UNDER THE MICROSCOPE

Manawatu Times, Volume III, Issue 30, 29 March 1879, Page 2

UNDER THE MICROSCOPE

"A ohiel's amang ye takin' notes, An' faith he'll prent 'em."

No doubt most of your r«aders have read of the traveller upon an American steamer who was highly indignant with a fellow-pas-senger because he would not let him use hie tooth-brush, but the cause of grievance is by no means so peculiar, or the request so. modest as that which lately caused a deadly breach between two bosom friends at Feilding. Mrs, Magguffin. had been having her likeness taken, and the phots, being on excellent one, had given her great pleasure. As a matter of course, its inspection had to be submitted to her altar ego, Mrs. Macginjail, and the enticing picture had the effect of making that lady resolve, to have her " cart drawn" likewise. Unfortunately for the latter, however, although her denticles were equally aa few and as frail as those of her friend, she had not taken a similar precaution to, disguise, the ravages of time; by supplying the absence of htr ivories by artificial mean,*, Wishing- to ap.pe.ar~ to the best advantage, then, Mrs. Macginniss thought she would draw at sight upon her stock of friendship, and. informing her visitor that she, too, would have her cc pictur -took," adding " An' I suppose, ma'am, ye. w,on't have no objections to lind us yer box o$ ivories for the sittin'." This was a claim upon which Mrs. Magguflm had not calculated, but she; quiokLy relieved herself from the. dilemma by the reply, " Upon the same, principle that me owld man will never lind his pipe to another, I regret, ma'am, I must be obligated- to refuse you." That statement was the death warrant to friendship, and mutual and bitter recrimination took the place of harmony. Mrs. Macginniss did not have her ".cart drawn," but the seal of silence which had hitherto been placed Uppn. her lips was violently flung aside, and the industry with which she set to work, to atone for her former reticence, by informing: her neighbors of Mrs. Mag.'* second-hand grinders, amply proved her heart was. m her work. Now when the pair meet, Mrs. Magguffln shows her. teeth — I beg pardon, somebody else's teeth — m a manner -which proclaims how willing she "would be to test the strength of her masticators upon her quondam friend ; while the other, not being able to gnash hers; is compelled to.gum it.

Orators and amateur newspaper correspondents when, they seek their effusion* and productions' in good black print, no doubt think they are marvellously,, clever follow*, little dreaming of the manifold and varied processes of manipulation to which, their utterances -are subjected-. . Although most recognise the improvements effected and pay., tribute to the art of the reporter, the editor, or his sub., there are occasionally some who indignantly repudiate any such doctoring, imagining that to do so, were to attempt to " paint the lily or adorn the rose." Such a one was. h,e, who sent a marriage notice, to a Southern journal m March, stating that the interesting event took place upon " th« 10th nib." To make the notice uniform the paper" put it "on 10th February," &o. *c. This called forth a scathing letter from the gentleman interested, upon the stupidity and ignorance of Press men, m which the . writer said the notice forwarded -was quite plain, as it said the marriage had taken place upon -the " 10th ult. of the present month." A little knowledge is a dangerous , thing, and I shudder to think what would be the feelings of the injured bride when another interesting event should have taken place, had her liage lord written " prox " instead of " ult." There would be ample food for scandal and calculation for Mrs. Grundy and her. friend Sairey Gamp.

The. voracity of the member* of "the \ Devil's Brigade " is a matter of both his- ■ tory and tradition, but the following little anecdote, for the. truth of which I c*h vouch, will go far to prove, that there are : tome of the profession possessed of tender consciences. In a town on the West Coast '■■ three lawyers are located, and by a somewhat singular coincidence a client of each happened to meet over brandy an,d ioda. Client No. 1. had just received hie account from Mr. Parchment, and offered to bet a new hat. that his legal adviser woujd tak» the palm for. the. originality of the. items and the modesty of- Jbis charges, \ wager which was eagerly accepted by Clients Nob. 2 and 3. Hands being shaken and glasses replenished, the. chaljeagor m auppprfc of his assertion narrated the fact that having to consult Mr. Parchment, he Galled- upon him for advice, but that gentleman being unable, to find a required work of; reference, could offer none, and with many apologies for the trouble, begged the inquirer to call the. following morning, w,hen the request was complied with, and the advice, received. " What do you think," says No. 1, with the air of a man who has had rare good luck " Ilfcuk d P %°k tkipXi % feM^Hw^ed- me

ts'x and eightpence because he could not advise me, and paused me to lose my time with a second-ytsit ?"■ " Pooh, pooh," says No. 2. " Pooh, pooh, man, that's nothing. Why you know, old Skinner,,who writes such a beastly band that no one dan read it. Well, I went to him for a .written advice and got it, b\it when I brought it home and •tried to decipher it, I might as well hare endeavored to translate ah Assyrian tahlet. For three days I pored over it, and 1 on the fourth I interviewed Skinner with a request that he. would read it to me. He did so, but by the Lord Harry he stuck down half a soy. for his trouble, and flourished the Supreme Court m my face when I meekly expostulated." " Well, Greenly,", says No. 8, "I admit that the conscientious Skinner squeezed you pretty tightly, but were he to know how Flint put the screw on me, he would never forgive himself for his leniency to you. A friend asked me to get a bit of land transferred for him, and. l called on Flint to tell him that I would give him the job, and would call with my friend'on the following day. The old rascal was all bows and. scrapes to me, but when the bill of particulars was furnished, I found that he had made me pay for Mb politeness, as the very first item was : — ' To conferring with Mr. Blank re transfer, 6s. Bd.' My friend objected point-blank to the charge, but Flint, true to his name and nature also, urged the etiquette of the profession ; he received the amount, and I returned it to my friend. So, gentlemen, you will see theliberal commission I received for providing food for a cormorant of the law." No. 3 certainly lost his 63. Bd., but the losing of it has made him the possessor of two brand new hats.