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Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XIII, Issue 157, 1 July 1878, Page 4

As General Tcherthemoslemsheadoff was leaving for the wars, his sweetheart remarked to him, in tears: " Though I no more behold tuee, yet is thy name a spell." It has been averred that a lady with a diamond ring will scratch her nose, in a given period, four times as often as a woman without a diamond ring. The ladies are all oppoaed to the telephone. They don't care to have a young fellow whispering in their ears with his mouth 20 miles away. The manufacture of corsets, says the Danbury News, has become so perfected, that hugging a girl is about as satisfactory as squeezing a parlour stove. So we have been told. " What 1 objeet to," said a Texas horse thief, as he was about to be drawn up, "is your hanging me here in the sun, when there's plenty of shade close by ; however, go ahead." " What would our wives say, if they knew where we are ?" said the captain of a Yankee schooner, when they were beating about in a thick fog, fearful of going ashore. " Humph ! I shouldn't mind that," replied the mate, "if we only knew where we were ourselves." A country fellow went one night to see hia sweetheart, and for a long time could think of nothing to say. At last, snow beginning to fall heavily, he told her that his father's sheep would be lost. "Well, "said she, kindly taking him; by the hand, "I'll take one ot them." "A horse j Ahorse! My kingdom for a horse 1" cried a celebrated tragedian. " Wouldn't a jackass do as well ?" inquired an affected young man, rising I in his seat. " Yes," triumphantly exclaimed the actor; "just step up this way, sir." The young man sat down. Abernethy very rarely met with his match, but on one occasion he fairly owned that he had. He was sent for to an innkeeper who had a quarrel with his wife, and who had scared his face with her nails, so that the poor maawaa bleeding and much disfigured. Dr Abernethy considered this an opportunity not to be lost for admonishing the offender, and said, 'Madam, are you not ashamed of yourself to treat your husdand thus— the husband who is the head of all—your head, madam, in fact ?' 'Well doctor,' fiercely retorted the virago, 'and may I not scratch my own head ? ' Upon this her friendly adviser, after giving directions for the benefit of the patient, turned upou his heel, and confessed himself beaten for once. j

Daring the laafc civil war in America there were two volunteers lying beneath their blankets, looking up into a Virginia Bky Says Jack , " What made you go into the army Tom ? " Well," replied Tom, " I had no wife and loved war. What made you join, Jack ? " Well " he replied, " I had a wife and loved peace, so I went to war »