Humour.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XI, Issue 262, 2 December 1876, Page 2

Humour.

THE MAP FIEND. He was a short, stumpy, dark-complexioned Dutchman. He Avas cross-eyed and Avore spectacles. He carried a map under his arm, and he sauntered into Pitkins' " sanctum sanctorum" as unconcernedly as you please. Pitkins Avas busily engaged scanning his " profit and loss account," and did not notice the intrusion until the Dutchman said " Goot mornin." " Good mornin'," replied Pitkins Avithout looking up from his ledger. " Vine day." "Yes," gruffly responded Mr. Pitkins, his eyes still intently fixed upon his book. " Vas you der man vat sade you wanded to buy a mab?" an enquiry Avhich caused Mr. Pitkins to look up, and Avith the air of a man Avho Avantedto be let alone say — " No, I Avas not." " Oh yes, id must be you ; he got a red nose shust like you." " What do you mean, sir, by calling my nose red V" angrily demanded Mr. Pitkins. " Oh, dond god made. I only dought may be you forgod about it." " Well, I don't want to buy a map, and so go out of my office." " Shtop a minid, blease ; it vas a man loog ehust like you, und he told me to gome in Tuestay und he would buy a mab." " Well, I'm not the man ; so go about your btißiness-"

"Von] minid, led me show you der mabId vas the beed mab vat vas eferhrinded ; ids god all der shtadee und all of der eid"*- — "1 tell you I don't Avant your map! Will you leave my off" " Sh, mine friend ; dond god oxsided mit yourself; 1 will go oud if you Avand me du, but dis vas a bully mab, id's god all of der shtades unci all of der cidys, und id vas brinded in sefen dif 'rend golors, und I sell him for oue dollar unn sefentyfiA*e cen" . • - " 1 Avouldn't give you fifty cents, for the map. I tell you 1 don't wan"— — " Vait till you hear de advantages of dis mab ; id's god a red shring to hang him up by, and he Avas brinded in sefen dif 'rent golors,mid he cobd me tAvo dollars. I gave him to you for a dollar un a gowerter an " How many times do you want me to tell you that 1 don't Avant your ma"- " Loog, you hang him ub dis vay, and yen you Avand a ehtade here you vas, und if you wand a eidy you dum him ofer dis vay and here you god him, se? Und I give der mab aA-ay ior one dollar, und I go off der beeznes. Id vas no use dryin' du ged a liv". " No sir, Avouldn't have your map if you Ava. to givo it to me. I Avant 4 you to" "Vy dond you loog at him vonsd ? He vas a bully mab, und 1 only got one leftd, und I chuck him do you for sefenty-five cen" " Look here ! if you Avore going to be hung, and I could saA-e your life by giving you seventy-five cents for that map, I Avouldn't do it. I'd see your neck stretched first" " Dake him along for fifty den, and I go out vesd, it Avas hard Avork to ged alon"— — " Here ! if you'll promise to leave my offiee, and never come into it again, I'll give you tAventy-five cents for yom* map, an"" " Dake id ; id vas der lasd von I haf , und I give ub der beesness." " Here's your quarter ; lay the map doAvn there and get out lively, and if you ever ehoAv your face in my oflice again, I'll ehoot you," and a look of desperation appeared on Mr. Pitkins' face. Tho Dutchman laid the map doAvn, took the quarter, said " Goot day I" (to which there a\ as no response), and sloAvly shuffled out, walked downstairs and stood for a m.inent, seemingly lost in thought, Avhen suddenly his eyes flashed, and calling a boy that Avas standing on the street he took him by the arm, and pointing to Pitkins' sign on the directory-board, he said : " Dero vash anodcr man I shtuck," and h*^ Avent into a beer saloon on the corner i " liquidate." — " Danbury Ncavs." THE CASE WAS POSTPONED.j A tattered memorandum book was recently found on the steps of a very humble dAvelling out West. Some of the entries are as follows : "My father had a slight misunderstanding with a neighbor about a division fence Avhich he had inherited from my grandfather. After several disputes he consulted a laAvyer, who had a good many children, but little practice. This Avas fatal. A suitAvas commenced, "Several years ago my laAvyer said I must get ready for trial. I did so, and went to court at every temi. But it Avas postponed on overy pretence which human ingenuity could invent. " 1871. March term — Counsel for defendant moved a continuance, because he was engaged in the Court of Common Pleas. Court granted the motion, but intimated with great dignity, that such an excuse would never avail him again. " September term — Counsel trying a case in an adjoining county. Judge hesitated, but yielded. " December term — Defendant ill. Proved by the certificate of a respectable physician. " 1872. March term — Counsel had made an engagement to meet a client from Ncav York, who could not conveniently leave his business again. Continued, the Judge suggesting that NeAY York clients might find counsel nearer home. " 1873. September term — Carried the title deeds to my lawyer. Surveyor examined the premises, said the defendant had encroached on me. But another surveyor (partner and pupil of the first one) said that my deed spoke of a hackmatack stump in the line of the fence, a foot in diameter ; Avhereas, the only tree near the fence was apepperidge tree, not more than seven inches and a half across ; case postponed to employ other surveyors. " December term — Counsel agreed that Court might visit the premises in dispute. Judge refused to go, but said the jury might do so, provided that nobody Avent with them to explain and confuse. Next morning a heavy snoAv fell, and boundaries were covered. Cat*c continued. " 1874. September term — Motion to postponeonthe ground that the defendant's attorney Avished to be absent, hunting for a few days. Motion prevailed. 1 remonstrated, but my counsel said that laAvyers Avere A'ery accommodating gentlemen, and the courtesies of the .bar required it. " 1875. March term — One of the Jurors taken sick. Motion to go on Avith the trial with eleven jurors. Defendant's counsel objected with great strength of voice, and demanded a full jury trial, pure and simple. I think he called it the ' palladium of our liberties.' Case postponed. " Septemher term — Received a bill for retainers, term fees, clerks' fees, and expenses. One item Avas for the amount of a retainer Avhich my hnvyer had declined from the defendant. Offered him the farm, provided 1 gained the case. He said this Avould not be deemed honorable practice, but he Avould take it, and give me credit as far as it went. "Took the cars for the West, coming mostly on freight trains and aftcrnighti'all. " Mem. — Don't forget inscription for tombstone : Here lies one avlio died of a lawsuit bequeathed by his father." A SUPPOSED CASE. .While Judge Copley was sitting in his office tiie other day, looking over some buy papers, the door opened and a man hobbled in upon crutches. Proceeding to a chair, and making a cushion of some neAvspapers, he sat doAvn very gingerly, placed a bandaged leg upon another chair and said : "Judge, my name is Briggs. I called in, Judge, to get your opinion about a little point of law. Mr. Judge, s'posin' you lived up the pike here half a mile, next door to a men named Johnston. And s'sposin' you antl Johnston was to get into an argument about tlie human intellect, and you said to Johnston that a splendid illustration of the superiority of the human intellect wanto be found in the poAver of the human eye to restrain the ferocity of a wild animal. And s'posin' Johnston Avas to remark that that AA r as all bosh, because nobody could hold a Avild animal Avith the human eye ; and you should declare that you should hold the savagest beast that was ever born if you could once fix your gaze on him. "Well, then, s'posin' Johnston was to say he'd bet a hundred dollars he could

bring a tame animal .that you couldn't hold | with yoar eye, and', you Should take him ! up on it, anu Johnston was to ask you to come down to his place and! settle the het-l You'd go, we'd say, and Jolmston'd Avander round to the back of the house and pretty soon come front again Avith a dog bigger'ii any four decent dogs ought to be. And then s'posin' Jolmston'd let go of that dog and stick him on to you, and he' come at you like a sixteen-inch shell out of a howltzer, and youjd get skerry about it and | •try to hold the dog With your eye antl ! couldn't. And s'posin' you'd suddenly \ concluded that maybe your kind of an eye ! wasn't calculated to hold that kind of a ! dog, and you'd conclude to break for a j plum tree, in order to have a chance to collect your thoughts, and try to reflect j Avhat sort of an eye would be best calculated to mollify that sort of a dog. You ketch my idea, of course ? " Very well, then ; s'posin' you'd take your eye off of that dog.; Johnston, mind you, all the time sicking him on and laughing, and you'd turn and leg it for the tree, and begin to SAvarm up as fast as you could. Well, sir, s'posin' just as you got three feet from the ground, Johnston's dog would grab you by the leg and hold you like a vice, shaking you until you nearly lost your hold. And s'posin r Johnston Avas to stand there and holler, ' Fix your eye on him, Baggs. Why don't you manifest the poAver of the human intellect?' and so on— gassing away with ironical remarks like those ; and s'posin' he kept that dog on that leg until he made you SAvear to pay the bet, and then at last had to pry off the dog with a hot poker, bringing aAvay at the same time half a pound of your meat m the dog's mouth so that you had to be carried home on a stretcher, and hire four doctors to keep you from dying Avith lockjaAV. " S'posin' this, Avhat I want to knoAv is, couldn't you sue Johnston for damages, and make him pay heavily for what that dog did V That's what I Avant to get at." The judge thought for a moment, and then said : "Well, Mr. Briggs, I don't think I could. If I agreed to lot Johnston set the dog at me, 1 should be a party to the transaction, and I could not recover." "Do you moan to say that the laAV Avon't make that infernal scoundral suffer for letting his dog eat me up ?" " I think not, if you state the case properly." " It won't hey ?" exclaimed Mr. Briggs, hysterically. " Oh, very well ! very Avell! It's a beautiful government, this is! Beautiful, ain't it ? I s'pose if that dog had cheAved me all up, and spit me outit'd have been all the same to this constitutional republic. Blame me if I don't have satisfaction. I'll kill Johnston, poison his dog, and emigrate to some country wliere the rights of citizens are protected. If I don't, you may bust me open !" Then Mr. Briggs got on his crutches and hobbled out. He is still a citizen and will vote at the next election.— [Max Adeler.]