Humour.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XI, Issue 238, 4 November 1876, Page 2

Humour.

THE OBITUARY WIUTEb!. A rather unusual sensation has been excited in the village by the Morning Argus within a day or two ; and while most of the readers of iliac wonderful sheet have liiiis bee)) supplied wiih amusement, tin.' soul of the editor has been filled with gloom and wrath and despair. Colonel Bangs recently determined to engage an assistant to lithe the place made vacant by the retirement of the eminent art-critic, Mr. Murphy, and lie found in one of the lower counties of the Stale a person who appeared to him to be suitable. The name of the new man is Slimmer, lie has often contributed to the Argus verses of a distressing character, and 1 suppose Bangs must have become acquainted with him through the medium of the correspondence thus begun. No one in the world but Bang's would ever have selected such a poet for an editorial position. But Bangs is singular — he is exceptional. He never operates in accordance with any known laws, and he is more likely to do any given thing in such a | fashion as no other person could possibly have adopted for the purpose. /,.s the Argus is also ".sni generis, 1 ' perhaps K-;ngs does right to conduct it in a peculiar manner. But he made a mistake when he employed Mr. Slimmer. The colonel, in his own small way, is ( tolerably shrewd, lie had observed" the ' disposition of persons who have been bereaved oi' their relatives to give exprcs- [ sion to their feelings in verse, and it | occurred to him thai it might hi: profitable to use Slimmer' s poetical talent in such a \i ay as to make the Argus a vi. ry ponuiar vehicle for the conveyance io the public of notices 'of deaths. That kind of intelligence;, he well knew, is especially interesting to a very large <-la;-s of readers, and he believed that if he could offer a gratuitous verse to accompany the obituary paragraph, the Arg-u.-s would not I only attract advertisements of that dej scription from the country round about the village, but it would secure a much larger circulation. , ! When Mr. Slimmer arrived, therefore, ; and entered upon the performance of his | duties, Colonel Bangs explained his theory I to the poet, and suggested thai whenever j a death-notice reached the olliee, he should immediately write a rhyme or two which should express the sentiments most suiti able to the occasion. j ■■ You understand, Mr. Slimmer,"' said '■ the colonel, "that when the: de.ilh of an j individual is announced, I want you, as it | were, to cheer the members of liie alilieied | family with (he resources of your noble art. I wish you to throw yourself, you may say, into their situation," and to give i them, r'r instance, a few lines about the i deceased which will seem Io be the cxj pressiou of the emotion which agitates the i breasts of the bereaved." ; "To ' lighten the gloom in a certain | sense," said Mr. Slimmer, " and to — " I " .Precisely," exclaimed Colonel Bangs. | " Lighten the gloom. Do not mourn over I the departed, but rather take a joyous view of death, which, after all, Mr. Slimmer, is, as it were, but the entrance to a better life. "Therefore, [wish you to touch the heartstrings of the afflicted with a tender hand, and to endeavour, l'r instance, to divert their minds from contemplation of the horrors of the tomb." " Refrain from despondency, I suppose,

and lift their thoughts to — " "Just so ! And at the same time combine elevating sentiment with "such practical information as you can obtain from ! the advertisement. Throw a glamour of poesy, f'r instance, over the commonplace details of the every-day life of the de- . ceased. People* are fond of minute descrip- , tions. Some facts useful for this purpose ; may lie obtained from the man who ; brings the notice to Ihe ollice ; others you . nuiv pcrh.ips be able to supply from your i imagination.'" ; •' I think I can do it iirst-rate," said Mr.' Slimmer. " But, above all," continued the colonel, " try always to take a bright view of the matter. Cause the sunshine, of smiles, as it wen;, to burst through the tempest of | tears ; and if we don't make the Morning Argus hum around this town, it will be queer." Mr. Slimmer had charge of the editorial department the next day, during the. abi seiice of Colonel Bangs in Wilmington. I Throughout the afternoon and eveningdeatli notices arrived ; and when one would reach Mr. Slimmer* desk, he would lock the door, place the lingers of his left hand among his hair, and agonise until he | succeeded in completing a verse that I I seemed to him to accord with his instructions. I The next morning Mr. [Slimmer proceeded calmly to the oflice for the pnroose of embalming in sympathetic verso the j memories of other departed ones. As he came neai to the establishment he observed a crowd of people in front of it, struggling to gel into the door. Ascend- j in»- some steps upon tin? other side of- Ihe j street, he overlooked the crowd, and could see within the oi'tice the clerks selling papers as fast as they could handle them, while the mob pushed and yelled in fraii- ! tie otlori.s to obtain copies, the presses in the cellar meanwhile clanging furiously. Standing upon the curbstone in front of the office there was a long row of men, each of whom was engaged in reading ihe Morning- Argus with an earnestness that Mr. Slimmer had never before seen displayed l iy the patrons of that sheet. The bard concluded that either his poetry had touched a sympathetic chord in the popular heart, or that an appalling disaster had occurred in some quarter of the globe. lie went around to .the hack of ihe ollice, and ascended to the editorial rooms. As he approached the sanctum, loud voices ! were her.nl within. Mr. Slimmer determined to ascertain the cause before entering-, lie obtained a chair, and placing- it by the side of the door, he mounted and peeped over ihe door through the transom. There sat. Colonel Bangs, holding" the Morning Argus in lm[|i hands, while the j fringe winch grew in a semicircle around \ the edgy nf his bald head stood straight I out. until he seemed to resemble, a gigantic gun-swab. Two or three persons stood in from of him in threatening altitudes. Slimmer heard one of them say : ''My name is MefJlti". sir! — William Mcillne! 1 am a brother of the late Alexander .Medlue. 1 picked up your paper this morning-, and perceived in it an outrageous insult to my deceased relative, and 1 have come around to demand, sir, WHAT Yoi' mkan by the following infa- i mmis language ; 11 'The dcaih-angel smote- Alexander McGlue And gave him protracted repose ; lie wore a checked shirt and a Number Nine Shoe, Anil he had a pink wart on his nose. No doulit he is happier dwelling in space, Over there on ihe evergreen shore. His friends are informed that his funeral takes place Precisely at quarter-past four. "This is simply diabolical! My late brother had no wart on his nose, sir. lie had upon his nose neither a pink wart, nor a green wari, nor a cream-colored wart, nor ;: wart of any other color. It is a slander! It is a gratuitous insult to my family, and ! distinctly want you to snv WHAT Do Vol' .MKAN 1 by Hllcll conduct V " Really, sir,"' said Hangs, " it is a mis- i take. 'I his is the horrible work oi" a i miscreant in whom 1 reposed perfect confidence, lie shall be punished by my own hand for this outrage. A pink wart ! Awful ! sir— a w l'u l ! Tin: miserable scoundrel shall suffer for this — lie shall, indent] f " How could 1 know.'' murmured Mr. Slimmer to Ihe foreman, who with him was listening, " ihat the corpse hadn't a pink wart V 1 used to know a man named Mctiliie. and he had one. and 1 thought all j the Me Clues had. This < omes of irrogu- : Inritics in families." I v And who," said another man, address- j ing the editor, "authorised you to print ! this hideous siulV about my deceased son? j Do you mean to say, Bangs, that it was ; not with your authority that your low j comedian inserted with my advertisement the following scandalous burlesque? Listen to this : "'Wiilic had a purple monkey climbing on a yellow slide, And uiieii h>- sucked ihe paint all off it made hint deathly sick- ; And in his hit -M lnm;.i he clasped that monkey in his hand, And hade good-bye to earth and went j into it better land. "Oh! no more he'll shoot his sister with his little wooilen gun ; And no more he'll twist the pussy's tail and make her yowl, for fun. * i The pussy's tail now stands out straight ; the gun is laid aside ; | The monkey doesn't jump around since little Willie died.' "The atrocious character of this libel will appear when I say that my son was twenty years old, and that he died of liver complaint. ' " Infamous! utterly infamous!" groaned the editor, as lie cast Ins eyes over the lines. "And the wretch who did this still remains unpunished ! It is too much!"' " And yet," whispered Slimmer to the foreman, '' he told me to lighten the gloom and to cheer the alllicted family with ihe resources of my art ; and I certainly thought that idea about the monkey would have that effect, somehow. Bangs is ungrate I'd] !" Just then there was a knock at the door, and a woman entered, crying. " Are you the editor?"' she inquired of Colonel Bangs. Bangs said he was. " W-w-wcll !'' she said, in a voice broken by sobs, "wh-whal d'you ltiean by publishing this kind of poetry about m-iny cliild '< M-my name is Sin-Smith ; and w-when 1 looked this m-inorning for the notice of Johnny's d-death in your paper, I saw this scandalous verse : " ' Four doctors tackled Jolmny Smith — They blistered and they bled him ; With squills and anti-bilious pills And ipecac, they fed him. They stirred him up with calomel, And tried to move his liver ; But all in vain — his little soul Was wafted o'er The River.' " It's false ! false ! and mean ! Johnny only had one doctor. And they d-didn't bl-b!eed him and b-blister him. It's a wicked falsehood, and you're a hardhearted brute f-f-for printing it !" " Madam, I shall go crazy !" exclaimed

j Bangs. "This is not iny-work. Itisthe work of ci villain whom 1 will slay with my own hand as soon as lie comes in. Madam, the miserable outcast shall die !" " Strange ! strange !" said Slimmer. " And this man told me to combine elej vatiiig sentiment with practical informaj tioji. If the information concerning- the .squills and ipecac, is not practical, I have i misunderstood the use of that word. And j if young Smith didn't have i'our doctors, jit wad an outrage. He ought to have had j them, and they ought to have excited his | liver. Tims it is that human life is saeri- ' Heed to carelessness."" " " At this jinn-tun- the sheriff entered, his j brow clothed with thunder. He had a j copy of the Morning Argus in his hand. I He approached the editor, and pointing to | a death-notice, said, j " Read that outrageous burlesque, and i tell me the name of the writer, so that 1 : can chastise him." j TIk 1 editor read as follows : , " We have lost our lit tie Jlanner in a very i painful manner, j And we oflen asked, How can her harsh , sufferings be borne ? J When her death was first reported, her j aunt got up and snorted j With the grief that she supported, for it made her fed forlorn. '' She was such a little seraph that her father, who is sherilV, Keally doesn't seem to care if he ne'er | smiles in life again. I SSi.i i. has gone, we hope, to heaven, at the early age of seven (Funeral starts oil' ;| ( eleven), when; I ' she il nevermore have pain." ■• As a consequence of (his, I withdrawall the county advertising from y UU r paper. A man who could trille in this manner with the feelings of a parent is a savage and a. scoundrel !" 1 As the sheriff wenl out. Colonel Bungs , 1 placed his head upon the table, and groaned. •• lieally," Mr. Slimmer said, "that person must be deranged. L tried, in his ease, to put myself in his place, and to write as if I was one of Uic family, according to instructions. The verses are beautiful. That, allusion to the grief of the aunt, particularly, seemed to me to he very happy, it expresses violent emotion with a leiicitous iiimliination of sweetness and force. These people have no soul — no j appreciation of the beautiful in arl." While the poet mused, hurried steps were heard upon the stairs, and in a I nioineiii a nnddle-agvd man dashed in j abruptly, and seizing the colonel's scattered hair, bumped his prostrate head against ;he table three or four times with considerable force. Having expended the violence of his emotion in this manner, he held the editor's head down with one hand, shaking it occasionally by way of emphasis, and with the other hand seized the paper, and said,. •• You disgraceful old reprobate! You disgusting vampire ! You hoary-headed old ghoul ! Whai d'you mean by putting such si ii II as tins in your paper about my deceased sou? What d'you mean by printing such awful doggerel as this, you depraved and dissolute ink-slinger — you imbecile quill-driver, you ! "■()h! bury Bartholomew out hi the woods, In a beautiful hole in (he ground. Where the bumble-bees buzz and the woodpeckers sing, And (he straddle-bugs tumble around. ; So that, in winter, when the snow and the slush Have covered his lust little bed. His brother Artemas can go out with Jane And visit the place with his sled.' " I'll teach you to talk about straddlehugs ! i'll instruct you about slush! I'll enlighten your insane old intellect on the subject of singing woodpeckers ! What dn you know about Jane and Artemas. you wretched buccaneer, you despicable butcher of the English language V (Jo out with a sled ! I'll carry you out in a hi-arsi: before I'm done, with you, you deplorable lunatic !"' At the end of every phrase, the visitor gave (he editor. s head a fre.-Ji knock against the table. When the exercise was ended. Colonel Bangs explained and apologised in the humbles! manner, promising at the same lime to give his assailant a chance to Hog Mr. Slimmer, who was ex- | peet'd to arrive in a few momeujs. "The treat hery of this man," murmured the poet to the foreman, "is i dreadful, Didn't he desire me to throw a glamour of poesy over commonplace details V But for that \ should never have thought o!' alluding to woodpeckers and bugs, and other children of Naluiv. The man objects to the remarks about the sled. Can the idiot know that it was necessary | to have a rhyme for ' bed?' Can he suppose that 1 could write poetry without rhymes V The man is a lunatic! He ou'ghi not io be at large !'" Hardly had the indignant and energetic parent of Bartholomew departed, when a man with red hair and a ferocious glare in his eyes entered, carrying a club, and accompanied by a savage-looking dog. " I want to see the editor," he shouted. A ghastly pallor overspread tke colonel's i'ace, and he said, " The editor is not in." '• Well, when will lie be in, then ?" ''Xol for a week — for a month — for a year — for ever! He will never come in any more!'' screamed Bangs, '"lie has gone. to South America, with the intention to remain there during the res! of his life. lie has departed. He has lied. If you want to see him, you had better follow him to the equator. Ho will be -lad :•> M -c you. ! would advise you, as a friend, to take the next boat — Io start at once." "That is unfortunate," said the man; "[came ail the way from Delaware City for the purpose of battering him up a lot with this club." '" Jb' will be sorry," said Bangs, sarcas ticaliy. " lie will regret missing you. I will write to him, and mention that you dropped in." " My name is MeFadden." said the man. "■ I ciiue to break the head of the man who wrole Ibat obituary poetry about my wife. If you don't tell me who 'perpetrated the following, I will break yours for you. Where's (he man who wrote this? I 'ay attention : — " • Mrs. MeFadden has gone from this life: She has left all its sorrows and cares ; She. caught the rheumatics in both of her legs. While scrubbing the cellar and stairs. They pni muslard-plasters upon her in vain ; They bathed her with whisky and ruin ; But Thursday her spirit departed, and left her body entirely numb.'" "The man who held the late Mrs. McFadden up to the scorn of an unsympathetic world in that shocking manner," said the editor, "is mimed James B. Slimmer. He boards in Blank-street, fourth door from the comer. I would advise you to call on him and ;ivenge Mrs. McFadden's wrongs with an intermixture of club and dogbites." v And this," sighed the poet, outside the door, v ik the man who told me to divert McFadtlen's mind from contemplation of the horrors of the tomb. It was this monster who counselled me to make

the sunshine of McFadden's smiles burst through the tempest of McFadden's tears. If that red-headed monster couldn't smile over that allusion to whisky and rum if those remarks about the rheumatism ' in her legs could not divert his mind from the horrors of the tomb, was it my fault ? MeFadden grovels ! He knows no more about poetry than a mule knows about the Shorter Catechism." The poet . .determined to leave before any more criticisms were made upon his performances. He jumped down from his chair, and crept softly towards the back 'staircase."'" The story told by the foreman relates that Colonel Bangs at the same instant resolved to escape any further persecution, and he moved off in the direction taken by the poet. The two met upon the landing, and the colonel was about to begin his quarrel with Slimmer, when an enraged old woman who had been groping her way upstairs suddenly plunged heiumbrella at Bangs, and hold him in a corner while she handed a copy of the Argus to Slimmer, and pointing to a certain stanza, asked him to read it aloud, lie did so in a somewhat tremulous voice, and with frightened glances at the enraged colonel. The verse was as follows: " Little Alexander's dead ; Jam him in a eollin ; Don't have as good a chance For a fituVai often. Eush his body right around To the cemetery ; Drop him in the sepulchre With his l.'uele Jerry." The colonel's assailant accompanied (he recilation with such energetic remarks as these : " ()h. ( you willin ! D'you hear that, you wretch? What d'you mean by wriliu' of my grandson in that way? 'Take that, you serpint ! Oh, you wiper, you ! tryin' to break a lone widder's heart with such scand'lotis lies as them ! There, you willin ! 1 kimmere to hammer you well wilh this here umbrellcr, you owdacious wiper, you ! Take thai, ami thai", you wile, indecent, disgusiin 1 wagabone"! When you know well enough that Aleck never had no I'iiele Jerry, and never had no uncle in no .sepulchre ;ni\how. you wile wretch, ; you !" When Mr. Slimmer had concluded his portion of the eiiiertaiinueul, he left Hie i colonel in (he hands of the enemy and fled. Hi; has not been seen in Xew Castle since that day. and it is supposed that he has returned to Sussex County for the purpose of (oniinuing in private his dalliance with the Mu.ses. Colonel Bangs, appears to j have abandoned the idea of establishing a j department of obituary poetry, and the Argus has resumed its accustomed aspect of dreariness. It may fairly boasi. however, that once during us career ii has produe.-d a profound impression upon the community. — Max Adeler.