A COLUMN From "Punch's Almanack," for 1850.

New Zealander, Volume 6, Issue 449, 3 August 1850, Page 2

A COLUMN From "Punch's Almanack," for 1850.

Breakfast Abroad : On some fine morning, the city which you reside in undergoing a siege, you ring for your egg and toast ; instead of which there comes a shell and a roll of musketry — Allowance to Witness : For a witness who gets confused under tho bullying of a counsel— no allowance fora witness vt ho tells the truth to the damage of his own side— monkey s allowance ; for a witness who goes any length for thoie who c«iU him— every allowance— How to find "Mean" Time; L?arn of Molly, the maid, the lime of dinner and always drop in at the exact moment.— Cons, from the Continental Troubles : Why was it unfair to miike the Socialists walk from New Orleans to Icana ? Because they had paid their money to Cab it (C.iba). — P— s, the brewer, meeting the Pope, asked his Holiness what he (P—s) could do that he (the Pope) couldn't The Pope gave it up. "You can't get into the YaM-can," rejoined P-s with ,i witty smile.-— Why are the Pope and lm people unlikely to agree ? Because they diff.r on Cardinal point*. — Tenancy : If you determine to move your goods by moonlight, it may perhaps be desirable for the satisfaction of the policeman, to have about you the receipt for the rent for the expired quarter.— How to make Lite eminently disagreeuble : Always provide for everything befoiehand. As things, me sure to turn out differently from what you have arianged, this will familial ise you with disappointment. Always go back upon a mistake or a misfortune, and bo take the opportunity ot proving how much better things would have been if something had been done that hasn't. Never give way in trifles, as there is no Baying how soon you may be culled upon to give way in mallei sof inoic importance. A mistifbs may talk at her servants, but should never lower herself >o far as to tulle to them. Never dress for your husband, which will teach him to value you for your gifts of mind not your attractions of person. Ne\er give expression" to yonr affections, as there is no saying how soon they may alter, and you may thus be guilty of great inconsistency. Never consult the taste of your butband, or he will m time come to look on his house as a club, wheie all is comfort and self indulgence.— Sentiment in Spring: The solitary rambler will now observe that the meadowi, after the vernal showers, are adorned with the ranunculus or bachelor s button ; and will with he could lay the »arne of his shirts when they come home from the wash. — Typographical Earthquake : Last year a severe shock of an earthquake was felt on the extensive groundi of the English Language, which trembled to thnt excess in coniequence, that it nearly lost all its parts of speech, and for week* could hardly articulate. The »hock was the most severe in the Strand, on a small spot occupied by the office of the Fonctic Nuz (" Pece 2iz hashei !") Every dictionary was turned topsy turvy, and words were found wanting to express the consternnton that was experienced on reading the newspaper that was published soon after the earthquake. Not a syllable had been lett standing in its pioper place ; broken nouns and damaged adjectives were strewed about in every direction ; verbs were knocked into the most disfigured mass of verbiage ; indefinite ai tides were rendered still more indefinite ; and proposition!), participles ai.d pronouns, lay in such a preposterous heap ol unpronounceable rubbish, that it would have puzzled anyj lexicogiapliic coroner to have pronounced a single sentence upon them.— Wishing them many Happy Returns : We see that tobacco is to be in eluded among the provisiora to ba sent to Sir John Franklin. We hope Government will not iorget to send him, for the good omen ol the thing, a liberal quantity of shortcut and lelurns, so that Sir John may soon "pipe all hands" cheerily for England.-— A few Golden Rules transmitted into Brass : The bolden Rules : 1. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do to day. 2. Never trouble another for a trifle which you can do yourself. 3. spend your moueybetoie you have it if you would make the most of your means. 4. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly. The Biazen Rules: 1. Put off till to-morrow the dun who won't be done to day. 2. When another would trouble you for a trifle, ntvei" trouble yourself, 3. Spend your money before you have it ; and when you have it spend it a^uin, for by so doing you enjoy your means tw ee, instead or only once. 4. You have only to do a creditor willingly, and ho will never be troublesome.—Presence of Mind in Presents: Every piesent should have a hidden meaning in it ; for instance, if a gentleman is desperately in love with a young lacy, he cannot do belter than give her a footmuff as it implies, in the openest manner, that he is a muff always ready to lie at her feet ; and if a young lady is djing to be inanied to a young gentleman she can tell him so in the moat flattering insinuating way, by giving him a most beautiful embroidered slipper — mind, only one, as it is the very odtlness of the present which confesses to him that, to complete the happy pair, he

can alone supply a handsome fellow. — To Persons about to commence Housekeeping : Of all housekeepers there is not one that will kerp a house longer than the Court of Chancery. It will keep it for a hundred yean, and at the end of that period, the house will be io thoroughly cleaned out, and swept from top to bottom, that no one shall know it to be the same.— Keisington Gardening Operations : Mothers should prepare for the season, by planting out delicate off shoots with a view to grafting on to young sprigs. Tor the purpoie of grafting, it is better to select the older branches, which should be nailed with care. I—Licenses1 — Licenses : A marriage license costs five pounds, and a pawnbroker's costs fifteen. It has never yet been decided by the law authorities, whether a marriage license may be dispensed with in cases where a pawnbroker's license has been obtained ; the latter perhaps, conferring the power of pledging <aie's vows, and popping the question.— Hints about Fire : la case of fire, whatever may be the heat of the moment, keep cool ; let nothing put you out, but find something to put out the fire ; keep yourself collected, and then collect your family. Afcer putting on your shoes and stockings, call out for pumps and hose to the firemen. Don't think about saving your watch and rings, for while you stand wringing your hands, you may be neglecting the turncock, who is a jewel of the first water at such a moment. Bid him with all your might tuin on the main.— Wise Saws by an old File ; Coal is the real philosopher's stone. It is the ballast of the good ship Britannia* which would be assuredly scuttled without it. The true glory of England consists in her coal, and alas ! how much of it, like other kinds of glory, is destined to end in smoke. — Rag F.rr : It is a puzzle to know why the Lord Mayor's Procession is still continued every month of November, for its excessively seedy state quite rips up the old excuse that it is done merely " for the show of the thing." — How to Procure Golden Dreams at Will : Take a rock in a California " cradle "—Good Wishes for Christmas: May the overnight face over the punch^bowl bear the morning's reflection in the looking glass. — What nation was most prominent in the Continental Troubles ? Hallucination.— To make Tea go further than usual : When you put the water to your tea, add a spoonful of the best Gunpowder into the pot, and having set a light to it, you will find your tea go a great deal further than you expected.— A new Reading of an old Request to John O' Connell : " Shut up your (agi) tator trap "—Eclipses : The ordinary almanacks state that there will be two eclipses in the course of the year 1850, but we beg to announce that thcie will be a third, for during the year .1850 Mister Punch will be found eclipsing all he has done hitheito. — Duty on Agreements : There is a duty of £l on an agreement of not more tlist 1030 words, but disagreements have many more words and go to much greater lengths, so that they are of'en very costly to the parties concerned. The duty in these cases is to avoid them as much ns possible.— A Far-fetched Comparison : The sense of the say in*, " Jolly as a Sandboy," may puzzle the ra>tional inquirer, and he will havo to go some way to find it out j but if he wishes to undeistand the peculiar jolity of the Sandboy, he should see him at work on the sand of California.— Legal Hints: When your lawyer tels you that you can muintain an action, he frequently has no other object in view than that you should assist in maintaining him. Under the Registration Act, it is not necessary to register a berth under Government. — Inequality of Taxes: The duty on a puck of hounds iis hirty six pounds but on a pack of cards it is only eighteen-pence.

Colossal Birds of New Zealand. —At the last meeting of the Geological Society of London, Dr. Mantell. in illustration of a memoir on a large collcc. lion of fossils nnd rock specimens lately received from his son, Mr. Wai er Muutell, of New Zealand, cxhi* bited some highly interesting remains of the colossal birds of that country ; among them were tkulls anil mandibles, egg shells, and enormous bones of the hinder extremities. The most remarkable were the entire series of bones composing the legs and feet of the same individnal, Dinormis yigantcus, found in a morass at Waikonuiti, on the Middle Island, standing erect, the one a yard in advance of the other, as if the bird had been mired in the- swamp, and perished on the spot. The entire length of the fo tof the origina must have been sixteen inchei, and its greatsst breadth eighteen inches, and the height of the bird nearly tea feet, Some extensive caverns, lined with stalactites have been discovered in the North Island and are said to contain bones of the Most and other animals. Among the rock specimens are masses of limestone containing fossils like those of the English chalk, and the stone itself is almost wholly compoied of fosil animalculss, like that of Dover.

THK SPITAIiFIELDS MODEL LODGING - HOUSE.— The ceremonial of opening the new lodging-boueo constructed in Spicer-streetj Spitalfields, by the Association for Improving the Dwellingi of the Industrious Poor, took place on Wednesday last. The building is of great extent, and five stories high. The basement story is occupied by baths and washing apparatus, having ample space for celhrage and work-shops. The ground^flour is occupied by the superintendent'i-room, coffee-room, and reading-room, and all above the ground-flour is sleeping-room. There is sleeping accommodation for 234 single men, consisting of large dormitories, paititionsd off to the height of 6 feet into little rooms, Bft long by 4ft 6 in. in breadth. Each apartment contains the narrowest possible of iron beadsteads, and a box for ventilation purposes, which also serves as a seat. There are throughout the building applimces for washing and altogether an amount ot accommodation which must prove a favourable change from the horrid dens which recent investigations prove to be tenanted by the poor.—Atlas,

Public Libraries — The number of public Libraries in the Uuited Statei in H49, as reported to the Regents of the Smithsonian Institute, was 182 ; of which 48 contained over 10,000 volumes each ; nine over 20,0'J0, and only iwo over 50,000. The number of volumes in all these librnnes is 1,291,000. Only France has a larger number of public libraries, 241 ; but in number of Volumes we are surpussed by Germany} which has 5,500,000 ; France, 5,000,000; Great Britain, 2 500,000; ami even Russia, 1,500,000. The library of Congress is rated at over 45,000 volumes, and is one of the most select and valuable in the whale countryA Swiss journal statei that a goat has recently be:n burnt in or.p of the Roman Catholic cantons, "as a witch and emissaty of the devil."— Eastern Counties Herald, Jan. 31. The Budget of Switzerland, for the year 1850, which has been pi evented to the Federal Council, shows a surplus of revenue over expenditure of 9G5,046f. Ga.WTii of London.— -Two hund ed miles of streets have been added duutiw the last seven yean. Villages which a few years since weie ten or twelve nultß distant are now part of the metropolis. Lord Byron said the greatest lri.il to a woman's beauty was the ungraceful act of eating eggs. He never saw one of the cntlcrs hanging on by the teeth, to a bluzinsr hot corn cob— lhat's clear.