A COLONIAL CELL.

Manawatu Times, Volume III, Issue 58, 19 July 1879, Page 2

A COLONIAL CELL.

[qontributed.] The other day as we were sitting m our Sanotum, "Nescio quid nugarum meditam," as Horace hath it, a loud rattling and banging was heard at the outer door, and an eccentric looking, shabbily dressed individual, rushing m, pushed a^ dirty, greasy packet into our hands. Before we recovered from the surprise which thii unwonted occurrence gave riso to, he had vanished, and though search was" made, no traces of him could be discovered.. We then turned our attention to the ostensible cause of his visit, to wit, the greasy packet^ which we gingerly opened, and whioh speedily rivetted our attention. Hardly had we finished reading -it when another individual, still more eccentric looking and seedy, was ushered m, and demanded "If a fellow had brought a bit of paper to .us ?" "Yes," we replied ; "Do you mean this?" pointing to the greasy packet. His face gleamed with Joy as he answered '',ye|;** and made a grab' at ' it. . "Not bo fast, niy fnend," we oa'd, and may we ask "If you are the person referred, to m this description ?V "Yes," he replied, " Give it me back, it is mine, my friend," . we replied, gravely; "In the interests; of the people of theManawatu, as guardian of their liberties, as one of the pillars of this noble and glorious institution, as a member of the fourth estate, we emphatically declined ; and since it has come into our, possession, shall give it forth to the public,, who little, inspect that such a prodigy is m their midst." At this he was speechless, and soon. after withdrew ; though, he returned eie long with the few words which will be found at the end. ',' . . . • ■ ; The contents of the greasy packet were as follows: — .2- , Ll2'-/-In the deep recesses of the bush not 100 miles from 'Falmelstoh Btapds a cell. It is ; built of slabs, and roofed with white jpine. shingles. At' one end is a chimney^half clayed up, on the left-hand side, standings with one's back to tho fire is the ■ door and the hermit's bed, and all around and on high are displayed the various articles.required by this extraordinary person. • Perhaps it may .interest .you to have them described. -First comes a tin-cannister with these suggestive words* outsidej'--" Creases Wellington Coffee, 'AX.'' Perchance you may think that this contained real Mocha or plantation ; -but ph further examination you would! perceive, or. rather experience, a rich "Sou Chongejrl or Moning Congouey scent, wliich would at once proclaim it 2.8. T. -;.."'-"■"- '■'■'■ : 22 ■■■■'■-■:' The next object of interest Jip this absolutely unique and priceless collection, is some aromatic : spice carefully wrappedin a piece of old newspaper. If this should attract your, nasal organ, woe-betide you, for your speech would be taken from, you for several minutes, and you would render yourself supremely ridiculous by the variety of contortions and grimaces^ the fits of sneesmg would. cause your features to assume. Need I say .that the contents, of this packet axe Finest Ground . White Pepper ? In a tone similar to No. 1, we again come to another "very useful, and'could'nt dp.without article of daUy diet. Some »mallcbilt j dreU even go so far as to pursue .smtll dickey-birds with it m their hands, 1 with an ultimate view of depositing some of it ontbe extreme end; of the said dickey-.Birdß'' tails, but as there are .no such youngsters, about the cell, this useful article' ii not put to such .bW.uses. ; A, still larger tin next calls for jour notice. Externally it denotes, by the .bull's head that its contents are Colman't mustard, but yon are not the only: one to be deceived by outward show, so curiosiyt will impel ypu to peep inside. It contains one of the ingredients used m the composition of little girls, who, if there be any truth m the old nursery; rhyme, are made of sugar and spice, and alltbat i» nice. Something of a mora stern^ and harder material next claims our notice. A round piece of iron lined with enamel,- off which the hermits eats his tri-daUyl portions. It's neighbour, though as ÜBef»l,« not of the same stubborn stuff, beipgmereljtbe drinking vessel of its master ; and made of white stoneware "■;." to~it follows six.capdies, commonly called a pound packet,. from thb fambuß and world-renowned Belmont Candle Works,v of the great Price; at BAttera-a. Outside the packet is a picture m which two black gentlemen, clothed m the garb of a hot climate, are respectively missing about with two ladles over the coppers of what appears to be boiling fat. A huge, pafcja. tree is not far off, and under it- stands another black gentleman .m a white, robe, with his night-cap on (he looks aUready-for bed) , and a small boy m the rear. There are some buildingß m tlie back ground.. .1 don't quite know what it means, perhaps it is . Look here, this is the sort of climate m which to. burn Price's Patent Belmont Sperni Candles. But to proceed as time presses, something white-mottled with blue meets our astonished-gaze. . What marvel of science is this? WTiat new prodigy ? Is it possible that this useful article is made m this Colony of New Zealand, and, too, at its capital; city— Wellington ? Ah | yes, even; so, ahdl can tell you m confidence, that Kitchen's soap is farbetterlbhan^Kitchen's candles. Now the next .is : a great secret, being an article which is not' always there for inspection. It is- the' answer to that celebrated and most extraordinary : conundrum— Flour qf England,, Fruit .of . Spain— meet, together m a shower of rain. Need I tell you that our friend the Hermit is not one of thpsp anchorites we read of ' who lived on a meagre 7 diet of bread and water, seasoned with a few herbs, Buoh as parsley and water-cress, but one who takes kindly'to his plum^uS when he can- get it. He told me that the inspection is the third part of one whole which he compounded some* few; days ago, and which, to prolong the enjoym'erit, he divided. Now, you must allow me, to introduce to you tlie only female companion, which tho hermit permits to share his solitude. And, indeed, were it not for the solace and consolation which she affords, he^tells me that his lot would be a dreary one indeed. Uncheered by her presence, apd the sweet masic of her voice, existence wppld become a blank, and the silent tomb woiild soon receive our -friend's remains. 'Tis true she is not beautiful to look at, a« her face is black, still she has charms.-of herowp which those who know her never fail tp appreciate, she never leaves her dwelling : placei ia. always at hand when her. services, are .required,""and never speaks o.r. sings, till spoken to. Honest and open bb the day ; she never offends by the bluntnesß of her speech, and her sweet song, has' often comforted and cheered the fainting spirits of the hermit's guests. , . Perhaps yon are curious" a^to the' name of this pink of perfection, this.paragon- amongst her sex ?• Well, well now, you mqstn't te".l the? hermit I told you. or. his friendship, would fail ma, and Ii should be. Undone.' Her hamothert' is, ah me I ''Susan," or," as. sho is familiarly called, " Suckey." By her. looks I can t«H she Was "raised " m ; that black town of Wolverhampton ; but on that subject, as on many others, her lips are sealed. lam rathw curious as to her -fv ..but that reiuftins:a hivßtcy, which 3 f^

afraid time will never solve. 'Notwithstanding all these virtues which I have ascribed to " Suckey." I have seen her really angry, hissing, bubbling, boiling over a regular spitfire. ;t-:'.but if at once, you remove the caiiie of all this heat, she immediately subsides ipto her '-proper calm self. again, and lets off her superfluous eteam by singing, even as Mr. iaunder's, m Marryat's "Poor Jack,' used to do. It is with regret that I quit this part of the description of the Her* mits surroundings, but m justice to the teapot and fryingpan I must pass on. Of - these, suffice it to say, that they are of the usud kind, and do their duty well. *• Thus having exhausted the contents of the cell, I must here make my bow, and bid my visitor adieu. : N.B.— l'll punch your correspondent's head when I find him out, but, nevertheless, this is a true account of.^.my. celL— -Yours, &0., Thb Hbbhit. June 18th, 1879.