Comments—Common and Caustic

Maoriland Worker, Volume I, Issue 7, 20 March 1911, Page 14

Comments —Common and Caustic

"I swear by the Admiralty God," was the naval form of oath the mate of a steam tug took in the Admiralty Court recently. -J? ~ ~*~ The other day a teacher in a school showed a little'girl a picture of a fan and asked her what it was. The girl didn't know. "What does your mother do to keep cool in hot weather?" asked the teacher. •"Drink beer," was the prompt reply. The babel of creeds has received a notable addition in the shape of a new faith which aims at the cure of bodily ills by prayer. The Antoinist faith has as its "founder a Belgian miner named Antoine, and already the new apostle has 160,000 adherents. As is usual in such circumstances, many wonderful cures are reported as a result of the faith, which is a blend of faith-healing and spiritualism. *- * * Giving evidence before the Divorce Commission, Mr W. T. Stead said the Divorce Court, on account of the publicity it secured, was the modern substitute for the Day of Judgment. If everybody was as fond of publicity as Mr W. T. Stead, where would the terror come in ? * ■» * Mr Pelissier has formed a Cabinet in which Harry Lauder is First Lord of the Admiralty, Little Tich the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and Roosevelt Minister of Education for the world. But Sir Joseph Ward has produced a much funnier combination, and what's more, he doesn't .blow* about it. •* * * In America, it is mentioned, a. man can have his hair cut and his shoes polished while holding a conversation over the telephone. In this country one sometimes fancies a man might be measured for and fitted with a suit of clothes while trying to get a. telephone connection. ■x- -::- * ''What is the plural of referee?" asked the teacher. "Referendum," cried little Johnny, who had heard his father read out the Home cabled news re Tariff Reform. * * * According to the vital statistics for last year London is one of the healthiest large towns of the world. As a proof that the statistics are correct it is observed that owing to bad trade five metropolitan undertakers were unable to pay their rates and taxes. This also proves that it's a good wind that blows nobody ill. ■* * * During the naval debate in the German Reichstag the Socialists accused the Krupp family of making £2,350,000 clear profit in the last three years, by .squeezmg the whole district like a lemon, while 40 per cent, of the workmen's dwellings were in a disgraceful condition. Seems a Krupp business. -?:- * •* Frozen eggs, preserved with formaldehyde, which were seized by Government inspectors in New York as unfit for human food, were declared in the courts to contain 8,400,000 germs per teaspoonful. A very little of such lively stuff as that should go a long way" •jr -X- * The message boy with the mouth harmonium may be encouraged to know that a professor of music wiio died the other day started his musical education on a dulcimer. % * -xA British Judge the other day expressed surprise that political clubs provided facilities for playing cards! On the other hand, some folk consider politics itself merely a. game of cardplaying. ■* * ■* Another record broken. King George is the only sovereign tsince pre-Tudor times who has not met his first Parliament in person. Perhaps His Majesty likes to choose his company. *■ * * A lady authority does not agree with the suggestion that the drama is going to the dogs, but admits that "in these days of bedroom and pyjama plays, it has a tendency to go to bed." -x- * ■* The fact that the American bank director now standing his trial for embezzlement bears the appropriate name of Robin reminds one of the retired Scots lawyer who in quest of an historic name for his new villa, was recommended by a friend to make a clean breast of it and call it Dunrobin. * * * It has been reported to the Wood Green Education Committee (England) that "satisfactory arrangements have been made for bathing dirty children at the refuse-destructor.'' •* -x- * Modern man is modest in the extreme. His forefathers a handful of centuries ago used to claim they "were

descended from the Gods : now he is doing his best to prove that lie lias ascended from monkeys. * ■* vA Mnelildorf tradesman -who was convicted recently at Munich of clress- | ing as a woman has had his conviction quashed on the plea that he had an hereditary preference for female attire. I Probably his mother ivas a woman. '"'Old Moore" promises a cheerful time during 1011. The venerable proj phet eloquently remarks,, ''The HellI hag of devolution will go shrieking j tli rough, the In ml. holcii7ig by a very inadequate leash the bloody dogs of war. ,. One feels tempted to ask the old fellow if he will explain how you can hold any dogs by an ■"inadequate" leash, let alone "'dogs of war." % -a -xThe Guardians at Mailing, llent, ! have decided to buy a number of umbrellas for the uff of old women in the Workhouse. Wr.-uidn't it have been better, if not cheaper, to mend the roof ? I * -jf -XI A patent medicine firm has put its ! foot in it by claiming, in an Irish I paper, to have permanently cured a woman whose death notice appears in the same issue. There's no doubt lof the permanency of the cure. * * % Talking of quack medicines. A new j hair tonic lias been patented in America. It is composed of two ingredients whisky ami port. wine. It is having phenomenal sales —chiefly in the prohibition States. A recent report shows that some 8000 actors in Germany •"earn on an average no more than £60 a year." One would fancy there would be more acting than real life on a salary like that! * -s- * Some meddlesome genius has invented a, fishing rod that registers the precise number and weight of all fish caught. Most fishers one knows prefer to leave such trifling details to the imagination—their own by preference. ■* -:f -X Apropos of •"Beachcomber's" article on ■'Education" in another column. Mr Fowlds as Minister of Education must look to his own doorstep. Long ago we concluded "spelling" was not the strong point of the native born within our borders—unless the word be used in a vulgar sense. ,Only the other day one of a party taking a patient to the hospital was asked by the nurse, a refined, intelligent lady, the_ usual questions, one of which was, •'Where can I ring you up?" The address given contained the word "mercantile." •'Mercantile, spell it." Meantime she was writing it down. He waited till she had finished, then said, "Please, delete the 'h. , " She had written it "nierchantile."