OUT & ABOUT

Maoriland Worker, Volume 2, Issue 31, 6 October 1911, Page 3

OUT & ABOUT

By EWAN MEE

Good people, hero we are at last with the flowers in. spring. Should the situation of your mansion in tho Umpire or other of the garden cities of God's Own, preclude you from having ias many of these as you wish, let mc do all one man can to make good your deficiency, by flinging into your lap a few flowers of rhetoric. You were surprised to see lis, nay, you were astonished, amazed! Fact is, I was a bit bewildered myself, and it '.. wilt take some time to relieve my equilibrium. In all the out and about, up and down chronicles of the art of newspaper making, was there ever/ such brazen brassiness, such self-sufficient satisfaction, such insolent assurance, such egotistical effrontery, such gratuitous intrepidity, such impudent, unparalleled, petrefying audacity? That the Federation of Labor, a lowdown lot of mugwumps, a polyglot push of Tinklers, Tailors, Miners, Sailors, and others of that ilk, with no more knowledge of journalism than a cat has •of should presume to allow themselves to imagine that thej' could produce a newspaper 1 a political . organ !! a literary journal!!! Yet they determined to do it. In fact, it looks uncommonly like as if they had done ii, and' that they are going to continue »-■ doing it until there are conclusions F and things. •r ' " I can understand now why Sir Joe Ward's Press-gang Government were £ in such a hurry to pass that Conscription Act! And "Tho Maoriland Worker" pressgang would like if yon, gentle reader, would do the subscription act and pass * : along that 6s 6d for "The Worker" i to be sent as a weekly visitor to one of your friends. i. -x- . * * L Some dear Labor friend has sent mc r a oopy of the report of the Annual |- Conference of tho N.Z. Trades and * Labor Councils. Let it not be said (again New Zealand is in lack of humorists. That little book contains more laughs to the square inch than any humorous publication I know. There- was one Tom Young there. The same as is seeking the suffering ©lectors of Wellington Central to rally round his poor starved skeleton of a. platform. Ah, well, Tom is Young— and green 1 But humorous as aro the proposals Tom puts forth in pelucid, limpid language, you have got to read Tom on the difference between Socialisation and .Public Ownership to get him at his best. Tom says : According to the arguments, there is no difference between Socialisation and Public Ownership. The only difference is that in Public Ownership there is a controlling authority. •When yon are done laughing we will proceed. But Tom says : — In Public Ownership there is a controlling authority. He speaketh truly, friend. There is! 'Ay, a patrolling authority. Under Socialism there would be no ■"controlling authority," says this Young Tom. And, come to think of it, !he is right there too! Under Socialism the workers would not control, they would possess the government. To oontrol means to repress, to curb, to master, to hinder, to subject, to restrain. All that these words imply to-day would have passed, and the new form of government, not controlled but possessed by the people, would have for its purpose not the controlling," repressing, but the fostering, ■oherishing, animating, inspiriting, cheering, stimulating, strengthening, . invigorating and inspiring of the people. Tom concludes by declaring that, Socialisation is the ideal of Revolutionary Socialists. It is their short cut to heaven. Ah, well, there's no accounting i'jr | tastes. Tom. probably prefers to get r there by going through purgatory. ; ■ \Tho friend who sent mc the "Reb port" sent with it also several cutIbtings from former reports, and some of are illuminating when placed in L juxtaposition to\what the same indiviBduals purpose uqw. Take the follow- ,__—- - v .^swsajss

ing samples of the consistency of "Fighting Mac," as the member for Wellington East loves to call Mr. McLaren : — David McLaren, minus M.P.J I am in favour of on© central exscutive. Sectional grievances could be referred to such a body. If a. strike was to occur it would then be a strike for the whole of labor, and the .executive would be the responsible party.—Trades Councils' Conference, July, 1908. David McLaren, M.P.: If the change is to be on the lines of Ono Big Union, with one big executive, having tyrannical power over the mass of tho workers, the proposed conference might take it on if it liked, but ho undertook that the rank and file of the workers would not endorse their action.—Trades Councils' Conference, April, .1911. Who's that' whistling "Jump, Jim Crow?" At still another Conference, Mr. McLaren said: — ■ I am opposed to these holidays for "boosting up" royalty and . Empire .... They should avoid this "boosting up" of the spirit of Empire which assisted the capitalist forces of the time. Empires mean crowns, coronets, standing armies .... That wa<s Fighting Mac in earnest that time. But why did he not add, . . . ay, and Governors and Governor's supper parties, Premier's receptions, and dress suits, and things'. Or was it only Skyting Mac that spoke after all. * * * I received a postcard last week liaving the effigies- of several coins of the realm embossed thereon, and bearing the legend: SOCIALISM. Divide all money in ihe world a.nd when mine is finished —divide again. Now, that's what I call humour! And the funniest thing about it is that the legend must have got on. the wrong card. It has nothing to do with the title! Hasn't it just? G-r-r-rl

Verily, ono has to go from home to hear the News. There has- beeu#©going the rounds of the capitalist/ press the report of a lecture by the Ilt-jv. A. F. ■ Forrest, Renfield street, "' TJ.F. Church, Glasgow, in which he stated

that under Socialism production would be lessened, and quoted in support of his statement, New Zealand, where, he was authoritatively informed, "quality and quantity of work were falling behind because tho workers there were secure in a living wage!" There, you waterside workers, the reason you don't work full time is because yon are "secure in a living wage!" What was it Rabbie Burns said about ministers? E'en ministers, they ha'e been kent Wi' holy rapture. A rousing "wind" at times to vend.. And nail't wi' scripture! This reverend prevaricator, we may take it, is "secure in a living wage," and on his own showing that may account for the quality of his sermons. Nay, by these same tokens, he must be doubly "secure!" It appears the pulpiteer gave the working classes, or as he would describe them, the lower orders, beans. In this item he erred. He ought to have given them thistles —at least those who sat his sermon out. The lecture in question seems to havei been as complete a caricature of what Socialism is, as it was possoble to be. "Confiscators," "plunderers,'.' and kindred kindly epithets glided glibly from his gliddery tongue. Competition was "com mend-able." "Socialists wanted equality, but. if we had everything in a joint-stock company tomorrow, there would be inequality the next day!" I had no idea a .clergyman,-'-especi-ally a Scots -clergymain, could be such a humorist. He almost equals that of the Trades Councils' Conference delegates. Sky ting Mac and Young Didymns had better look to their laurels. Of course all this about "equality" is a trifle vague, but, dear mc, vagueness in a clergyman, shouldn't create any. surprise, at. this time of day. Robbed of that, don't you know, they would have to buttonhole Othello. Whether; he.meant equality of health, wealth, weight, or wisdom; whether the houses were to be all alike, and the trees all the same height, whether the ministerial heads were to be of the same size and thickness, and the ministerial sermons of equal length, breadth, and bulk, and of the same quality, or whether the only way to secure this last was to abolish them altogether, he didn't think it worth while to explain. A little competition for pulpits, based on the law of supply and demand, would soon give all such blethorumskytes a true: idea of their market value. To which .suggestion, probably the Rev Forrest would reply, with em-

phasis: "Not if I nose it, as the dog says!" A friend from Glasgow tells, mc that he knows the Rev. Forrest, that he lives in Thistle street, Glasgow, and that he "is all right." I've no doubt he is, but what puzzles une is how a street of that nam© could be all right long with such an occupant! But, seriously, how do you ■- agitators intend to get your economic theories accepted by men of the obviousJfy limited brain capacity of the Rev. Forrest and the sender of the legendbearing postcard? It seems to mc The agitating Socialist May lecture every hour, To teach down-trodden laboring ones To claim their share of power. The laboring one© may listen In a way quite decerns, But us for douug things themselves, They do not care a, cuss. ' ■'' They toil throughout the week, and then, When Saturday draws near, . They dream of football scrim mages And foaming quarts of beer. And when election time comes-round, They do not make a fuss, For, as I have' remarked' before, . They do not care a cuss. But I promised you some flowers of rhetoric, did I not? And didn't you notice that Mr. Massey threw a beauty into the lap (or was it the bed-quilt?) of a sleeping Parliament the other night. With as much scorn as he could compress into his voice, he, almost in as many,words, mado our only nobleman to be —well, the other thing. He declared that Sir Joseph Ward had Conciliation on his lips, freehold in his heart, and an.increased land tax up his sleeve. He might have added that he had The Opposition, under his heel, the Labor Party in his pocket, and his. tongue in his cheek. And such, a cheek! There are some disgruntled persons who declare that Joe has a lot more things up his sleeve. Some say he has the High Commissiouersbip there, while others hint that in Joey's daydreams the thing takes the shape of a coronet. ■ There are some would try to make you believe that Joey was a jug, but, you bet, Joey ain't no mug. What is it that song we learnt in school says about him? If yer think that JoeY a- juggins, then he ain't, • And yer never'was so far at sea before, For of'foolishness he hasn't got a taint, An' he alius knows the proper time to score. There be some that thinks they knows a thing or two, An' who foots it in a cautious kind t>* way, But it's Joey who could give them tips a - ' few, - An' 'aye some left to lick them any day- - mm '

Massey's s'poscd t?r be' a knowin' sorter . ;chap, , , ~ . , i 'Aa' Herdman's got a srhmmonr. o sense. But for both o' „t'.het« he doesn't care a rap; , How 'c fooLs them-* just ticklas mc im- . in ense. ' All their patriotism's just puro Tommy Wrot, But he echoes o' their -sentiments Lko fun; W'en he &ecs tho l ba.lly fftoow go all to pot, But not till then, will Joey cul and run. Some day he'll take a notion o' a re-vt, An' book .himself for royion-i far above. Were ho'Jl .sit anions tlho lords, «o pood an J blest. An' biff the British workers* Bills for love. But at present, with his finger to his "H!0-!?e, Without the concern lua lakes hia way. But ere ho ?ieeks the mansions of repose. The old one further down'll be to pay. Ay, ajid Sir Joseph treats us to an occasional rhetorical flower, also. Only; the other day he, with team in hia voice, assured Ins hearers The Motherland has been to New Zealand as a friend in need, and, lest we forget, it is well to remember that a friend in need is a • friend indeed! And the snug, smug London Goldbug manipulates the orbicularis palpebrarum of his dexter optic in mimicry of Sir Joey, and replies. The friend hi need is the friend we bleed! Come again soon, Sir Joseof! , * *', * What a number of people one run* up against who declare they are "Socialists, but . . . !" I.was talking to one such t'other day. He believed hi Socialism. He had "read 'Henry George" (sic) and- he hadn't "tha slightest doubt that Socialism was what wa.s wanted, but .:. '." (and ho looked at mc as if to reassure himself that I was unarmed, before ho ventured to utter the terrible thing that had forced itself upon. ' his inner consciousness), "... but —er —well,

I can't say as I am enamoured., with your methods. Why don't you adopt other tactics? Come, now, 'tween you. and mc, is your crowd hot a little too insistent, too declamatoryv too noisy ?"

I took him by the lily-white hand, and, knowing that the soft answer cutteth deeper than a two-edged sword, I said unto him, Friend', there was onoe a clergyman wont $o parade his love (though not in a monetary man- - ncr) for the forward movement, both in the religious and social world, who met the captain of a Salvation Army corps and began in. his most effusivo style to express his deep sympathy with, the work the S.A. was doing, but . . . He too, had his buts. On this occasion, however, he had met a butt-er. Said the clergyman: "I acknowledge tho great good yon are doing to win souls for the Master* kingdom, but —ahem! —you'll pardon mc, brother, for I would speak the truth in love. 1 glory in your good work, but —ahem! —I cannot say I altogether approve of your methods, you. know." The captain inquired what it was in the. methods of the S.A. that his .reverelid. brother disapproved of. Tho sky pirate at first gave an equivocate reply, but being pressed .to eschew vagueness, a difficult thing for. a clergyman at any time, he ventured to say, "Oh, well, don't you think you people are a little too insistent,' too noisy? You know, brother, the Temple was built in perfect silence!" "Very true, sir," replied the captain, "but we are working in tn» quarry!" And so, to all who assert that Socialists are too insistent, too noisy. too rough in their language and manners, I reply: We ara working in tha quarry! We are hewing the atones '" with much wearing, tearing toil of brawn and brain. Meanwhile, silently, but surely, unseen by those who having eyes see not; almost imperceptible even to thoso who, while working, aro watching and waiting for its materialisation, there is being built up around us a Temple of wondrous beauty, a. Temple not built with hands, whoso Altar shall be raised to the God <£ ■Human. Brotherhood, and the Gospel of its Priests will be Right Conditions for. All. And in that day man shall' be man, and no man more than man, and the twin-glories of Motherhood and Childhood shall be to him as a well of water in a desert place, - and his handmaidens, Science aawi Knowledge, shall drive .Darkness-' and Diseaso without the Pale, • and \ Poverty, Oppression, and' Crimp be known in thobiud no. more for" cvdfc; ,\ v -