such a small body of men, and why the evening newspapers weren't given a show. The thing took a lot, of explaining away, and Sir William Lyne didn't accomplish the task very satisfactory. Ex-Premier Reid characterised it as a perfect job ; he said that was about the plain English of it.

It was a terrible disappointment to Capt. McKellar Wix to find his dog— a bull terrier, specially imported at a cost of over £10 — barred out at the recent kennel show as being not a true bull terrier, but a cross. The gallant captain, who had been yanking the animal about town for two or three days by an expensive collar and chain, is said to declare that the dog has the finest bull terrier pedigree of any canine in England, and has won dozens of big prizes. If he is right, then the local ]udges must have sadly blundered ; and if he's wrong, he's been badly hoaxed by whoever sent out the dog. Which is it? • • • " Old Wanganuiite " says that the yarn of the Nelson parson, told in The Lance last week, is either a chestnut, or that history repeats itself in a slightly different way. He says : " About fifteen years ago I was in Christ Church, Wanganui, one Sunday, when the good old parson was droning away at great length. It was a lovely summer's night, very sultry and very calm, and nine-tenths of the congregation were dozing pleasantly. All at once the parson, pitching his voice a little higher, exclaimed, 'And now unto the ' He had got so far, and no further, when the dear old man was astonished to see nearly the whole congregation stand up. They had imagined that the time-honoured conclusion of an Anglican discourse had been reached. But it had not, for after surveying his hearers with unfeigned surprise, the good man blandly continued as follows — 'unto the third part of my discourse.' Then the congregation sat down again, feeling somewhat foolish. • » * The same clergyman was terribly absent-minded and forgetful, although the best hearted of men. On one occasion a bushman came down from the backblocks beyond Hunterville and took to himself very suddenly as wife a lady who was somewhat a notorious character. The next day the pair, having celebrated the occasion by a combined and unbounded spree, were locked up. When called upon by a Magistrate to explain the reason for their having twined vineleavep too liberally in their locks, the husband told the Court that he had been married the day before by the Eev. Mr Blank. The Magistrate was merciful, and let the erring ones off with a jocular caution, and the local papers duly reported the case. • * • Next day the Eev. Mr Blank wrote to the papers, stating that the man was mistaken, that Mr Blank had never married anybody on that day, etc., etc. Yet another day came round, and behold the bibulous husband interviewed the two editors and showed his marriage certificate, duly signed by the parson whose denial the public had read. The certificate was undeniable, and the absentminded parson had to write a second time to the press, on this occasion stating that he found his memory had played him false, and that as a matter of fact he had married the couple in question on the previous Monday 1

The worst of an Empire upon which the sun never sits is, that " the sun never goes down upon our wrath," for John Bull is always engaged in a war or two. In the smoking-room of a Wellington club the other evening this was overheard :—: — "Another company cut off! Isn't the war simply ? " " What, more Boer treachery ? Never mind, Bobs will soon fix them." " But it isn't in the Transvaal. It's " " Oh, I see, the Boxers. Well, Salisbury's policy seems awfully " " You silly ass ! I'm talking of Ashantee." " Then why the devil don't you say so, instead of meandering on about ' the war ' ? " # * • A civil servant, whose wife and daughters are given to extravagance in dress, was sitting with a friend in the club reading. " Great Scott !" said the friend, " here's a yarn about a man who spent a night in a pit with a tiger. Just imagine what he must have suffered." The civil servant sighed wearily as he replied, " I can easily do that ; I know all about it. For two whole weeks lately I had to face the united demands of my wife and four grown daughters for money to plank down at So-and-so's clearing sale." * * • When is the Eailway Department going to do what it ought to have done long ago and put a dining car on the Wairarapa — Napier through train ? On the Palmerston line one can have a really excellent meal just when one wants it with full leisure to enjoy it, whereas on the other line it's a case of rushing into refreshment rooms at Kaitoke (which is too soon) or Woodville (which is too late). Mr Ward is credited with a hearty desire to consult and cater for the convenience and comfort of the public, and if he will put a dining car on each of the two through trains on the Napier line he will earn the gratitude of the travelling public. * * * They tell a good one at the expense of the worthy editor of the Post. The other day, a spring poet evaded the vigilance of the office boy, and managed to make his way into the editorial sanctum, where he began in mournful tones to read the opening verses of the latest " little thing dashed off all by himself." Suddenly the alleged poet looked up, and in a voice of alarm asked, " What is the matter, sir, you are weeping." " No," was the emphatic reply, " perspiring.'

Cannot the City Council manage to find a few pounds for the placing of seats near the Band Eotunda. The Sunday concerts are most enjoyable, but old people, and very young ones, would welcome the erection of some twenty benches. Why not adopt the London County Council principle of providing seats, and charging a penny apiece for the use of them ? • * # A lot of well-meaning people are always contending: that what we want in our New Zealand schools are Bible reading and simple lessons in Scripture. But what a farce " simple lessons in Scripture " often are may be seen from some answers recently given in at a Sunday-school examination. Here are a few extra good samples of the folly of cram in Scriptural as in secular instruction. "What is manna?" "It's taking oft your cap to your teacher." "We know that St. Peter was crucified head downwards, because he mentions it in several of his epistles." On kindness to animals, one girl wrote, " It is cruel to cut off dogs tails, as some wicked men do, for what God has joined together no man must put asunder." Another child, asked where Cain went after he had killed Abel, replied that he went to his bed. The teacher wanted to know the source of his information. " It's in the chapter, sir, that Cain, after he had killed Abel, went to the Land of Nod ! " One child's version of a well-known commandment was, " Six days shalt thy neighbour do all that thou hast to do." w * • It is said that Mr. J. C. Wason, exM.H.R. for Christchurch, is at present delivering electioneering addresses throughout Orkney and the Shetlands with a view of standing in the Unionist interest for the Imperial Parliament at the next election. # # The other day when the Wanganui Collegiate footballers were entertained by the Old Boys resident in Wellington, there was a grand foregathering of young fellows who had last met when Dr. Anson was a master at the school, and many were the mutual enquiries as to how " t'othar fellow" was getting on in the world. Says Old Boy Blank to Old Boy Brown, " I hear you're making lots of money." "My dear fellow," replied Brown, " I lead a regular hand-to-mouth existence." •' You don't say so ! Why, what are you doing ? " " I've gone into the dentistry business ! " Not so bad.

Some members of the " great unpaid " never think of looking up Acts when they sit on the bench, but airily rattle off sentences which are often extraordinary in character. Three Justices sentenced a woman to a month hard labour for intoxication at Christchurch the other day, but on some meddlesome individual pointing out that they had exceeded their jurisdiction, the woman was called back and her sentence shortened to seven days.

All the London papers to hand by the mail looked upon the fall of the European diplomatists and officials in Pekin as so certain, that they published long and elaborate biographies and character sketches of Sir Claude Macdonald, Sir Eobert Hart, Dr Morrison, and the rest. It will be like a resurrection for these gentlemen when they get back to civilisation to read all the nice things that were written about them.

Talk about the resourcefulness of •woman, it's simply marvellous. Just above the Tram Sheds last Saturday afternoon a cyclist was scorching along with his head down, and evidently endeavouring to break all previous records to the Kilbirnie pub. A little kiddy, about two years old, had toddled out into the road, and stood directly in his path. Suppose a man had been in charge of that kiddy, he would probably have rushed forward and tangled up the scorcher, the kiddy, and himself in a heap of inextricable confusion. Now see where woman's superior resourcefulness comes in. The mother saw the child's peril, and stood apparently helpless. But she wasn't helpless, not by a long way. She suddenly screamed, not an ordinary scream that an active mouse making straight for a woman's dress would provoke, but an ear-splitting shriek of despair, something between the Botomahana's fog siren and the steam buzzer at Stewarts Sawmill. The scorcher was so startled that he looked seven ways at once, skidded his wheel in the tram line, bounced up against the kerb and described a series of instantaneous contortions that would drive Percy Dixs girl acrobat into a fit of envy. As for the child, it toddled away in safety, and the mother added insult to injury by right roundly abusing the dumbfounded scorchist, who retired to a neighbouring chemist's and made extravagant purchases of sticking plaister. Oh, no ! a man isn't in it with a woman when resourcefulness is required. • * • They were arguing away in the little room behind the Post Office bar about the rights of labour, the benefits of unionism and so forth. " Yes," said the hero of the Conciliation Board, " I says as 'ovv I was the worruking man's fren', and hi means hit." " But you don't do any work," suggested the sceptical Scotch engineer. "No, hi don't, hi hadmit that, not at present." "Well, why not?" "Well, yer see, hit's this wy : What the worruking man most needs his work, and hi ham too much his bloomin' fren' to run the risk of takin' it awy from 'im 1" • • * The two ladies were talking so loud in the D.I.C. tea-room that even the faraway girls at the confectionery counter couldn't help hearing what they said. One was middle-aged, with two distinct chins ; the other a slender, black-eyed person, evidently, from her conversation, on the verge of matrimony. " Yes," she said, " I have decided on a big wedding. It really doesn't cost much more. Flowers and cake and dresses have to be provided anyhow, so we might just as well have a lot of people as a few. Then think of the presents I shall get." The double-chinned matron sighed, in a spell of reminiscence : " Oh, yes, but it only means that you've got to give them back again — in a way. As your guests get married you will have to give them just as handsome presents as they gave you." " Oh, tell me something new," the younger lady chipped in, " I have thought all that out, my dear. When I made out my list of invitations, I omitted all the engaged ones." " More cream ? Yes, thanks very much."

From Lower Taranaki-street. Mrs Mulvaney : " An' how do yer husban' yerselfget along together, Mrs OBrien ? Good, I hope." Mrs OBrien : " Oh, yis, very good, Mrs Mulvaney. Here we've bin' married goin' on six months an' I ain't had to call in the polis but twice."

Alleged that an officer of a certain volunteer company at Dunedin has got himself very much disliked, and that trouble is threatened if he doesn't tone down a bit. He interferes with everything and everybody, and has been given the nickname of " Meddlesome Matty." Whenever his company is out for drill he spends most of the time tapping the men on the chests, putting them straight and making observations, which latter he even addresses to officers above him in rank. The climax arrived the other night when the company held a social fuoction. Officers and men from other corps were invited, and every provision had been made for their entertainment, when, to the surprise of all, the officers were marched off to a neighbouring hotel, where special arrangements had been made for them beforehand. The committee are naturally highly indignant, and some interesting developments are promised. • • # Colonial kiddies are ready enough with apt illustrations, as one of our teachers found the other day. She was giving a geography lesson, and had described to the class a desert as a place where nothing grew. " Now, Johnny," she put it to one of the boys, " tell me what a desert is like." Johnny promptly responded, " Like papa's bald head." • » # The regularity with which some of our Government officials find urgent business in Christchurch and other sporting centres )ust afc the time when big race meetings are on, has long been one of the jokes of the service. Verily, sport is allowed to cover a multitude of shortcomings. In the Christchurch Supreme Court, the other day, the Judge ventured to complain that certain papers, which it had been promised should be filed in July, were not yet forthcoming. " "Well your Honour," replied the peccant lawyer, " that was the Grand National Meeting intervening." And that excuse was accepted as unanswerable.

The Brunner News, c West Coaster itself, says " many of Mr Seddon's warmest supporters are gettidg a bit staggered by some things he has been doing, and other things he has left undone. We used to dub him straightforward Bichard, but now one of his chief policies seems to be to study which way the cat is likely to jump." Ahem ! The Brunner News seems to know its Bichard. • * They talk of Hamlet without a Prince of Denmark. Why, the Levin Farmer came out last week with an elaborate account of a local wedding, and wholly omitted to say who the bridegroom was, or even whether there was any bridegroom. Also, with becoming gravity, they told their readers that Mr W. Hunter looked charming as one of the bridesmaids. Surely the Farmer got itself a bit mixed over that function. * * Thriftiness is all very well, but it doesn't do to be too " close." The other day, at Dunedin, De Beer,. & traveller, was fined £5 and costs for altering railway excess luggage ticket with intent to defraud. The amount involved was only 3s. # * A concert was held up Newtown way one evening last week, the programme for which was published, and contained some entertaining items. But, by some mischance, a number of the -"entertainers failed to put in an appearance. The reverend chairman wore a worried look, and eagerly scanned the door for the faces and talent that came not. It was rumoured that the " lightning sketch ' man had attended a ball the night previous, and some one bad got ttway with his boots, and, being the only pair he possessed, he had to remain at home, but that is only rumour. However, they would like to know from him, as his item was to be the draw. • * * A promising young baritone also evaded the ordeal, as did a charming young lady with a sweet contralto voice ; but perhaps the distance from Thorndon was too far. Then someone else suffered from a severe indisposition, and the quartette didn't come off. A young fellow in the audience willingly filled up part of the gap, and with a sweet smile told the audience what a good thing it was to be be always ready to come to the front in case of an emergency. And they encored him for his little tit-bit about " the dog dat wagged his liddle tale," and then he responded with another. Other performers filled in time by explanations with reference to various words in their songs. However, the programme was spun out and appreciated by the audience, but the chairman hardly smole. Supper had also been prepared for the performers, and keen disappointment was expressed on all sides at the non-appearance of the faithless few. # • • A curious story is printed regarding the Duke of York. It avers that in January a bevy of four beautiful Oriental maidens arrived at York House, and announced themselves as a present from a certain dusky potentate. The Duke did not desire to offend the giver, yet he could scarcely accept, so in some way or another the maidens were returned, and there was no offence. Exemplary Duke of York! Would that there were many jike him amongst our own governing amilies.