A SUB-EDITOR'S EXPERIENCES

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XIII, Issue 18, 21 January 1878, Page 4

A SUB-EDITOR'S EXPERIENCES

"The Loafer in the Street" who supplies some very amusing contributions to the Christchuroh Press- tells the following story, whioh although of course it is ia exaggerated will call forth the sympathies of many an editor and rub-editor, and may not he altogether lost upon thnsa who, for-jet-fal of the frequent- caiU upon the time of a journalist, s^em to regard aa editor's room as a plnca whore they are at liberty to indulge t.heir (gossiping propensities as long as they please:— I was asked the othor day to occupy the sub-editorial chair' for an hour or two, the usual occupant having to be absent for that period. From circumstances which came u tiler my notice as a locum tenens, I have no ambition to be a sub-editor. My instructions were to be civil to every one ; to fill up gome telegrams ; to write a short leader ; to be careful ihe sub-editorial chair didn't capeiza, as ooe fore leg was unreliable j to send the boy to the post at a certain hour, and hit him on the nose for being late when he returned— in fact I bad numeious duties to perform. I started in with confidence. I commenced adjusting up a telegram first. It seemed to me to run thus — "Stated cabinet divided premier Imriiy Cairns favoring war Sections Salisbury Caravan Cuss against. Queen created new order Imperial Crown of India females eligible hemp firm." I was not quite clear how to fix thia off satisfactorily, I could understand that the English Cabinet was divided, and that the Premier, Hardy, and Cairns, were on for fighting, but I never heard of Sections. Couldn't find him ia " Men of the Time" even. Then what had Salisbury to do with a caravan, and why Bhould he or the Caravan cuss against the war ? Or was the Caravan cussing Salisbury, or what ? I said, " This requires consideration. I shall put it away for a while, and dash off a sub-leader," sparkling with epigrammatic solidity, I was in my second sentence, commencing '* It is evident that a system which produces such resalts must be highly detrimental, and when we look at the subject in all its bearings, we cannot but feel surprised at — " I was just thicking why we ought to be surprised, not knowing anything about the system ; and was beginning to get mixed over if, when a man I know came in. He sat down on the table and broke my only pipe ; but he meant well. He came for information 1 . He said he was ia a dilemma. He was subpoenaed to be at the Supreme Court next day at 10 a.m., under a penalty of £25, and he was also subpoenaed to be at the E.M. Court at the same hour. "Herein fail not at your peril," the summons ran, He wanled to know what was the pecuniary extent of the peril indicated iD the latter summons, and which engagement it would pay best to keep. He conversed fluently on this subject for half-an-hour. Then he suid if I wasn't going to ask him to drink, he'd better go and ask somebody who did know something. He came back twice ; once to tell me that the same policeman gave him both summonses; and at the same lime to suggest that I might attend for him at one place, and briog along a cow and calf, who, it appears, constituted a portion of his evidence. Then I commenced again — •• When we look at the subject in all its bearings, &o." I had just got on to a scintillating train of thought when the inhuman aad treacherous scoundrels who have the care of such matters pasead iv a deaf old man on to me who had a complaint to make about the non-delivery of his paper. The conclusion of his peroration wat, as thus:— "You know Colombo-street. Well, take the third turn on the right past Slimmins's place, and then cflt across a quarter-sere section. You'll see on the left — it may be a couple of hundred yards past Slimmins's or thereabout a lean-to standing by itself. Go past that, and you'il see six four-roomed houses ; mine's the middle one." I had just assisted this revolting specimen of humanity to the foot of the staire, and waß commencing again at my leader when a nice-looking man came in and said " My name ia ChaflVras. I arrived in New Zealand by the last mail steamer from America. I represent the firm of Hoopthy Gumpz and Company, the largest, wenlthiett, and most important firm of its kind in the universe ; and, I may a Id, the largest manufacturers of Reapers and Binde:s in the United States of America. I won't encroach two miuutos on your valuable time, but just shoul.i like to describe our machine to you. From ' this model you cm sue tho Imng of (he thing at a glance. You o!>rerve oue man can drive her, and n requires litilo horse-power to propel her. It's ho simple, I expect even yuu can understand that this rnachiue is compoaed of a harvester, ii loogu^ a binder, mw\ a seat. Ibe remarkable pan of this machine is that it oot only cu<B aai bimla the grain, but chucks it into thd farmer's stackyard. Tiitn's the sUekyard yuu can Bee in tha corner there. Is, i.jnj-? saves the labor of six. men. Tina machine, sir, took four oi>ciaU and four diplomas at ihu Graat Uciv-rsil Centennial Exposition at Philadelphia. There is suoh a ruu upon our machine* that I can't execute a jiihe of the orders, and the consequence ia that if your eulighteued aud enterprising farmers don't hurry up, they will have to be content with a second-class article. I don't want to occupy your time aoy longer now, but I've just brought you

a thousand circalars to distribute among your friends. Good afternoon. I'll call again to-morrow." I had just got the pen between my finge r a to stun the public with a continuation of the leading article alluded to above, when an^ other gentleman walked in said, " Allow me te presaul; you with my card. You will observe my ivuny is Ltfferug. I arrive-.! in New Zialund by (he last mail steamer, I represent the firm of J. Gulluzy and Co., the largest and moat important firm in the Reaping anil Biuding rnnohine line in the Universe. It won't t&ka me two minutes lo show you the plan. You may observe that (his machine can be operated by a small boy riding in a aofa chair. You see it'a a Harvester with an Adjustable Reel and a Binder with a Reciprocating Motion. Two small ponies cm draw her anywhere, faster than your narrow gauge railways can travel, and you can believe me, the man who purchases one needs no insurance to provide for his wife and fatnil". This thing is a fortune in itself. We run a newspaper, we do, in connection with our business, and got a. circulation up to one hundred thousand in three mon'hs, without asking for a single subscriber. I'll just give you five hundred of our iapt issue, which you can just distribute amongst the boys. You will fiud it conveys the inelligence that our machine took five medals and five diplomas at the Great Uaiversal Centennial Expositions at Paris and Philadelphia, and without any offance to you you might imitate the s'yle of that journal with advantage. Before I go I should Hk9 to explain this model to you. Observe this iarge drive - wheel, not that it requires much power to driva our machine, but thui's put in by the artist as illustration of the never ending immensity of our business. See how beautifully, and in what perfect unison, these Pinions mash into each other. How tenderly the Elevators handle the grain as it is brought to the Cutters, which are so delicately constructed that they seem too tender of heart to slaughter the grain. Glance at this elegant and ingenious Reel, and gaze on thia wonderful invention, the Binder, which I can assure you seventeen generations of isolated monks spenf cycles of solitary life in iuv nting. Note the simplicity of these few Tuckers, Take-up Springs, Compressor Arms, Twister Pinions, Disconnecting Clutche3, Wire Reels, anl Tension Screws. This i 3 just a bare outline; but I see I'm taking up your time, but I'll call in and spend a few hours with you to-morrow and explain the machine in the detail. Good day." I thought for a few minutes whafi a nioe throw-in our subeditor will have to-morrow, and was just hesitating whether I should devote my giant energies to the completion of the leader or the solution of the tel?grarjj, when another walked in, and he said! — " Excuse me trespassing on your time, hut my mime is Staffers. I represent the firm of Golfopples and Co., ihe largest, wealthiest, and most important machinery firm in all creation. Wa devote our energies solely to the Reapers and Binders. We won six medals find diplomas at the English, French, Vienna, and Philadelphia Expositions. You will see by this model that our machine is simplicity itself. I would call your attention to the exquisite workmanship plainly visible in theso Tosser Springs, Biuder Arms, Adjusting Crunks, Prop lliog Cbaius, Soggears, Buffers, Pawls, and Racbete. I assure you any child can work thia machine with a goat team. It will cut the grain and stand each sheaf on its butt. Thiß thing is a potent. Look the action of the Swinging Binders, Arm-Propelling and Double-Back action ; observe the Twister tying o Gordian Knot in each sheaf as it passes out. And now you've got my machine straight. You can't get away from the simplicity of it, and there is no use my taking up your timo just now. I will just leave you a few hundred Illustrated Pamphlets just to give your friends an idea of what we oau do, and a coadjutor of mioe, Mr Eiiiurossle, will give you a call the day after to-morrow in case there may le some point in the machinery that you have not mastered, I'll wish you good day, ' Perspiring at every jue, I wkb endeavoring to pull myself together for the bussines prroper, when the boy came up end said that there was a gentleman down below who wished to see ma in connection with a New Reaping and Binding Machine. I said, " Teil him the Hfe-ary staff of this office have gone to Kaiapoi for a month ; or aoyhow, till this impending trial of Renpers and Binders is over. Aek him to sea the Manager, tha Machinist, ihe Devil if iia likes," an 1 I sneoked out at the side door. As far the article and (ha teltj>nun, they, !ika " IV unfinished window in Aladdin's lower, Unfinishnd mwn remain."