THE COLONEL'S HAT.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume XI, Issue 161, 29 June 1876, Page 4

THE COLONEL'S HAT.

[Max Adbler, in New York Weekly ~\ Colonel Bangs is very bald, and in order to induce his hair to grow again, he is using a very excellent article of "Hair Vigour" upon his scalp. A week or two ago he was summoned as a juryman upon a oase in tbe Distriot Court, and upon the day of the trial, just before the hour at which the Court met, he remembered that he had forgotten to apply. the ■" Vigour" to his bead that morning. He bad only a few minutes to spare, but he flew up-stairs aud into the dark closet where he kept the bottle, and, pouring some fluid upon a sponge, he rubbed bis head energetically. By some mishap the Colonel got hold of the wrong bottle, and the substance with which he inundated his scalp was not " vigor," but the black varnish with which Mrs. Bangs decorated, her shoes. However, Bange didn't perceive the mistake, but darted down stairs, put on bis hat, and walked off tb the court-room. It was a very cold morning, and by the time tho Colonel reached his destination, the varnish was as Btifi as a stone. He felt a little uncomfortable about the head, and he endeavored to remove his hat to discover the cause of this difficulty, but to his dismay it was immovable. It was glued fast to the skin, and in his efforts to take it off it gave him frightful pain, just then he heard his name called by the crier, and he had to go into the court to answer. He was wild with apprehensions of coming trouble ; but he took his seat in the jury-box and determined to explain the situation to the court at the earliest possible opportunity. As he sat wilh a guilty feeling in his soul, it seemed to him that his high hat kept getting bigger and bigger until it appeared to him to be as large as a medium-sized shot tower. Then he was conscious that the lawyers were staring at him. Then the Clerk looked hard at him and screamed — " Hats off in court !''■ and the Colonel grew crimson in tbe face. " Hats off 1" yelled the Clerk again, and the Colonel was about to reply when the Judge came, and, ns his eye rested on Bangs, he said .— "Persons in tbe oourt-room muat remove their hata." " Bangs — "May it please your Honor, I kept my bat on beoause Judge — " Well, sir, you mustt ake it off now." Bangs— "But I keep it on because Judge—" We don't allow any argument upon the subject, sir. Take your hat .off" instantly 1" Bangs— "But you won't let me- — — Judge. — " Remove that hat this very moment, sir. Are you going to bandy words with me, sir ? Uncover your head at once 1" Bangs — "Judge, if you will only give me the chance to Judge — "This is intolerable. Do yeu mean to insult the court, sir? Do you mean to profane this sacred temple of justice with untimely levity? Take your hat off, sir, or I will fine you for contempt. Do yonr hear roe ?" Bangs — " Well, it's very hard that I can't say a word by way of ex Judge (warmly)—"' This, sir, is too much. Perhaps you'd like to come up on the bench here, and run the court, ahd sentence a few convicts 1 You've got more audacity than a mule. Mr. Clerk, fine that man 50 dollars I Now, sir, -remove your hat." . Bangs—" Judge, this is rough on' me . I-t— , • .. , Judge (in a furious rage)—" Won't do it yet ? Why, you impudent scoundrel ! I have a notion to— — . Mr. Clerk, fine him 100 dollars more ; and Mr. Jones, you go and take that hat off by force." Then the tipstaff approached Bangs, who Was by tbis time half-cfßzy with wrath, and hit the hat with his stick. It didn't move. Then he struck it again', and caved in the crown ; but still it remained on Bang's head. Then be picked up a volume of " Brown on Evidence/ and smashed the crown^in flat. Then Bangs sprang at him, and shaking' his fist under the hose of Mr. Brown, he shrieked — '■ " You mutton headed scullion I If that Jackass on the bench bad any sense, he could see that the bat is glued fast. I .can't take it off if I wanted to." ■ The Judge removed the fines, and excused him, and Bangs went home. He slept in that bat for a week, and even when it came off, tbe top" of his head looked as black as if mortification had set in.