UNDER THE MICROSCOPE.

Manawatu Times, Volume III, Issue 18, 4 January 1879, Page 2

UNDER THE MICROSCOPE.

[By MAGOFPIN.]

5f A phiel's amang'ye takip' "«Qte,s. An' faith he'll prent 'em.*! ; ".»•

j^lt is:-;well known .{.hat • ther^ave ce^ain cquntries'in whiclua' maji's " b.e|terrh"iUf ". does not, take a very liigh place-as a cprn"'ingrciai item ; but ■ I /was certainly under the impression that the. reverse, was Mhe nile m possessions oyer which oiir' ; Gracious -^jueen litlcls s.way. v jAriyTone., h6wevef',"'\cisading the" records of tlie last criminal sittings qf the Melbourne ..Supreme Court wquW no--doubt arrive, at -a different : conclusion: >LOnthat occasion two ; prisoners were charged— the orie with causing the death of _ his.. Jf'fe. by brutality j aiicj the other, maliciously wounding a calf. In the first case the ; offender received, qqe month's 'imprisonmnent ; and jn the Second, a sentence of- six months was inflicted. What is tlie infor- - . ence ? That the unfortunate human victim was of ?ar less value thai> r the qiiadruped-rr-in fact, just one-sixth. To carrj'^the reason^ ing a litthTTarflieF? If six months be the pqiia^tj for wounding a calf, pres^^m^ had the animal reached maturity as a eovy, tliQ crime would bq prqportionately greater, say Twelve months for wounding, and double .that for its destruction ; whereas should a man take .the v -life of an unfqrtunate.woman and escape with, one moiitsh, *.t is. m,qst; likely that child- miirder wq<dd r not . be viewed as a punishable offence at. a11.!.. With Judge Crusoe I ask — Why do we ;wOiider at crime ? ; We hsar. a gy,qat de.^l nowadays ab^oqt the wonderful effect of the galvanic battery, and thd resuscitation pf deadrinea ,tp (life once mcjre, but trust inte the most powferfhl motqr. for bringing the. defunct back, from that "bourne,' &c," is ail" obituary notice of the deceased which depa,i"ls from the' usua" flatt*ering language of epitaphs. The editor of a p)aper recently received the following note from a subscriber asking that a faUe notice of his death might be corrected : " Sir i notds a few errors m the obitrarj' of myself ; wjiich appeared m your paper on Wensday, my! retirement from busnis m 1869, was not •owing to ill iielth, but tv a little troudje i had m connexion with a horse and the cors of my death was not sma.l-pqxv - pleasemake corrections for which i enclose halfacrown." This, however, is not so bad as the subscriber who on. bejng dunned by an impecunious editor for a long-standing subscrip'iqn, promised to pay n- on a certain day/ adding, "If I am alive you] will have the cash as promised." The time' of liquidation came, and passed without bringing the loqked-fqr, remittance, and m the next issue an obituary notice of the party m question. A few days after, an excited individual might have been seen rushing into; the newspaper oflice, and, giving very decided proofs that if he had '"• sliufiled off the mortal coil," it h^d not deprived him of the use of speech! 'The irate stranger wis the delinquent debtor, who came to resent the notice of his decease, when the following conversation ensued :—Subscriber : "By whose authority did you announce my d;eath.?" Editor: "By your .own." Sub.: ''Never, Sir; I never tfjd you I was dead !" Editor : " Pardon trie, but you did. Did you not tell me that if you were alive you would pay ,yo\ii» Aili^-on such a day. Weil, as ~ybtr •failed* to* do so, knowing you to be an honest truthful *mnn, I presumed you were not m the land of ;the •living, and stated so." A light dawned upon 1 the visitor, and when he took his leave he held m his hahda receipted account, sincerely vowing to make no r^sji, p^prUjiaes m future. :.".-.■ -.-. — Swift to reply, and ready of ipventiop. An apt auswer to the First Napoleon was the means of changing a driimir,er'< stick- into a Marshal's baton, and although m those prosaic days wealth and fame may not be«o easilyjwon, mother wit and happy repartee is none the less rare, as the following graceful release, frpm the horns of a dilemma, wili testify. A certain promising young member of the " Devil's Brigade," hot a hundred miles from Palmerston, was lately taken to task by a client who had. repeatedly called on a certain. 6)>\j. at the sanctum pf the firm, but always to find the door closed. Being questioned as to the cause of absence, the delinquent at first denied Ijhe impeachment, but finding that plea' untenable, inquired, " You are. quite sure you knocked F" "Oh, quite sure," .was the response. "And equally sure that'yqu.got ho answer, I presume?" "Yes, quite certian." "Ah," said parchment, with an imperturbability worthy of an anchorite ; "ah ! by Jove, I see it ! Wednesday t VVednesday ? Why that was the day upon which we .were stock-taking, and of course had to lock the, door during ihe operation."- '" Ob, indeed," said tlie client ; " oh, that accounts for. it ; I thought it must be something important to keep you av(ay aijl day." I caught a glimpse of the, young hopeful's eye at-the, time, and the knowing wink returned'con■vineacl him that I too had been stocktaking, while the simplerininded countryman departed quite satisfied. It was some-, what a coincidence that the stock-taking and the Rangit&ei .Races should fall upon one and the same day. Being a lover of .peace and quietness, niorefy make this remark incidentally, but as a matter of curiosity I would like to peruse the inventory of stock m a lawyer's qifice. 1 iuiagine.it would sell well at'a gift auction."