UNDER THE MICROSCOPE

Manawatu Times, Volume III, Issue 32, 1 March 1879, Page 2

UNDER THE MICROSCOPE

"A chiel's amang ye taktn' notes, An' faith he'll prent 'em." ,

" For tricks that are dark, the Heathen Chinee is peculiar." I do not know whether John Chinaman has ever heard of the saying that 4i necessity is the mother of invention," but whether he has or ha 3 not, he is evidently aware of that fact, and acts upon it. A hostelry not a tbou3and miles from Palmerston rejoiced m the possession of a Celestial whose chief recommendation m the eye 3of Boniface was his experience m all the mysteries connected with the cuisine. A few days after his arrival, by an unlucky accident", he upset the cochineal which had been m tue for coloring the blanc mange, and not wishing to apply to the landlord for a further supply, he* hit upon the following happy expedient. The evening before, the housemaid had purchased a bottle of Judson's Dye wherewith to change the trimming of her hat. Laying hold of this, the ingenious Mongolian mixed it scientifically with his dish, and he consequence was that when produced at table the Mane mange was of a brilliant Magenta hue. So enticing was its appearance that there was a more than usual demand for " help," yo.ung Mountmorris, who profe3se3 to be a connoisseur, pronouncing professionally upon the exsellense of its merit 3. "When the dish had been emptied, and the diners had time to raise their eyes from their plates, the waiter was startled by hearing a simultaneous burst of laughter from those seated at the table. A3 each looked into the face of his vis a vis, instead of the usual row of ivorio3, there wa3 a range of tusks red a3 the " king ball " at Milliards. The effect was most ludicrous. Jones looked at Smith and the smile developed into a broad grin ; while Brown, after a glance at Eobinson, burst into a loud guffaw. It was excellent fund, and all thoroughly enjoyed it — for a time, — but when it was discovered but too truly that the dye w«s " warranted to stand,'.' the tune was quickly changed. Then there was "weeping and wailing and toaahing of teeth," but, like the warrior's shield, " nothing could take the stains away." For six whole days no monk 3of La Trappe were morse silent than tho3e six young men ; the usual chatter was a thing of the past, pintotnimic gestures taking the place of expressed wants, ever and anon varied with a. scowl at the atfcendent G-anymede, whose appreciation of the joke was of a much longer duration than that of the victims. Somehow the story got abroad, and the Silent Six are now looked upon as the loaders m this new fashion — a rival to the old cu3tom of curling the teeth.

I was talking to a Fitzherbert man the other day — one of the noble nineteen — and and he made a very excellent suggestion, or rather gave a reason -why the Foxtonian3 should advocate a communication with Fitzherbert. If a railway were formed between the two, a mutual exchange could be effected — Foxton forwarding some of the— eh:— rrich loam for which it is so celebrated ; and Fitzherbert, a specimen of the clay spoken so highly of by that renowned geologist, Ernest S. Thvnne, Esq. As fira and water make an excellent amalgam, a like result might be expected from the trial proposed. And by, the way, referring to that vexed question, • the rival routes, the same gentleman draw my attention to a matter which appears to have entirely escaped my Foxton friends, and that was, that sup* posing the railway from Wellington should go to Foxton, do those simple-minded people imagine that it will be a terminus ? Because if they do, I am afraid they will lia very much mistaken. No, the terminus— if ever the railway does pass that way — will be at Carnarvon, and all the good the railway will do for Foxton is to shoot passengers and'parcels, trucks |and travellers, past their very doors, ignoring and ruining their their port. Do fc'ioy* imagine that would be thn junction ? Folly, supreme folly ! Noj, it would become a wayside station, as afteja slight stoppage the train would proceed on for six miles further, where the junction would b,e— one portion branching off for Palmerston, the other for Sandon. Think on it, my friends, and look before you leap. You will be helping the Hon. Robert Campbell and: Mi*. Larkworfchy to send their produce direct to Wellington, and voxir town which is now a terming , would no longer be ons ; your "port which now has trade, and can have more, would be left out m the cold for the quicker and more direct route to Wellington. At t*ie present time t!ie great drawback to shipDers hv the Port of Foxton is the v«xatiou* charge* f .-ir wharfage, (fee, and do the simple-minded people imagine that if Me.«r3. Campbell and Larkworthy were to hive a chinie of putting j their goods on a trur'k and merely paving mileage to Wellington, they would eldt to have them pent to Foxton, iinloidei, whar.---f-ige and other dues charged, with proapaota of delay m transmission. Beside m the one eaie t\e moment the goods are on the truck the farmer or mill-owner could draw for the money, while by sievsjer, be3ide tfie extra delay and expanse, the vendor cannot dr-ysf far his npia^ ypf£ the gweb aw

a lout. .Nut likely ; t len, 1 siiy again, my friends, t link well on it. Now you have a railway tj your port, and there is no option m the matter of export, and remember tho very suggestive fable of the Dog, the Bone, and the Shadow.

The las', squeeze administered to the " Squealer " has made it show its teeth an-ain, but its whine is of the most feeblo character. It attempted to be funny, ,but the role was so new to it that it lost its way, floundering about m the sink of its own vacuity, it waa forced to appeal to its riral for help, and re-iterate the joke.-already uttered. If the facetious writer of the "Squealer " luy the flittering unction to his soul that he ever possessed a particle of mother wit, then certainly ha is one of those of whom Pope, m his " Essay ou Criticism," writes, " Some to whom Heaven m wit haa been profuse, want as much more to tura it to its use." MAGGT7FEIN.