MARK TWAIN AS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XIV, Issue 227, 6 October 1879, Page 4

MARK TWAIN AS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.

This is the way in which Mark Twain once announced bi uself a9 b caadidate for President: — I have pretty much made up my mind to run for President. Wbat the country wants is a candidate who cannot he injured by bis ptst history, so (bat the enemies of tbe party will be unable to rake up anything against bim that nobaly ever heard of before. If you know the worst about •*» candidate to begin wiib, every attempt to bring things upon him will be checkmated. Now lam going to enter into the Gel J with an open record. I am going to open up in advance to all wi kednesa I have done, aod if aoy Congressional Committed is disposed to prowl uround my biography in (he hope of dis. ovt-rin*» any d-uk aod deidly deed thai I have secre. tei — why lei it prowl. Io tlie first place I ndmit that I treed » rheumatic grandfather of mine in tie winter of 1850. He vas old nud iuexpert in climbing ire s, hut with ilie beanies* l-rulality that is c lßraeteristi;. of me, I ran him out of the front door in bis uightahirt at the pjint of a shotgun, and cause 1 bim to b *wl up a maple tree, where be reaoaiaeJ all ni^ht, ,' while I emptied ehot into his 1-gp. I j did thia because b* snore'. I will do it <»sjaiu if I evrr have another (jr__nd-fa'ht-r. I am r.s inhuman hb I was in 1850. I candidly acknowle l^e tha' I ra< away at the battle cl G*utj8 v )<jrg. My friends have lri**d to emooUi ov- r tbis fict by asserting that I .lid eo lor the purpose of imitating Washington, who went inio the wood at Vaiiey Forge ior the purpose of sayiog his prayers. It was a miserable subterfuge. I struck out io a straight line for Tropic Caucer because 1 was ecarj 1. I wanted to have my country euved, but I preOrr** J to have somebo iy eise sava it I nr rtaintbht preftr^Dcey- 1. I; the bu! - >i • teput ition c*n ha obtained only at tie n ou'd moutb, I a:n wiiliug (0 go (he e t i ivi ied the canuou ia empty. II it is ,

loaded, cay immortal and inflexible purpose is to get over the fence aud go home, My invariable practice in war haa been to take out of every fight twothirds more thsn I can t.ke in. This seems to be Napoleonic in ite grandeur. My financial views are of the most decided character, but (hey are oot likely perhaps to increase ray popularily with the advocates of inflation I do not insist upon the special supremacy of rag mon-y or hard money. The great fundamental P'inciple jb to take aoy kind I can get. The rumour that I buried a dead aunt under my grapevine ib quite correc-. The vine needed ferlilirinfr, my aunt wanted to be buried, and I dedicated her to that purpose. Does that fit me for Presidency ? The constitution of our country doeß not say so. No other citizen was ever considered unworthy of this office because he enriched bis grapveine. with bis dead relaiiv.s. Why should Ibe selected as tbe first victim of an absurd prirjudice ? I admit also that lam not a friend oi the poor mun io his present condition, as so much wasted raw material. Cut up and properly tinned he might be maie useiul to fatten tbe natives of the cannibal islands and to improve our export trade with tbat region. I shall recommend legislation upon the subject in my first m saage. My campaign cry will: < « Desiccate tlie poor working man, stuff him into sausages." These are about the worst parts of my record. Oa them I come before the country. Il your couutry won't try me I will go buck again. But I recommend myseK as a safe mun, a min who starts from the basis ot total depravity and proposes to be Geodieh to the las'..'