Fun.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XII, Issue 30, 3 February 1877, Page 2

Fun.

Why do the birds feel depressed early in a summer morning? — Because their little bills are all over dew. Never, perhaps, are children dearer to their parents than when, as at present, the price^of meat is excessive. On a child being told that he must be Broken of a bad habit, he naively replied, " Papa, hadn't 1 better be mended?" " What object do you now see ?" asked the doctor. The young man hesitated for a few moments, and then replied, "It appears like a jackass, doctor, but I think it is your shadow." A Mother, trying to get her little daughter of three 3 T ears to sleep one night, said, " Anna, why don't you try to go to sleep?" — "I am trying," she replied.^ — " But you havn't shut your eyes." — "Well, can't help it ; urns comes uubottoned." An old toper, on being taken to task by some of his fellow citizens for hia opposition to a temperance movement in the village of his residence, retorted that their accusations were unjust, for h« had made greater personal efforts to put down liquor than any of them. " Some things," aaid an excited politician, "can be foreseen and foretold ; and I now foresee, and I will now foretell, that the day will soon come when our liberties will be no more. This is as certain, my felloW-citizens, and it is aa sure, as that Romeo founded Rome. TnH proprietor of a building site in Wisconsin advertises Ids land for sale in this wise : — " The town of Poggis, and surrounding country, is the most beautiful which nature ever made. The scenery is celestial — divine ; also two waggons to sell, and a yoke of steers." " Angeline, be mine at once, and profit by my heart's devotion." — '' Oh, Agustus, I cannot leave my widowed mother. No husband can make up for a mother's kindness." — "Can't, hey?" sneered Agustus. " You just marry me, and we'll all live together, and then if I don't beat your mother !" An Explanation. — Some person whom Quin had offended, met him one day in the street, and stopped him.— "Mr. Quin," said he, " I understand that you have taken away my name." — "What have I aaid, sir?" " You called me a scoundrel, sir." — "Oh ! then keep j r our name, sir, said Quin, and walked on. All There. — A clergyman of New York, who had been accused of preaching a sermon that was not his, own, went to a parishioner who had made the charge, anil asked him to retract it. " Well," said the parishioner, " I thought, when I heard that sermon, that a part of it was taken from a book I had at home ; but I went home and looked in tha book, and — it was all there. A Frenchman more noted for his conceit and for a certain amount of success with the fair sex than for the cleanliness of his linen, waa posing the other day before a beautiful and witty woman, when he delivered himself of this rather arrogant sentiment : " Women, I change^em as Ido my shirts."—" Ah ' said the fair one, looking attentively at the collar of his shirt, *' I should never have believed you so constant." An Astonished Visitor. — A gentleman, dining witli a friend one day, was struck by the earnestness with which one of his little girls regarded him. He therefore took her upon his knee, and began talking with her. — " Please sir," aaid she presently, " tell me what's in the houso next to yours. I'd like to see it." — "Tell me my little dear why you wish to know." — " Because, sir, I heard mamma say that you were next door to a brute." • " Some meddlesome idiot has put .my spectacles where I can't find them 1" growled an old gentleman aa he was peering among his books and papers for the missing glasses. — " Are you sure it was an idiot grandpa?" asked a little girl who waa standing by hia desk. — " Yes, I'm sure it was an idiot. Why do you doubt my word ?" — " Because your spectacles aro now on your forehead, grandpa." — " Ah ! Humph ! I thought so !" muttered the old man. The Schoolboy's Excuse for Being Late. — " Why so late ?" said a schoolmaster to a little urchin, as he entered the room, on a cold, slippery morning in February. — " Why, sir," replied the boy, " I would take one step forward and alide back two." — " Indeed !" said tlie teacher ; " then how did you get here at all, if that was the case?"— "Oh," said dhe boy, scratching his head, on finding himself caught, " I turned round and walked the other way." The Sulky and the Sociable. — A gentleman and his wife were reduced from a life of splendour and luxury, by unavoidable misfortunes, to a more moderate way of living. The husband had been sine, their misfortunes extremely morose and gloomy, and it waa a lively reply of his wife that caused a chance. " Wife," said! he, one morning, " my affaira are embarrassed, and it is neeeaaary I should curtail my expenses. I should like to have your opinion as to the reduction." — "My dear husband," said she, " I shall be perfectly happy if you get rid of the sulk? and let us retain the sociable." Not at Home. — A sheriff's officer was ; once asked to execute a writ against •lasj.-.-.. Quaker. On arriving at his house ho saw the Quaker's wife, , who, in reply to the inquiry whether her husband was at home, said he was, at the same tin.© requested. him to be seated, and her husband would* speedily see , Mm. The officer l waited patiently for sonic time,- when the I fair Quakeress coming into the room- he: __-.. minded her of her 'promise that ha 1 _tiig_ifcL7