Fun.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XII, Issue 12, 13 January 1877, Page 2

Fun.

Thk man who is " not expected to live;" Says that "he can't help that; but as to dying merely to oblige the expectants or maintain their reputation as prophets, he can't do. any such thing _ T! A. A~lady living near .New York. has -a piece of soap supposed to be a hundred years old. Isn't it astonishing libw long some people can keep soap in the house, and never feel the slightest temptation to use it. A joke ■ at the expense of those ladies who are perpetually striving to gain a hearing in the press has been going the routld of literary circleß, to the effect " that they look much better -in muslin than in print." T . '- ' - '■•-" A young shaver had had several teeth extracted with the assurance tha^ they would come again. With an eye to the immediate future, little Johnnie inquired, " Will they come again before we' have dinner?" , " How are ye, Smith ?" says Jones. Smijh pretended not to. know/him, arid answered hesitatingly, " Sir, yoii have the advantage of me."—" Yes, I suppose M Eyerybody has that's got common sense.'' The authorities of a prison in Canada advertise 'as follows :— " Wanted, a respectable man td act as turnkey in a county prison. One who understands musip, can play the organ, and sing bass, would be preferred!" "*■■'- An exasperated Yankee politician; who had been called upon to define his position once more than his patience could endure, 1 exclaimed, " define my position ? Never I If I define it, the next thing I'll be called upon to SPELL it." Cause and Effect.— A little boy of twelve, dining at his uncle's, made such a good dinner that his aunt observed,' " Johnnie, you appear to eat well." — "Yes; aunty," replied the urchin : " I've been practising eating all my life." "Mrs. Henry,-" said John to his wife the other morning, "if you give me a Christmas present this year, please arrange it so that the bill won't come in till the next month. It's just as well to keep up the illusion fora short time." An elderly maiden who had suffered some disappointment, thus defines the human race : " Man a conglomerate mass of hair, tobacco smoke, confusion, conceit; and boots. Woman, the waiter, perforce, on the aforesaid animal. " Gin a body kiss a body, need a body cry ?" quoted the Yankee young man from the city to a- rural maiden. — "Wall, you needn't kiss me if yer a ginny body," was her sole remark ; " I" don't want any young man whose breath smells." *" The owner of a pair of bright eyes assures us that the prettiest compliment she ever received came from a child of four years. The little fellow, after looking at her for a few moments, inquired; " Are your eyes new ones ?" ! A Gentleman questioning a little boy, said, " When your father and mother fforf r sake you, Johnny, do you know who will take you up?"— " Yes sir," said heM • "And who?" asked the friend;— " The police," was Johnny's reply. A story is told of an Irishman who' bound over to keep the peace with' Her Majesty's subjects, exclaimed, "Then Heaven help tlie first foreigner I meet l" "You see," said aaid uncle Job, "my wife's a cur'ous woman. She scrimped find saved, and almost starved all of. ur to get our parlour furnished nice, anti now she won't let one -of us go into jif,^ Rnd hain't even had the window-blind^ of it open for a month. She is a cur'ouii woman. !"".•'-•*"•-?. - ".•'-•*"•-?. 7: "Uncle John, did you know that Mr. ' Jones had made an assignment 5 for the . benefit of his creditors.?"— "HumtiEF said Uucle John, "that's the way they^ ways put it, s assignment for benefit'Tof: T creditors !' But .who ever knew ckebitobst : Z to get any BENEFiT.of an,a-Sf^h\_n^-S : ,V^ The man v/ho answered aa .^yerfiff- : ment to tlie following effect had. -__.;curi-7 _!- osity .satisfied*: T^Hf. ybu . v. ould^cte^^T ? 7 faffkft.k fin-ma iH»nir^l^