ENTRE NOUS

Free Lance, Volume I, Issue 7, 18 August 1900, Page 10

ENTRE NOUS

A LITTLE love case in a suburb of a southern city has attracted unusual attention. It appears that the youngest daughter of a wealthy tradesman became enamoured of a local Chow who daily supplied the family with vegetables, and the pair became engaged. There was trouble when the affair leaked out, and the enraged father, after nearly killing the Celestial, packed the daughter off to England in charge of her mater. # • • Wail of a woful warrior :— " There is a rumour here (South Africa) that a sixth contingent is being called for in New Zealand; well, I wonld not wish my greatest enemy anything worse than to take on the trooping business. For, after all, although there is a certain amount of experience gained in being over here, this is more than counterbalanced by being ordered about by every Johnny with a stripe on his arm, and being talked to like a slave. Add to this the fact that you are on picket or guard every night, and may wind up with a bullet between your ribs, and my decision for the next war will be an emphatic • No 1 ' " Oh, why did we leave our comfortable home ? » • • It happened in Napier many years back. There was a well-attended meeting by ladies at a prohibition or some other social movement, and two blushing reporters were the only representatives of mere man present. When- the main resolution was put, all who favoured it -were asked to stand. Of course the whole crowd rose en masse. " Carried almost unanimously," said the spectacled chairwoman ; " only two against it," and she gave those unfortunate pressmen such a silver-plated look of scorn that their toes almost froze in their boots. • • • At a small school up North the other day the schoolmistress tearfully announced to the scholars when they assembled in the morning that owing to the death of her sister they could have a holiday. The joyous pupils thereupon xose instanter and, much to the teacher's astonishment, gave her three ringing cheers.

Two rather handsomely costumed ladies entered a first-class carriage on the Manawatu line one day last week, and pulling out a packet of cigarettes, lit up, and commenced puffing vigorously. One astonished passenger (a female) protested strongly, pointed out that it was not a smoking compartment, and threatened to summon the guard. But the fair devotees of Lady Nicotine took not the slightest notice, continued their smoke, and after throwing the " butts " out of the window, leant back and devoted their attention to literature. * # * For unnecessary talking and incessant bickering, the Melrose Borough Council has set up a record. Hours are occupied over business which should be disposed of in minutes, and councillors squabble and snarl over trivialities which could be disposed of by the office boy. Mayor Frost seems to be a level-headed man, but he must needs rule councillors with a firmer hand if he would check their useless verbosity. * • * It was only a private Bill — of no moment to the country generally, but, perhaps, of much to the man who was putting it through. Every vote was a vote, and the wily one in charge had more than a shrewd suspicion that X (an unknown quantity, by the way) was against it, and X had a certain following. The wily one had tracks that were devious, and knew that the palm-oiling process was of little avail. Strategy was the only resource. The wily one lived at Thorndon, X lived at Te Aro end, and a good spec lay in the near end of the Wairarapa. Coal was outcropping not far from Featherston, and symptomatic gold allurements were in the neighbourhood. True it is that such things exist. An appointment was made. One was to catch the early train at the bottom of Tory-street, and the other jump on at the Thorndon end. * * * The Te Aro man was -on board right enough, and being snug and comfortable in a first-class cushioned carriage — well wrapped and with a good smoke — awaited the arrival of his friend, but before he could realise the fact that the wily one wasn't there, he was whirled off in the departing train. A telegram at the nearest Btation was what he naturally expected, but his opportunity had gone, and daylight began to burst in on him. It was not until he reached the southormost station of the Wairarapa that he resolved to return by the next train, but the damage had been done. Committee work was complete, and when he sought his regretful friend, the latter was headwrapped, throat-flannelled, and filled with a profusion of apologies. A cold snap occurs when they meet now.

If she can be taken at her own valuation, there is a treasure at Wanganui waiting for someone to take her to his heart. This is how she advertises herself in the columns of a local paper : — " Matrimony. I, the undersigned, am a pretty girl with a flower-like face, perfect eye brows, and & good figure, I have money enough to make life easy, and to entitle myself to spend my years with some man who will ever be my companion, and will admire the flowers by day and the moon by night. If any handsome, fastidious, clever, and accomplished gentleman is willing to accept this offer, I can assure him that I will be true to him for life, and that when life is over I shall be ready to get buried in the one grave." Such opportunities are rare, indeed.

Quietly told in the city that the employees in a certain big institution made a united demand lately for an increase in salary. The chief gave them another shilling a week each. Even the office boy lined up with the rest, but he was fired out with great enthusiasm. • • • One much suspected, highly dressed female personage, who frequently visits the local drapery emporiums and brings out more than she buys / was caught unmistakably the other day. But the manager was merciful. In his private office the delinquent was given an impressive lecture on the crime of dishonesty, and with tingling ears she walked through the establishment with her veil down.

King Richard might well grant the prayer of his 600 and odd Chinese subjects who are petitioning Parliament to stop or limit the importation of opium. The Chinkies say that more opium is being used every year, and the vile habit is extending to the European youth. This is true enough. Only the other day, a European is said to have brought his fifteen-year-old boy out of a Chinese den in Te Aro, and if you ask the Salvation Army people, they can give you several instances of European women taking to the drug. In Sydney and Melbourne, hundreds of larrikins and larrikinesses patronise the opium dens. » # • Snake and lion stories are among the stock features of " our boys' " letters from Rhodesia. One of the standing jokes seems to be to drop a piece of r,o,pe into the middle of a squatting group and watch the timorous scatter. • # * Gem from Wellington S.M. Court. Young man being proceeded against by his mother for failing to support her. Magistrate : " When did you last see your mother ?" Defendant : " This morning." " Where ?" " Lying drunk at the railway station !" After further enquiries case dismissed. • # * An expression better left unsaid was used at a valedictory meeting in the South. The church people had met to say farewell to their pastor, who had given up his charge to become a missionary in foreign parts. A clergyman from another church was offering up a special prayer, and this is how he put it : "0 Lord, bless our friend, Thy servant, in his special mission in distant lands ; and, 0 Lord, keep him there!" • * • Our " very own" poet went to a Health lecture by a local medico, and has handed in the following bacteriological ballad : — We know now there's death in the air, Tyrotoxicon will get its due ; Ptomaines dwell in the swellest of fare — Every mouthful means danger for you, Of roast, or of fried, or of stew, Of hashed, or of mashed, or of broiled. The reasons by no means are few, Why water must always be boiled. Sneer at Chappie's advice if you dare, Your daring you're certain to rue ! You must sterilise all that you wear, Or look at, or taste of, or chew ! The Bacillus don't stop to ask " why ? " And the deadly Spirillum is coiled ; Micrococci are hanging round, too, So water must always, be boiled. Envoi. Whatever else science may do, The pleasures of eating are spoiled — 'Tis the word of the Fyffe-Chapple crew, That water must always be boiled.

A progressive dinner party was held in a house on Wellington Terrace one night last week. All the gentlemen moved up one place after each course, and con* sequently had opportunity of conversing with half a dozen ladies during the dinner. Not a bad idea, and looks all right. * * # The Christchurch papers haven't had it, but here it is. A newly appointed bank clerk down Soutn was ordered to join in Wellington. He arrived in the Cathedral City about eight o'clock, and proceeded to the branch there the same evening. There was a light in the bank, and passing through some iron railings, he followed it and ran into a man with a fierce voice, frieze overcoat and big stick, who demanded, " Phwat d'ye want ?" The new arrival enquired for one of the officers by name, and -was met with the query, " Whoi don't yez come in the daytime ?" The overcoat man rushed to the gate of the aforesaid iron railings, got outside on the pavement, closed the gate and shouted, " Police, police," for all he was worth ; then turning towards the caged official he shook his stick at him while he excitedly shouted "Ay ye resist I'll bate ye." A crowd had assembled, and a sergeant and two constables appeared. The zealous watchman gave his captive in charge for trying to break into the bank. Prisoner was marched off for some yards, but fortunately he had his letter of appointment in his pocket, and its perusal by the sergeant caused his immediate release. Later on the same watchman smote one of the inspectors who was visiting the bank at night. He has been superseded. Thus doth devotion go unrewarded. * • # Over indulgence in the seductive bowl causes a great deal of trouble. A one time well-known commercial man arrived from the South the other day to take a position in a big local institution, and duly celebrated the occasion, with the result that he was forcibly informed that he needn't change his coat. Then he celebrated some more, and he may now be daily seen standing gloomily on the wharf counting seagulls for the Harbour Board. * * *

A.D. 1900. " I'm monarch of all I survey," And my right there was none to dispute, But those islands, just over the sea, Are lost to me, Joes, so acute. I merely just wished to annex, And fling o'er them my segis so strong, But Joe, just on purpose to vex, Has said no, and put me in the wrong. My followers all will admit How Pacific my sway still has been ; Its extension Joe will not permit, I had hoped to have found him more green. From " The Islands," June 31, 1900.

Who were the two members of the Press Gallery that distinguished themselves in extinguishing the fire in Tinakori road ? Since they only got their clothes in a great mess, and got little else besides, they will now realize the fun it is to belong to an impromptu amateur fire brigade. » # # The Boxers were not always known by their present name, which suggests the existence of glove-fights — not under Queensberry rules — in the Celestial Empire. They have appeared in' the past as followers of the Bed Shade, of the Golden Bill, the Iron Shirt, and the Sect of the Great Water. Their latest name is the Union of Peace and Patriotism, a nice name indeed for brutes who impale women and children alive and hack them to pieces, bit by bit. • • • Once more is woman false, and man betrayed. She clung round his neck, and vowed to be true to him, when he was far away dealing out death to the slim Boer. And he, firm in the noble constancy of woman, placed her drooping form in the arms of his best friend, stepped on board the Wellington express at Butcherville, and vanished from her gaze through a mist of tears. Now the best friend may be seen in the cool of the starry evening fulfilling his trust, and- looking after the flaxen-haired frail one with an intensity of friendly ardour that speaks volumes for his staunch comradeship. And of the departed one the humorists of Butcherville grin and say, " Poor Blanke 1 'E is»'i in it now !" • # * An ex- New Zealand boy, now on Eastern and Australian Telegraph staff at Singapore, says that golf flourishes in the Straits Settlements, despite the " strong heat." They have some nice cheerful links at Singapore, judging by the following description :—": — " We played over a Chinese graveyard, around the lunatic asylum and hospital, and finished on the lawn of the Orphan Asylum. The links are very spoity, the tombs serving for bunkers and other hazards, while a ball driven over the wall of the Lunatic Asylum is lost, and you lose stroke by stroke. The tombs are slowly being bashed to pieces by the wild efforts of the players to get the balls out of the crevices in the bricks." All very amusing, no doubt, but a rather dangerous game to play nowadays with some good Chinese in the town. What would Wellingtonians say if the local Chinkies took to playing their football up at the Karori Cemetery ? • * * Samoa hasn't taken on its new Teutonic garb quickly enough for some of the new proprietors. There was a little German captain capering about Apia the other day, and making swaggering complaints that everything about the place was too English altogether. "I go ashore and I find I have to speak English. Igo into a shop and I find that I have to use English or American coin, and even our own Supreme Court is conducted in English. It's atrocious. I shall write home to the Kaiser." "Very well," said the Governor, "if you think you can do better you can try your hand." So the captain set to work, and the same afternoon he sent a squad of marines ashore with paint and paint brushes. Under his direction they painted the little bridge (which is right in the middle of the town) red, white and black, the German colours. They painted the top rail like a barber's pole, only in the aforesaid colours. It is called " The Barber's Bridge " now.

Some people have no luck. It is stated that the house of a country resident was burned down the other day while he was on his way to insure it. A telegram reached him in town shortly after arrival, and he couldn't very well insure what he didn't then own. It has been done in New Zealand before now, however. "What a year this is for infliction of lifelong enormities on helpless infancy 1 But our New Zealand curios in baptismal names can't beat some awful combinations from South Africa. Examples : Talana Eland Smith ; Belmonta Graspana Modderiva Brown ; and, on the Boer side, Immanuel Kruger Steyn Triomphus Troskie. Why should a poor kiddie be made a living monument of a ghastly tragedy ? » * * The local shootists at Carterton have formed a gun club. ,. But why- did one of the champions advertise for " tame pigeons " ? Is it that a gay and festive " blue rock " would be too expensive an item, since there would not be a plethora of tame pigeon pies in Carterfcon ? Or does the giddy gunnist comtemplate flooding the game market with a hecatomb of tame pigeons slaughtered in sport ? When is this barbarism to be put a stop to ?

# # * Consolation. " Would you miss me mujh, my darling?" He said, with a heavy sigh, " If I should be called from our little nest To a home beyond the sky ?" " Could you bear to come to the table, And sit in your same old place, While you gazed through tears on an empty chair, Where you now see my form and face ?" " And what consolation could earth afford To you in your widowed plight ?" " Oh, well," she replied, " there's one good thing, 1 I'd'know where you were at night !" — Merle. • • # The dovecots of one of the towns in the Wairarapa have been fluttered by the eagles of hoodlumdom. The happening was thus wise. A select tennis club in the town got up a danee — purely an invitation affair, though the mere men had to pay for their tickets — and the gilded youth of the hamlet flocked to the palatial hall to tread a galliard with their lady loves. In the midst of their festivities, knockings at the walls proclaimed the advent of an enemy. The supper room was first invaded — the viler throng, in the shape of a larrikin army, had taken possession. Evening dress and boiled shirt fronts proved ineffectual in the checking of bellbottoms and stiff-brimmed beavers. Jellies and blanc mange plastered themselves against the walls of the supper room, and claret cup and more potent liquors melted down the rapacious maws of the great unwashed. In vain the police were sent for. The damage had been done and the > loot removed. » When "law" arrived/* in all the military majesty of a tall and soldierly figure, not a solitary hoodlum remained fco suffer incarceration. And •• silence sat with stony face" over the empty tables of the unhappy tennis club.

Already there is talk of things beinS made warm for plucky W. W. Collins, the senior member for Christchurch, because he has actually dared to have a mind of his own, and to vote against the surpassingly cheek-ful proposal of members to raise their own salaries. The story goes that an attempt has already been made to stir up the Christchurch Liberals to hold an indignation meeting, but that the project didn't catch on. It will be interesting „to see, however, what little " get back " game the Government will try on Collins when the next general election comes round. Walter Symes, too, will be lucky if he gets many votes for his district this year. Wait till the Public Works Estimates come down.

More recognition of greatness. Railway general manager Ronayne is referred to by an up-country journal as "Mr Rohayul " ! • • • " How do you like living in Wellington after the country ?" asked the good lady's niece. "Well, they 'says it's lovely, but give me Mangatainoka. Why, when we got a new armchair in the dining room up there, all the women in the settlement came round to see what it cost. I could buy half an auction room' here, and no one cares." # • * The story goes that the ambitious daughter of a wealthy citizen lately conceived the idea that she would like to warble in the choir of the church of which the family are such good financial patrons. The conductor, approached by the parson, took her on trial. To put it mildly she wasn't a success. How the music director managed to convey to her that she must acquire a voice before she was eligible for the gallery is not recorded ; but she had to be dropped — even pa's influence could not prevent that. Choir singing is a tender subject in that household now. * • w Epigram, perpetrated during the sale season, by an enraged husband :—: — 'Tis said there's nothing sure in life, Such folly makes one smile, For every quarter, spite our strife, Her gowns " go out of style." Poor fellow I # * • The loose system which obtains in some of the banking institutions, not only in New Zealand, but in other colonies, was again evidenced in the case of the two bank officials committed for trial at Rangiora last week for the embezzlement of nearly five thousand pounds. It was pointed out by Mr Stringer, who prosecuted, that in all probabilily the embezzlements would not have been practicable had not the farmers in the Rangiora district showed extraordinary Arcadian simplicity in rarely asking for their deposit slips. The magistrate in a measure coincided with this, and incidentally alluded to the periodical audits that took place. To this reply was made, however, that it was impossible for men to make a coriect audit of books if there was no evidence of money having been received, and no evidence of the bank having paid it away. A plausible statement this, but it is very evident that there was something radically wrong all through.