Comments—Common and Caustic

Maoriland Worker, Volume I, Issue 8, 20 April 1911, Page 12

Comments —Common and Caustic

A thousand guests were invited by the Australian Labour Government to attend the launch of the Commonwealth destroyer, Warrego, in Sydney on April 4th. There seems to have been some mistake, it should have been April Ist. * * * * A new industry has been started in the United States. It is called a Commission of Enquiry into the multitudinous bribery charges. It ought to find good jobs for those who used to have good positions being bribed. -x- -x- * * A Grave Trust. A number of London undertakers have formed a trust and bought up all the available burying ground, thus forming a corner in graves, with a view to bumping up prices before dumping down corpses. * * * ■* Johnnies mother Avas amazed to hear her dear boy swearing volubly. "Why, Johnnie," she exclaimed, with horror in her voice, "who taught you to swear like that?" "Taught mc to swear?" said her young hopeful in an injured tone, "Why, mother, it's mc teaches the other boys.'' * * * * One has to go from home to learn the news. The Brisbane ''Worker" says: — The New Zealand Government has declined an invitation to send representatives to the coronation, as only one member of Parliament expressed a wdlingness to travel to the show. And yet the cable-crammer toid us Sir Joe and the Dr. spoke loudly about the "Hempire" as they passed through Australia on their way to the Coronation. * -x- * * This is an extract from a Siamese paper that has an English column for foreign readers:— "Shooting Outrage —O Fearful Agony.—Khoon Tong Avas a man of Langoon and on his return accidentally shot at by some miscreant scoundrels. Untimely death, oh fearful 1 All men express their mourn. The cowardice dogs is still at large." The American Beef Trust is working at both ends. It is trying to "corner the market" in Australasia, and it is operating in the United States against the importation of Australasian meat. Its operations in America have so far been quite successful — Australasian meat cannot get in; but whether the trust will get a foothold here remains to be seen. * * * The Americans are a clever people, although as G. B. Shaw said their morals and standards of life are those of medieval Europe. A smart Yankee showed Edison an engagement ring which he intended to have patented. Edison wondered why. The youth, who probably had experience of the sex that is fickle though fair, replied "It's adjustable." So are human hearts, a fact which is quite patent. * * * * Shakespeare has asked, "What's in a name?" A Sunderland Town Councillor learned there Avas something. He, after the Scots fashion, referred to the North Sea as the "German Ocean" at a meeting of the City Council, and was promptly and noisily called to order by his fellow-members. Rule Britan- i nial | * * * * I According to a writer in London ' "Truth," women are upholstered now instead of dressed. He—the writer must surely be a he —claims to have a picture of "a lovely evening gown which is almost a» drawing-room suite in itself." * * * * We all know—at least we have heard it sung often enough—that "Britain first at heaven's command arose from out the azure main." The Imperial Chancellor of Germany told the Reichstag the other day that "the Prussian people and the Prussian State had been created by the almost unexampled work of the Hohenzoiiern rulers." To which the Socialist Ledebour retorted that "His Majesty the Kaiser was congenitally afflicted by the illusions which brought the Stuarts and the Bourbons to ruin." * * * * There are three Old Country jockeys named respectively Trigg, Higgs, and Griggs, from which it can be seen easily they were bound to be partial to "geegees/' **•*■* Under despotic government it is said that miners sometimes take away gold dust from the mines in their hair. Very reprehensible! But what of the priA'ate enterprisers who. steal a whole mine. The grand larceny is impossible under public ownership. * * -xSays Professor W. T. Mills, who is about to visit New Zealand : "I heard a man once saying, 'Jt is impossible to get the things Professor Mills w>ant».

If we did, it -would be like having heaven on earth.' I replied, 'Well, why not have heaven on earth ? Have you been living so long under a Republican Government and got so used to hell that you don't want heaven ?' " * * •* * The House of Lords has a membership of 600, but it only takes 27 to form a quorum. Think of their indifference to the business of the country when they sometimes find it difficult to get a quorum. The Wellington Wharf Labourers' Union has a membership of 1800, but it only takes 40 to form a quorum. Think of their indifference to their OAvn business when they oftentimes find it difficult to get a quorum. In Britain there are two forms of government—the one at Downing Street and the other at Threadneedle Street. In France there are two—one at Paris and one on the Bourse. In America there are two- —one at Washington and one in Wall Street, New York. The governments in DoAvning Street, Paris, and Washington hold an election once in a while, and ask the Workers what they think of them. The Bourse, Wall and Threadneedle Streets never hold an election, and they do not care a d what the Workers think of them. * * * * Thus "Comrade Olive" in the Brisbane "Worker" : — Next May, not only shall we be J able to post letters all over Aus- } tralia for a penny, but we shall be { able to send them also to the j United Kingdom, Canada, India and New Zealand for the same rate. So hurrah for Labour and penny postage ! Apparently the Workers' wives in Australia have a good time and fill in their leisure moments writing letters to their numerous poor relations in the Cold Country, and in Canada, India, etc., etc. What luxuries they will enjoy noAv that they can save money through the introduction of penny postage ! * * « * Keir Hardie has predicted that if coronets (the peers) go to the meltingpot the Crown may follow. And even John Burns of Battersea hints that if the present British Constitutional Crisis is not settled to his satisfaction we may live to see a second edition of "the little brass plate" in Whitehall AA'hich records the execution of King Charles I. * * * -xThe bubonic plague has struck Auck- ! land, and there is much speculation as j to the originating cause. An earnest I fight must be waged against it. The I Avay to removal of the cause is proper sanitary dwellings and decent food. The fulfilment of both of these conditions to all the people can be found only under Socialism. * * * ■* Dr. Tanner, the famous fasting man (says an exchange), celebrated his.Blst birthday by beginning a fast which he wiil endeavour to continue for 80 consecutive days. He declares that there is no better way of fighting the beef trust than by fasting. Dr. Tanner ._ wrong there. We shouldn't fight the trust, we should own it, and then there would be no necessity for fasting. * * * * Scotland was once the land of Bibles, but the notice in a recent Home paper of the death of the parish minister of Wishaw, Lanarkshire (the town where our gentle comrade "Lyme Dror" was born), calls to mind an incident that occurred to the sky-pirate in question some time before this scribe left his calf country. He, not the scribe but the minister, was officiating at a wedding in one of the mining districts of his parish, when his request for a Bible discovered the fact that there was not such a book in the house of the bride's parents, and further speirin' revealed there wasn't one in the "hale colliers' raw I" On the other hand, when he made preparations to propose the health of the bride and ventured the request for a corkscrew, nearly every male member of the company produced one instanter from his trousj ers' pocket. * * * •» William McKeever, professor in the Kansas State Agricultural College, says:— If ten millions of Andrew Carnegie's money was devoted to man breeding the result would be worth while. William is wrong. Men do not have to be bred by special coddling institutions. They have to breed themselves. It happens that there is but one method of doing it, and that is through economic freedom. That is what the Socialists are after. The rest of the world seems to be bent on finding an impossible Utopia, a Utopia as unmapped and unfindable as the pole Cook said he discovered. But as Cook imposed on the experts, so do the fake Sociologists impose on society.