Fun.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XI, Issue 262, 2 December 1876, Page 2

Fun.

A conscientious glazier will always take panes to do his Avork. Hints to Housewives. — How to destroy Hies : encourage spiders. " William," said Emiline, "what do you see in those wild, • wild waves ?" — " Sea foam," curtly ansAvered William. Many persons complain that they cannot find Avoids for their thoughts, Avhen the real trouble is that they cannot find thoughts for their words. What a suspicious monster the man must have been Avho first invented a lock ; but what a trusting creature the woman Avho first allowed a latch-key 1 What is the difference between a tradesman Avho uses false weights and a highwayman? — The tradesman lies in Aveight, while the highwayman lies in wait. A lady, leaving home, was thus address* ed by her little boy : — " Mamma, will you remember and buy me a penny whistle, and let it be a religious one, that I can use it on Sunday." An old farmer in Massachusetts shows a scythe with Avhich he says he has " mowed the same medder for gom' on forty-three year, an' I expect to mow with it till I'm no more." A lady once banteringly asked Sheridan why the " 0" was not prefixed to his name. " I do not know, your ladyship," replied the wit ; " for, in truth, no family is better entitled to it, as we owe everybody." Nobody likes to be nobody ; but everybody is pleased to think himself somebody. And everybody is somebody ; but Avhen anybody thinks himself to be somebody, he generally thinks everybody else to be nobody. A flippant young man observed, in the presence of Dr. Parr, that he never believed anything he could not understand. " Then youra must bo the very shortest creed of any man's I know," remarked the doctor. A dealer in musical instruments, in one of his advertisments, declares that his drums, among other articles which he has for sale, " can't be beat." Will he be kind enough to tell us what they are good for, then? A sharp Yankee grocer, Avhen a customer Avho was buying a gallon of treacle observed that a good deal remained in the measure after it was turned, remarked, "There Avas some in the measure before I dreAv your gallon." A young man, who had espoused an old and illtempered Avife, but extremely rich, used to say, " Whene\*er I find my temper giving way, I retire to my study, and consolo myself by reading her marriage settle • ment." A down-east Yankee, seeing an alligator for the first on the Mississippi, with his mouth open, he exclaimed, " Well he ain't Avhat you may oall i__hanauni_critter. Bnt he's got a good deal of opennes-^wireirt--- — smiles. " You charge me fifty sequins," said a Venetian nobleman to a sculptor, " for a bust tliat cost you only ten days labor."—- --" You forget," replied the artist, " that I haA-e been thirty years learning to make that bust in ten days." " My dear Murphy," said an Irishman to his friend, " Avhy did you betray the secret I told you ?" — " Is it betraying you call it ? Sure, Avhen I found I wasn't able to keep it myself, didn't I do well to tell it to somebody that could ?" Hoav came you to fail in your examination ? asked a tutor of one of his pupils ; " I thought I crammed you thoroughly."— " Well you see," replied the student, " the trouble was that you crammed me so tight I couldnt't get it out." As a party of gentlemen and ladies Avere climbing to the top of the Monument one hot day lately, a gentleman remarked, " This is rather a spiral flight of steps." — To AA'hich a lady replied, " Yes perspiral }" and she wiped her brow as she spoke. " I've got a neAV machine," said a Yankee pedlar, " for picking bones out of fishes. Noav I tell you, it's a leetle bit the queerest thing you ever (Ud see. All you have to do is to sot it on the table and turn a crank, aud the fish flies doAvn your throat., and the bones rite under the grate. Well there was a country greenhorn got hold of it the other day, and he turned the crank the Avrong Avay ; and, I tell you, the way the bones fIeAV doAvn his throat Avas awful ! Why, it stuck the felloAv so full of bones that he couldn't get his shirt off for a Avhole Aveek. Novel Economy. — A person at Paris noticed a poor man Avith a wooden leg Avalking past his house, and gave him a franc. The next day he saAV the same beggar ; but he had changed the wooden leg from tlie right to the left. Enraged at the deception, he Avent up to the man and exclaimed, " You rascal, you had the Avooden leg on the other side yesterday I You are not lame at all !' — " Monsieur," AA-as the response Avith dignity, " I never said I Avas. I wear a wooden leg for economy, so as not to Avear'out my trousers ; and I change the leg to prevent one leg of the trousers Avearing out before the other." Will those gentlemen Avho are in the habit of holding their racing- Avatches on running horses, and Avho calculate so nicely Avhat difference a feAv pounds more or less of Aveight will make hi a horse's speed, please tell us if an elephant can make twelve miles in an hour and " carry his trunk," what time could he make by having someone to carry his trunk for him? While talking a feAv days ago about a lady of his acquaintance, a friend of ours remarked that she was so graceful that she walks about the house " like a sylph." An Irish gentleman avlio was present, and who heard the observation, remarked, "And would you have her then crape about like a crab or a cat ? Shure, Avhat could she do but Avalk like hirsilf. TuEfolloAving-s the verdict of a negro jury : We, the undersigned, being a kbroner's jury to sit on de body ob de nigger . Sambo, no av dead and gone afore us, hab. ceen sittin' on de said negro aforesaid, did V on de night ob de furteenth pb Noverabei' r come to def by falling from ide bridge ohef de riber, where we find he was sufee- H quently drowned, and afterwards washed, /C?i on de riber side, whar we spos he froze ta def. - r ":X^>c3