Humour.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XII, Issue 12, 13 January 1877, Page 2

Humour.

■♦ ' A MEAN ADVANTAGE. 3 [WASHINGTON CHRONICLE.] _ There were a score -or more of women > gathered together at Mr- Johnson's house. r Mr. Johnson is a good-hearted man, but is ; rather sceptical about some things. The ) women had just organised " The Foreign _ Benevolent Society," when Mr. Johnson i entered the room. He was at once ap- ; pealed to to donate a few dollars, as a ' foundation to woik on, and Mrs. Graham • added : . , , , > 'It would be so pleasant in after years ' ior you to remember that you gave thit i society its first dollar and its first kind ; word." He slowly opened his wallet, drew out a ten- dollar bill, and as the ladies smacked : their lips and clapped their hands, he asked : "Is this society organised to aid the poor of ioreign countries?" " Yes, yes, yes !" they all chorused. " And it wants money ?" "Yes— yes 1" •" Well, now," said Johnson, as he folded the bill in a tempting shape, " there are twenty married women here. If there are fifteen of you who can make oath that you have combed your children's hair this morning, washed the dishes, blacked the cook-Ntove, and made the beds, I'll donate this ten dollars." " I have," answered two of the crowd, and the rest said : " Why, now, Mr. Johnson !" " If fifteen of you can make oath that your husbands are not wearing socks with holes in the heels, this money is yours," continued the wretch. " Just hear him !" they exclaimed, each one looking at the other. 'If ten of you have boys without holes in the knees of their pants," this 'X' goes to the society," said Johnson. " Such a man," they whispered. " If there are five pairs of stockings in this room that don't need darning I'll hand over the money !" he went on. " Mr. Johnson." said Mrs. Graham, with great dignity, ■' tb« rules of this society declare that no money shall be contributed except by members; and as you are not a member, I beg that you will withdraw, and let us proceed with the routine business." A. WATCH-DOG. Our reporter was looking up an item, when he chanced to meet Jones, who was just entering his front gate. Jones asked him in, and the conversation turned upon the subject of the tramp nuisance, and presently Jones related his experience with a tramp as follows : — One day, recently, a rough-looking vagabond called at my house, accompanied by a forlorn, mongrel dog. I came out upon the porch to see him, and he said : " I say, pardner, I understand that you wanted to buy a dog, and I brought one around for you. You never see such a dog for watching as this one. You tell that dog to watch a thing, and bet your life he'll sit down and watch it until he goes stone blind. Now, I'll tell jou what, I'll let you have " I cut his remarks short at this point with the information that I didn't want a. dog ; nothing on earth would induce me to accept that particular dog. So he left and went down the street. He must haye made a mistake, and came in again through the back gate thinking it was another place, for in a fow minutes the cook said there was a man in the kitchen who wanted to see me, and when I went down there was , the same man with the same dog. He ! didn't recognise me, and as soon as I en- '. tered he remarked : j "I say, old pard, somebody was saying , that you wanted to buy a watch-dog. . Now, here's a watch-dog that would rather j watch than eat at any time. Give that , dog something to fasten his eyes on — don't ' care what it is. anything from a plug hat j to a shating rink — and there ho stays like j it was chained with a trace-chain. Now, T'll tell yon what I'M do with " I suddenly informed him, in a peremp- | tory tone, that nothing would induce me , to purchase .*. dog at that moment, and , then I walked out and shot the door. \ When he was gone, I went across to see , Butterwick about top-dressing my grass- , plot. He was out, and I sat down on the porch chair to wait for him. A second , later the proprietor of the dog came sdiuffling through the gate with the dog at his heels. When he reached the porch he said, not recognising me, " I say, pardner, the ; man across the street there told me you

this dog fixes that eye on anything it remains. There it stays! Earthquakes, or files, or torchlight processions, or bones; or nothing kin induce him to move. Therefore, what L way is tliat I offer you this dog for " * ""•-• Then I got up in silence, and walked-de-liberately out into the street, and left the man standing there. As I reached tbe sidewalk I -saw Butterwick going into Colonel Dunks' law ; office, just below my house. I went over after him, while the •man with the dog went, in the opposite direction. Butterwick was in the back office, and as the front room was empty, I sat down in a chair until he got through •with Dunks and came out. In a few minutes there was a rap at the door. I said : " Come in." The door slowly opened, and a dog crept in. Then the man appeared. He didn't seem to know mc. He said : " I say, old pardy, I dunrio your right name. I'm trying to sell a gorgeous watchdog—that one there— and I thought maybe you might be hungry to get. a valuable animal who kin watch the head off any other dog iv this county, so I, concluded to call and throw him away at the ridiculous Bum of " " I wouldn't have him at any price." :< What 1 don't want him ? * Don't want a dog with au eye like a two-inch auger, that'll sit and watch a thing for forty years if you tell him to! Don't want a dog like that ?" "Certainly I don't." " Well, this is singular. There don't appear to be a demand for watch-dogs in this place, does there . You're the fourth man I've tackled about him. Ycu really don't want him ?" ' Of course not." " Don't want any kind of a dog— not even a litter of good pups or a poodle ?" "No, sir." ..'•■■ " Well, maybe you could lend me five dollars on that dog. I'll pay you back tomorrow." " Can't do it." " Will you take him as a gift and give me a chaw of terback'er ?" " I don't chew." " Very strange," he muttered, thoughtfully. " There's no encouragement for a man in this world. Sure you won't take him V" j . " Yes, certain." "Then, j^ou miserable whelp, get out of I here, or I'll kick the breath out of you. I Come, now, git !" And he gave the dog a kick that sent j him into the middle of the street, and then withdrew himself. I The trade in dogs is certainly not active ir Boxborough. HOW A NEGRO INDUCED HIS EMPLOYER TO RAISE HIS WAGES. Jim had been w orking in the country, and, on coining to town, was regabng his friends with his experience on the corner : " You know de man what I went to work wid ? Well, you see he told me would do better by me dan any of his neighbors was doin by der bans ; he would give me third of decrap, and I tine myself Well you see I went to church and gitssquainted wid cle neighbors bans. Dare Mr. Washington, he i.s working on young Billy Smith's place, and he's gettin' de fourth, and fine hisself ; and dars Mr. Linkum, he's workin' on old man Jones' place, and is gittin' de fifth, and is found bersides. Well, yer see, when I gits home, and was aworkin' in the crap, I get a studyin', and de more I studied de more I come to de conclusion dat de third wasn't gwinetodo me. So I goes to de boss, and says I — l says : ' You told me 3'ou was agwine to do better by me dan any de neighbors was by dere bans.' He says he's been talkin' to 'em, and dat he was, and I says dat I'se been bavin' some constination with de neighbors myself. Dat Smith's bans was gittin' de fourth, and Jones's bans was gittin' de fifth and found, and I wasn't gwine to stand no third. So he says he would rehingc de old one and make a new contrak, and avc bot come to town 'fore.Squire Robinson and made it ; here's de paper now and dats de way I screwed him up to de fourth, r tell you what's de fact, boys, you can't trust none of dem white folks." And Jim mounted his mule and rode off. — Jackkox (Miss.) Pilot. .... r.. --- .-. ■ -— . --~,