CHAT ABOUT TRIFLES. No. l.-From Dunedin to Oamaru. (Concluded.)

North Otago Times, 22 September 1864, Page 1 (Supplement)

CHAT ABOUT TRIFLES. No. l. -From Dunedin to Oamaru. (Concluded.)

We were now climbing up the steep sidling on io the JPort Chalmers road, and as the coach leaned over very considerably, the lady gave vent to a very loud scream, and seized hold of the tarry individual, who I could see by the increasing light was a sailor. " Hold hard, inarm,'* said he good-naturedly, passing his arm round her waist for support. " She'e only on a wind a trifle, and will soon find a even keel." " How dare you touch me, iir ?" replied this amiable specimen of womankind, when the coach righted. "I've a great mind to speak to the driver immediately, and have 3 ou turned out." "Well, if that arn't the richest," muttered the sailor, turning to me. " If I prevent another woman tailing out of the coach, I'm blowed. How far doe3 this load go to ? Don't they separate somewhere8 ?" " Yes, at Waikouaiti," I replied. " The Dunetan coach then takes some, and the Oamaru coach the rest." " I hope that cantankerous old thing won't go my road anyhow," said the aailor. " Have you been to the Dunstan, sir ?" "No," said I. " Have you P" asked Jack, turning to Thirtystone, "I have, sir," replied he, condescendingly; "and I am sorry to say I am obliged to go again." " What sort of a place is it, sir ?" " It is a calico town of about half-a-mile in length, situated on the edge of a large river. It is eurrounded by bare hills, and is chiefly remarkable for the patience of the inhabitants, who have been waiting two years for the river to go down," '•And what have they been doing all this time?" asked Jack. " Drinking nobblers at a shilling a-piece, and endeavoring to find a metlfod of burning some stuffealled lignite, which possesses in some degree the properties of the famous anthracite— which felt like coal, smelt like coal, tasted like coal, and looked like coal—the only difference being that coal will burn, and that won't. I have myself been in an hotel on the Dunstan, and beheld something like a black pint pot on legs in the middle of the room, and round it a dozen men with their noses advanced as closely as possible, and endeavoring in a ghastly manner to persuade one another that they were warm and comfortable; while inside the pint pot you might observe, if you examined closely, a single spark amidst a heap of black and brown clay, struggling to preserve its frail existence against a combination of the most adverse circumstances." The sailor shrunk back at the conclusion of this long address, and the solemn conclusion. The fat gentleman, seeing that he had made an impression, smiled benignantly and looked round for applause, at the same time removing his knee, eo as to enable me to breathe more freely. While this conversation was in progress, which the reader must not iraagipe was wholly without interruption, we had been crossing the range of hills dividing Dunedin from Waikouaiti, and which rejoiced in the title of the Blueskin Itange. My Scotch friend informed me that this name was derived from the chief of a party of Maoris who formerly lived there, and who was so completely tattooed that the original color of his skin had become almo3t entirely changed to blue — a color, however beautiful in itself, which i« not considered to improve the human body. The conversation then turned upon the signification of the different Maori names of places in Otago. Thirty-stone obliged us with the information that the original name of the Shag River was the Waihemo—-sig-nifying the deadly or fatal water, and indulged in a learned dissertation on the probable origin of the name. 11 It's no so verra deeficult to guess," said the Scot, winking at me. " In all prob ibeelity a native gentleman ganging hame a wee bit fou tummled intil it, and forgot to get oot till he was kilt." Thia explanation did not seem to suit the old boy, for he looked contemptuously at the Scotchman, and muttered that at the time the river was named, there was nothing to get a " wee bit fou" on. 11 Change horses," called out our Jehu, leaping from the box, and dexterously taking a turn out of his huge woollen comforter so as to drop it under his right arm, thus banging across like a ecarf—a performance, I believe, peculiar to Mr Miles. Those passengers who could manage to extricate themselves before the coach again started, here got out and began to stretch their limbs, and etimulate themselves with P.B. — at least that was the prevailing odour when we were once again packed up. I happened to remark that our driver was very skilful to bring us ho far in safety along the dangerous sidling, winding about the hills at our rear, and " like a wounded snake, trailing its slow length along" through bush and over mountain. " It is true," remarked the gentleman of the turnpike story ; '• yet do you not notice what a peculiarity there ia among all these drivers — how obstinately taciturn they are? There is Frank Rutherford, for example, who drives the Dunstan coach to the half-way. He's a long thin, regular Yankee, and as skilful a driver as ever handled a whip ; but you might just as well try to open en oyster with your little finger as endeavor to make him speak. I recollect onco we had stopped for the night, and Frank was smoking his pipe after supper in the chimney corner. I hadn't heard him utter a word ever since our arrival, »nd bo I put some question to him — something which merely required " yes" or " no" as an answer. I repeated my question twice, but with the same effect, and ratner disgusted I took no more notice. What wa8 my surprise to see him, about five minutes after, take his pipe from his mouth, spit twice very deliberately, and utter the word "Yes." He then replaced his pipe and relapsed into his oyster-like condition ; nor was I sufficiently encouraged by my success to make any further advances towards drawing him into conconversation." After pursuing our journey for some time, a hail from Jehu directed us to get out and stretch our " poor feet," as the horsea were toilsomely ascending a steep bill. This we did, and marched on in advance of the coach, objects of hall-pity, hnlf-amqsement to the road-makers and stonebreakers at work at intervals along the track. My friend informed me that it put him in mind of travelling to the Dunstan by the West Taieri— • M where you walk up the hills from necessity, and down them from choice, and there isn't any flat country." But our little exercise did not last many minutes. At the first sound of " all aboard," the coach was besieged by eager applicants for the most comfortable seats, and a further drive of lialf-an-hour took us to Waikouaiti— an exceedingly scattered township, but with • "rising" appearance — and here lve were informed we should breakfast. Breakfast 1 Who, after five hours' exercise in the raw, keen morning air, such as we had been enjoying, ever heard this sound with indifference P Not I, tov one j and to see my fellow travellers bundling out of the coach and making all kinda of grotesque flourishes to circulate their halfggtniisd blood within their benumbed and cramped mbs, one would think they were as pleated to fatar the welcome cry as myself, and were making &C86 spread eagle like gyrations in the mere exuteraatfe «4* their joy. We entered the breakfast

room of the Golden Fleece, and were soon engaged in a scramble for seats. 11 Never sit at the middle of a table when there's half a chance of a hurry," remarked my friend of the turnpike story, whom I will call Jones. " Invariably take the head or foot as nearly as possible." Silently acquiescing, I took a seat beside him near the head of the table, and very soon the clatter of knives and forks drowned every sound but the cry of some would-be eater, whose voice sounded quite ravenous in his impatience. These dissatisfied cries at length aroused my attention, and on looking around, discovered they proceeded from the unfortunate occupants of the middle of the table, and who were left totally unprovided for, notwithstanding their many injurious remarks on the waiters' industry, coupled with a few doubts on the soundness of their eyes and limbs. Some, in utter despair, were feeding silently and revengefully on bread; and one individual, after many attempts to obtain some other eatable, had set to at the sugar. I then perceived the wisdom of Jones' remarks, and finishing my last cup of tea, arose, filled with gratitude and breakfast combined. About the same time I left the tible, the coachman rose, and oh! the glare of the unfed when they noticed this prelude to their departure. I was about to ask for the morning paper, when M Passengers for Oamaru— -all aboard," turned my attention into a new channel, and I got aboard accordingly. Mr. Jones, the Scotchman, and the sailor were my fellow-passengers, and I could observe the huge breadth of Thirty-stone looming on the box seat. M'Intosh certainly had'nt much room to spare. " Awful scramble for meali at these roadside places," remarked Mr. Jones. " On Ballarat, in the old days, though, we used to have the fun. The innkeepers absolutely used to pay the drivers to rouse the passengers from their meals. One day we had sat down to dinner not two minutes when the coachman roared out " all aboard." We were about to expostulate when someone cried out ' Seize the dishes,' and seize them we did, rushing to the coach with the first things we could lay hands on. Some had a dish of potatoes, or cabbage, while another possessed himself of a couple of fowls or a leg of mutton. One old fellow had got a tureen of soup and was spilling it in all directions as he waddled off. The landlord j and waiters were stupefied for a moment and then began an attack to recover the dishes. Of course we resisted, retreating to the coach. The landlord had the tureen over his head in a minute, and we pelted the waiters with potatoes till they cleared out. The coachman was so sick with laughing that he could'nt drive, and this pro- j longed the battle a bit, for we held the coach like i a castle, and fought from the roof and' through | the windows. There was one bit of ill-lock in j it though, for the landlord sent a trooper after the coach, and in putting on steam to give him a race, and being too weak with laughing to guide the horses properly, the driver tipped us all in a ditch. A china-shop after a mad bull had been in it was nothing to that coach— all filled with broken crockery and grease. After that we all had our fair ten minutes." '■ The Fleece is no like Beal's, mon," said the Scotchman, whom I forgot to mention was one of the unfed before alluded to. " Wad that the dog wha caused the Fleece to be erectit were hangit. tl What, have'nt you heard of that affair P" said Mr Jones, in answer to a query from me. " It seema that old Billy Hopkinson, the owner of the Fleece, had a dog that he was particularly fond of. At that time Beal's used to be the house of call— the one at the corner of the main street. Well, by some unlucky chance Beal happened to run foul of this confounded tyke of Billy's, and kicked him. • What did you kick my dog for ?' says Billy in a fury. • Bother the dog,' saya Beal, 'it very nearly broke my neck, tripping me up,' says he ; 'a worthless cur.' 'A cur!' sings Billy, dancing mad. ' I'll ruin you ; you kick my dog, I'll ruin you;' and out he went in a pelter, and put up the Golden Fleece. He took some of the custom' from Beal's, but I think he's far from ruined yet. " ' What great e% ! ents from little causes flow.' " In the meantime I had been looking at the Dunstan coach, which had followed closely on our trail till now, when we diverged to the right and soon had the benefit of a road of at least a passable quality. The unfortunate Dunstan conveyance went ploughing on its devious course, and circling round a boggy spot like a moth round a candle before making its plunge. Our road continued to improve till at length we went along at a canter, drawing rein at last for a change of horses at a solitary wayside inn. "The township of Palmerston, gentlemen," said Mr Jones, aa he jumped out and invited me to follow. " This place put me in mind of some of the Victorian townships, where there's only a | blacksmith's, a public bouse, and a Wesleyan chapel." " Talking of townships," said I, " Oamaru would make a capital Brighton for Dunedin." "Why, yes; and certainly the Dunedinites want some place to cleanse themselves of their mud occasionally," replied Mr Jones. " Apropos of watering places, I will tell you a circumstance that once occurred to me. I had been staying at a noted bathing place, and one fine morning went out for a Bwim. It happened to be rather rough, and what with the salt water and my having been out the previous night with some friends, I got rather confused concerning the latitude of my machine. There was a long row of them glaring at me, but for my life I could'nt tell which was mine. At all events, after a vain search in which I met with many observations on my stupidity and intrusiveness, I struck upon one which was empty. But I was no sooner in it than I felt convinced the clothes I saw there were not mine, being a suit that would admirably fit our friend on the box. However, I was too tired to bother myself much about the fit, and so dressed myself with the intention of going on a voyage of discovery after ray own traps. Behold me then invested in a pair of trousers that I could with the greatest difficulty prevent dropping about my heels — a coat that would have held six like me, the tails reaching to about my waist, and a Quaker sort of hat. I stepped out, feeling you may be sure very much like a fool, and walked along the sands, my ears tingling as I heard the titters that arose on all sides, which gradually swelled into a roar of laughter. I had gone some distance when I heard a cry of 'Stop thief!' and should undoubtedly have turned to see what the row was, whtn I saw — yes, I could not be mistaken —my stray garments encircling another gentleman's limbs, and moving off in the distance with marvellous celerity. I immediately gave chase, hallooing at the top of my voice, but dreadfully impeded by ray ridiculous clothes, which flopped about me like a ship's sails in a calm. I first threw away the coat, then the waistcoat, and I verily believe the ' inixprissiblcs ' would have followed, had I not perceived I was gaining on the fugitive, who had stopped to take in a reef in his. Still the row behind me increased, and suddenly I was pounced upon by a constable and shaken till the breath was nearly out of my body. I was in a minute the ' cynosure of every eye,' in the midst of the crowd being the little fat wretch whose clothes I had so unceremoniously appropriated; and who, puffing and blowing like a stranded grampus, was standing wrapped up in a sheet, and looking like a corpulent ghost just having had a hard run from Old Nick. 'Let me go,' says I, struggling with the constable and pointing to the appropriator of my habiliments, who was rapidly disappearing from sight. 'No

fear,* says bobby, giving me another shake ; ' I'm up to all the dodges of you swell mob coves.' 4 Hold him tight policeman,' cry a score of voices. * Send for assistance— oh you delinquent,' gasped the old boy. * What a shock for his family— such a respectable looking young man too!' exclaims some sympathising female— bless her heart. Well I was hauled off to the station, and a couple of hours after had to appear before the magistrates. The case was heard; the old buffer spun his yarn, and I spun mine. I could see that one of the magistrates had made up his mind to convict me, but the second says — 'I scarcely think there's sufficient evidence of felonious intent to justify your committal ; and though the fact of having lost your clothes does not justify you in taking anyone else's, yet such a circumstance may be accepted as some excuse for so doing, for few people would care to traverse the streets in broad daylight in a state of nature. I myself had quite a similar accident happen to me this morning, and I am sure no one who knows me would suspect me of felonious intent.' * Yes, by the powers !' I sung out ; ' and if you are'nt the chap I was chasing at the time I was collared myself, I'm most eternally flabbergasted.' Upon my life that was the truth ; the court was in a roar, and even the bailiff condescended to smile. I was released, and obtained my duds from his worshipful worship." How much further my friend — whose "jawing tackle," to use the expression of our nautical fellow traveller, seemed to be in wonderful going order — proceeded, it is impossible to say, for a sense of drowsiness having come over me, I yielded to its influence and was jolted to sleep. We stopped to dine at Hampden, and about six or half-past I had the pleasure of a full view of Oamaru as we topped our last hill. Houses of stone glimmered whitely in the semi-darkness, and gave an air of comfort, solidity and permanence, of which most of the other towns of Otago are entirely destitute. I had just time to note this, and the two or three vessels lying snugly at anchor under the cape, when we stopped — thank God, for the last time. Need I say more ? My friend Jones introduced me to Baker's, where fortunately we were in time for dinner, to which we did ample justice. I soon retired to rest, leaving Jones in the middle of some impossible yarn, for everything seemed to be imbued with a jogging sort of motion, as if I were still aboard the coach, and I was much scandalised at hearing whispered doubts as to my sobriety. I slept the sleep of innocence and peace being awakened only by a sort of bustle that seemed to pervade the house after I had been asleep ten minutes. A reference to my watch showed the cause. It was 5 a.m. and a fresh batch of victims were being prepared for the tumbril, while a hoarse cry was pealing round the corner, at which I could now grin defiance, "All aboard."