MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XV, Issue 51, 28 February 1880, Page 1

MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.

At the banquet given to General Grant in Chicago by the Army of Tenoesse., Mark Twain was called upon to respond to the toast of " Tha Babies: as tbey comfort ua in our sorrow, let us nofc forget them in our festivities." Mr Clemens said " I like that. We have not all had tbe good fortune to be ladies. We havo not been generals, or poets, or statesmen, but when the toast works down to babies we stand on common ground (laughter), for we all bave beea babies. (Renewed laughter.) It is a shame thnt for a thousand years the world*. banquets have utterly ignored the baby, as if he didn't amount to anything. (Laughter) If you willstop and think a minute — fi you go biack fifty or one hundred years to your early married life (laughter,) and contemplate your first baby — you will remember that he amounted to a great deal and something over. ' Your soldiers all know that when that little fellow arrived at family head quarters you had to hand in your resignation. (Laughter). He took entire command. You became a lackey —•his mere body-servant, and you had to stand: around too. (Renewed ; laughter.) He was not a commander who made allowances for time, distance, weather, or anything else. You had to execute his orders whether it was possible or not. (Laughter.) And there was only one form of maobinery for bis manual of tactics, and that was the double quick. He treated you ■ L with every sort of insolence iand dis- \ respect (laughter), and the brsive at of

you did not dare, to lay a word. You could face the death storm of Donaldson and Vicksburg,and give back blow for blow, but when he clawed your whiskers and pulled your hair, and twisted your nose, you had to take it. (Rorirs). When the thunders of war were sounding in your ears you set your faces towards the batteries and advanced with Bteady tread, but when he turned oo the terrors of the wairwhoop (laughter), you advanced in the other direction, and mighty glad to get the chance toe. (Renewed laughter.) When he bawled for soothing syrup, did you venture to throw out any * side remark about any service* being unbecoming to an officer * and a gentleman ? (Boisterous laughi ter.) No ; — yoa got up and i?ot it. I Wh«n he ordered the pap-bot'li aud , it was not warm, did you talk back ? : (Laughter.) Not you. You want to. : ! work aod warmed it. You even i descended so far in menial office as to take a Buck at tbat warm insipid stuff (laughter), just to see if it were right, tbree parts water to one of milk a touch, : of sugar to modify the colic, and a drop of peppermint lo kill those immortal , hiccoughs. (Roars) I can taste that stuff. And how many things you ! learned as you went along ! Sentimental I young folks still take stock in the i beautiful old saying that when the I baby smiles it is because the angels are whispering to him. Very pretty, but too thin— simply wind on , the stomach my friend. If the baby proposed to take a walk at the nsual hour, two o'clock iu the morning (laughter), didn't you rise up promptly and remark with a mental addition that would not , have improved a Sunday-school book (laughter), that was the very thing you were about to propose yourself. . Oh ! you were under good discipline; you not only prattled undignified baby talk, but even tuned up your martial vo : ee and tried to singj "Rock-a-by baby in the tree top," for instance. (Great laughter). What a spectacle for an A'-my of Tennessee. And' what an affliction for the neighbors, toe, for it is not everybody within a mile round that likes military musio at three in the morning. Ona baby can more business than you and. your whole interior Department can attend t). He ia enterprising, irrepressible, brimful of lawless activity. (Laughter.) Do what you please, you can't make him stay on reservation; (Great shouts.) Sufficient unto thg day is one baby. As long as you are in your ri«bt .mind-donlLeverpray for twigs. [Mr. Clemens ia the iatFer" of a~Vj>afrJJ Twins amount to a permanent rioi. And there ain't aoy real diffarence between triplets and an insurrection.