MARK TWAIN'S LATEST.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XV, Issue 160, 6 July 1880, Page 4

MARK TWAIN'S LATEST.

Mark Twain's latest production is a letter .giving his opinion of private secretaries, in which he sits down .rather: .bard upon r Mr Kirby, private to Poßtmaster-Generai Key. The letter has caused 'a great dccl of amusement among Mr Kirby's associates in the post office, and that gentleman very much torn up in consequence, . and .probably will not be anxious to tackle the subject again, at least no* for some time. Some days ago Mr Kirjby took occasion to write a letter to i Mr Clemens (Mark Twain) in whioh , he , had tbe temerity , to criticise some comments made by that gentlemen upon , a^eeeat, order of the ppst-pffioe depart--4 rnentj saying that .", it was to meet just such hardened cases as yours; and I also sßhdyou a copy of the postal laws,, and hope you will take the trouble. to • • loot into- the matter thoroughly." , It 86608810' the letter received in reply that -Mr., .Clemens did look into the matter thoroughly, and Mr Kirby thinks how that he made too searching a study of it. Among;other . things in his letter Mr Clemens Bays :—•' My callow friend, when you shall have outgrown the effervescence of youth, and acquired a bit of. wordly experience, you will cease to make, mistakes like that. This is, you will reqognise, the simple wisdom of minding your own business. You seem to think you have been called to account. This is a great r error. It is the post-office department of the United States that has been' called to account. There is a difference here wbicb you seem to have' overlooked. I will pnint it out. You are not the postoffice department, but only an expensive and unnecessary appendage to it. Grave, elderly, public instructors like me do, not call private secretaries to account. The mistake you have made is simple; you imagined yourself the. dogj whereas you are only the tail You endeavored to wag the dog. This was injudicious, You should have hung quiescent until the dog wagged you. You seem to have gathered the impression, somehow, tbat you are a member of the (jabinef. This is an error. Your chief is one of the guns of that battery ; you are not. You are ... not a gun, nor a load, nor even a ramrod; neither . do you supply: ammunition; you only serve as a stick to fire it c off. You are not a barrel of molasses, but only tbe faucet through which- the- molasses is discharged. You are not a boot but a boot-jaok. Do you perceive? The thing I am trying to convey r to you is that it does not become you to assume functions that do not belong to you. The newspaper, slip which you enclosed me I will return by one of my private secretaries. I, keep eleven of r these things, not for <us§ but for : display:, ;

The following story related by the Adelaide Observer has the merit of being true : — A retired ventriloquist is now the landlord of a well-known hotel in Adelaide, and among other pets owns a beautiful parrot. The other day a son of the Emerald •., Isle walked into the bar and stood underneath the. bird-cage admiring the feathered beauty's plumage and apostrophising v the bird in tones of eh dearment. " Good morning, Mickey Ryan," was the astounding salutation which greeted his ear, and undoubtedly coming from the bird-cage. '* Faith, and you know (me then ? " said Mick. "Ay coorse, : ye spalpeen ; who is it in this town who doesn't know a marauding thief loike Mickey Ryan?" was < .the response. '• Ye blathering curse, if I can undo the cage I'll screw yer wicked neck for _yez, ye baste. Saints in glory ! Ife called me a marauding thief." "Go home to your wife, yer blaygard," says: the bird. " The divil mend your .manners. Is it talking to a dacent man; ye are after that way, ye imp of satan>?" queried Mick in a pasßion. " Lave off the liquor," shrieked the bird, "and there's a chance for ye yet, Mickey Byan." A long and passionate colloquy followed, in which Mickey found that his command of invectives was as nothing compared to the vituperate: powers of the bird, and in a rage he rushed off to the landlord, who was! in an adjacent room, and desired that the bird's neck might be " screwed " immediately. It is needless to say that this peremptory request was not complied with, and upon. Mickey learning that he had been made to afford amusement to a number of people who had been witnesses of the scene, he vowed eternal revenge upon all connected with a baste of a " talking parrot.'' The Will of the People is the. title of the organ of (he Nihilists in Russia. It appears in the moßt extraordinary way, in unexpected corners, and wheu least looked for. They say it is constantly to be found ou the toilet table of the Emperor, and under the pillows of the statesmen and generals. The manner in which this curious organ is printed is described at length by the St. Petersburg, correspondent of the Manchester." Guardian.'' The office is. a gloomy miserable room on tho top of a house in a poor locality. On the door is an announcement. of some fictitious trade. The room ia occupied by a poor wretch, formerly a student ; it is wretohedly furnished. The bed occupies pretty nearly the entire room. Everything is mean and squalid. The owner of the apartment is editor, compositor, reporter, printer, and publisher. Under the mattress of the miserable bed the type is hidden. Thence, when occasion offers, it is transferred to tlie multitudinous pockets of his great-coat. He goes out into, the, streets .with a diminutive notebook, hangs about pub-

lic buildings, glares at people in .authority, whom he would kill if a glance could murder, writes his " leaders r io a secluded corner of a park, and rolls each page into a pill, to be swallowed I on the approach of a policeman, jAs soon as the work is finished he steals home, locks and barricades : tbo door, geiß ou t .his type: aniLsets up the paper, whioh be afterwards prints in a primitive manner,' and distributes through the streets and in cafes, and by all other [ means , known only to conspirators. This aeoount of the difficult, dangerous, and painful duty which this poor, patient, scribe, performs,, under the I direction of an inexorable ocommitjtee, from whom he. receives little help, may. Or may not f - b,e : ; ir. accordance with jthe truth ; but thp.e remains the undenia- ;- ble fact, tbaaj under/, th.e.wgr/y. noae:of jthe terrible Third Seolion, despite ]the vigilance of the police, a shee^ is printed, published, and circulated, and no man' can put hia hand' upon tljose who thus contribute to the literature of revolution. ;