RUSSIAN COOKERY.
[From Punch.']
Under this head may be included three dishes — one provided expressly for the Czar; another pre pared for discussion amongst foreign ministers and consuls; and a third done up for the swallow of the Russian people. The dishes alluded to are so many versions of a story ; as, for example, that of the bombardment of Odessa. We subjoin samples of these concoctions. They are all addressed to Nicholas; but The First is Private and Confidential.
"Sire— With the greatest regret I have the honour to inform your Majesty that, in revenge for a shot or two fired on a flag of truce, all the works of this town have been bombarded and ut tetly destroyed by the enemy's steamers, with the exception of the commercial mole. The shipping protected by the mole, and the town itself were unaccountably spared ; but all the vessels of the imperial mole were burnt. The powder magazine has been blown up; 700 men have been killed, and three times that number wounded. I have the melancholy satisfaction of assuring your Majesty that I did all in my power to avert the calamity; but the men were shot down at their guns; and, I am sorry to add, had to be pricked up to them by the swords of their officers. I may, however, congratulate your Majesty on the blunder committed by the enemy in sparing the commercial mole and the city, which latter was occupied by soldiers, the inhabitants having all fled. "Osten-Sackbn."
The Second is Diplomatic.
" Sire — The allied fleets of France and England have bombarded this city and its defences, on the groundless pretence of our having fired on one of their boats carrying a flag of truce. Thanks to the valour of your Majesty's gallant troops, whose loss has been small, the invaders were repelled after inflicting some trifling injury on the imperial works, and a fortunately inconsiderable amount of wanton damage on our peaceful city. Nothing could equal the courage of the brave soldiers, except the fortitude of the faithful citizens. These during the bombardment thronged the churches, imploring protection for themselves and pardon for their enemies, who, schooled by the chastisement which they have received, will, it may be hopeJ, hesitate in future to attempt tbe crime of spreading devastation and slaughter amid the pacific dwellings of commerce.
"Osien-Sacken." The Third is intended for Home Circulation.
"Sire— Again by the favour of St. Nicholas and the blessings of St. Alexander Neweki, a glorious victory has crowned your Majeoty'a arms. The combined French and English fleets, men-of-war and steamers, numbering 1,000 sail, have bombarded Odessa for 43 hours, providentially with no effect but the displacement of a few stones of the fortifications, and the demolition of a house which belonged to a Jew, ami of a Latin church. Our loss amounts to two men killed and five wounded. Seven, hundred of the enemy's bhips have been sunk, anil two hundred set on fire and blown up. This glorious result is to be attributed to the heroism of your gallant soldiers, inspired and aided by SS. Nicholas and Alexander. While the priests of the orthodox Church in her sacred temples, surrounded by adoring multitudes, amid showers of 6hot, shells, and rockets, were chanting the praises, and invoking the help of the patrons of holy Russia, behold a miracle! Those two celestial champions descended from the clouds, and while one of them stopped the balls of the enemy, the other helped the men to point their guns. Under these circumstances I have directed a Te Deum to be sung in all our churches. " Osen-Sacken." Thii9, in Russian cookery, the dishes served to the Emperor are plain ; those dressed for ambas* sadors and diplomatic agents are more spicy; and the richest and most highly seasoned are composed for the common people. Simple viands are esteemed a luxury, and nobody but the Czar tastes truih an nalurel.
An Electrical Wag. — Joking is so epidemic in America, that even the telegraph lias caught the infection. A citizen, anxious to know how the Nebraska Bill was going on, inquired by tele* graph. The answer was, that " the railway cars had run off the Zane»ville bridge." He requested more particulars. The wires replied — "The cars ran on at one end of the bridge, and off at the other !"
A jury, not being able to arrive at a verdict, were recently locked up at Derby for the night. They immediately commenced playing leap-frog, to the annoyance of the court, while they managed to pass away the night in sundry diversions. Between ten and eleven o'clock they broke out in full chorus, with " We won't go home till morning." The wive 3of some of the parties came to the hall, one with fried soles, another with hot beef-steaks, and so on, hut of course they were ordered to take the refreshment home again by the officer in at* tendance. At break of day the jury consoled themselves by singing "Cheer, boys, cheer;" and as the hours wore on, and the time of their deliverance approached, they Bang " There's a good time coming, boys; only wait a little longer." At nine a clock they were discharged by the Recorder, who expressed his pleasure at seeing them all alive.
Madness. — Some statistics recently collected, show that among men, those that are married are most liable to insanity; among women, those that are single. Can there long remain a doubt as to which of the sexes ia the comforter, and which the plague of life ?
Boys! keep your Grammar up. — A little fellow said one day to his schoolmaster, " Please, sir, may I go out ? " No," was the laconic reply. A few minutes' pause followed. " May Igo out?" again inquired the boy. " No," was again the response. The boy slowly rose from his seat, took up his csp, and pushed for the door. " Stop^" said the tutor, "do you know what no means?" — " Yes," said Charley, " a particle of negation, and two of thsrn coming together are equivalent to an affirmative !" His wit was his passport.
A Chaptee on Kissing. — A north country editor, who confesses, by implication, to large ocular experience of a time-honoured custom, for which the present fashion of ladies' bonnets offers tempting facilities, siuns up the fruits of his practice in this wise : — Hardly any two females kis3 afike. There is a 9 much variety in the manner of doing it, as in the faces and manners of the sex. Some delicate little creatures merely give a slight brush of the lip. This is a sad aggravation. We seem to be about to " have a good one," but actually get nothing. Others go into it like a hungry man to a beef-steak, and seem to chew up oar countenances. This is disgusting, and soon drives away a delicate lover. Others struggle like hens when burying themselves with dry dirt. The kiss is won by great exertions, and is not worth as much as the trouble it costs. Now, we are in favour of a certain shyness when a kiss is proposed, but it should not be continued too long ; and, when the fair one "gives in," let her administer it with warmth and energy. Let there bo soul with it. If she close her eye 3 and sigh deeply immediately after, the effect i 3 greater. She should be caraful not to " slobber" a kiss, but give it as a humming bird runs his bill into a honey-suckle, deep, but delicately. There is much, virtue in a kiss when well delivered. AYe have the memory of one we received in our youth, which hag lasted us forty year 3; and we believe it will be the last tiling we shall think of when we die.
Permanent link to this item
Hononga pūmau ki tēnei tūemi
https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/NENZC18551201.2.20
Bibliographic details
Ngā taipitopito pukapuka
Nelson Examiner and New Zealand Chronicle, Volume XIV, 1 December 1855, Page 4
Word count
Tapeke kupu
1,300RUSSIAN COOKERY. Nelson Examiner and New Zealand Chronicle, Volume XIV, 1 December 1855, Page 4
Using this item
Te whakamahi i tēnei tūemi
No known copyright (New Zealand)
To the best of the National Library of New Zealand’s knowledge, under New Zealand law, there is no copyright in this item in New Zealand.
You can copy this item, share it, and post it on a blog or website. It can be modified, remixed and built upon. It can be used commercially. If reproducing this item, it is helpful to include the source.
For further information please refer to the Copyright guide.