"HEZ" AND THE LANDLORD.

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume VII, Issue 88, 12 April 1872, Page 2

"HEZ" AND THE LANDLORD.

— -u ■ (Foom the World of Wit and Hnmor.) In a quiet little Ohio village, many years ago, was a tavern where the stage changed, aod the passengers expected to get breakfast. The landlord of the said hotel was noted for his tricks upon travellers, who were allowed to get fairly seated at the table, when the driver would blow his horn (after taking his ** horn ") aod For remainder of news see fourth page.

sing out, "Stage ready, gentleman ! " — whereupon the passengers were obliged to hurry out to take their seats, leaving a scarcely tasted breakfast behind them, for which, however, they had to fork over fifty cents ! One day, wheu the stage was approaching the house of this obliging landlord, a passenger s said that he had often heard of the landlord's tricks, and he was afraid they would not be able to eat any breakfast. " What ! — how ? No breakfast ! " exclaimed the rest. "Exactly so, gents, and you may as well keep your seats and tin." " Don't they expect passengers to breakfast ? " " Oh, yes, they expect you to it, hut not to eat it. lam under the impression that there is an understanding between the landlord and the driver, tbat for sundry fees and drinks, &c, tbe latter starts before you can scarcely commence eating." " What on airth are you talking about ? Ef you calkelate I'm going to pay four-and-ninepence for my breakfast, and not get the value on't, you're mistaken," said a voice from a back seat, the owner of which was one Hezekiah Spaulding — though --' tew hum " they call him " Hez " for short. ** I'm going to get my breakfast here, and not pay nary red cent till I do." " Then you'll be left." " Not as you knows on, I won't." " Well, we'll see," said the other, as the stage drove up to tbe door, and the landlord, ready "to do the hospitable," says : — "Breakfast just ready, gents ! Take a wash, gents ! Here's water, basins, towels, and soap." After performing their ablutions, they all proceeded to the dining-room, and commenced a fierce onslaught upon the edibles ; though Hez took his time. Scarcely had they tasted their coffee when they heard the unwelcome sound of the liorn, and the driver exclaim — " Stage ready!" Up rose eight grumbling passengers, paid their fifty cents, and took their seats. "All on board, gents?" inquired the host. " One missiDg," said they. Proceeding to the dininsr-room, the host finds Hez very coolly helping himself to an immense piece of steak, the size of a horse's hip. " You'll be left, sir ! Stage goiDg to start ! " " Well, I hain't got nothin' to say agin it," drawled Hez. "Can't wait, sir— better take your seat." " I'll be gall-darned if I dew, nother, till I've got my breakfast ! I paid for it, and I'm goin' to get the value on't, and if you calkela-e I hain't, you are mistakpn." So the stage did start, and left Hez, who continued his attack on the edibles. Biscuits, coffee, &c, disappeared before tbe eyes of the astonished landlord. " Say, squire, them there cakes is 'bout eat — fetch on another grist on 'em. You (to the waiter), another cup of that ere coffee. . Pass them eggs. Raise your own pork, squire ? This is 'mazing nice ham. Land 'bout here tolerable cheap, squire ? Hain't much maple timber in these parts, hev ye ? Dew right smart trade, squire, I calkelate ? " And thus Hez kept quizzing the landlord until he made a hearty meal. " Say, squire, now I'm /bout to conclude paying my devowers tew this ere table, but jest give us a bowl of bread and milk | to top off with. I'd be much obliged tew j ye." So out go the laudlord and waiter for | the bowl, milk and bread, and set them before him. " Spoon, tew, if you please." ! But no spoon could be found. Landloid was sure be had plenty of silver ones lying on the table when the stage stopped. , "iSay so, dew ye ? Dew ye think them passengers is going to pay ye for a breakfussand get no compensashun ? " "Do you think any of them passengers took them ? " "Dew I think ? No, I don't think, but TmcSartin. Ef they are all as green as yew-4)out here, I'm goin' to locate immediately ond tew wonst." The landlord rushes out to the stable, and starts. a man after, the stage, which had gone about three miles. The man over-takes the- stage, aod says something to the driver in alow tone. He immediately turns back, and on arriving at the hotel, Hez comes out, takes his seat, and said — " How are you, gents '? I'm rotted glad to see yew." " Can you point out the man you think bas the Bpoons ? " asked the landlord. "Pint him out !, Sartinly I ken. Say, squire, I. paid my, four and uinepence. for a breakfuss, and I calkelate I got the value on't ? You'll find them spoons in the coffeepot." . " Go'ahead ! All aboard, driver." The landlord stared .