DEOLLERIES OF THE AMERICAN BENCH.

Manawatu Times, Volume II, Issue 92, 5 September 1877, Page 3

DEOLLERIES OF THE AMERICAN BENCH.

[From " Chambers's Journal."] Droll things are reported of the bench and bar m the United States. Perhaps all that is said of them m the newspapers may have a tinge of exaggeration ; but we do not doubt that there is a considerable substructure of truth. What, indeed, hut odd sayings and doings can be expected from judges who are appointed by universal suffrage, and may m many cases be little better than the boon-companions of the culprits who' are apt to come judicially before them. We cull a few drolleries, of the American .bench for the amusement of our readers. Wearied beyond endurance by the tediousness of along-winded pleader, i a Kentuckian judge put himself out of his misery and his tormentor out of.countenance by suddenly exclaiming : " If the court is right, and she thinks she air, why then you are wrong and she knows you is. Shut up !V Almost as rude m speech, was Judge Dowling, who after serving as fireman and police-officer, became by election one of the magistratesof the Empire City. " What are youreadfrom,s ir ? " asked he of a counsel. " From the statute of 1876, your Honour," was the reply. "Well," saidDowling, "youneed't read any more ; I'm judge m this court, and my statutes are good enough Jaw for anybody !" This worshipful gentleman plumed himself upon deciding according to the equities of the case," law and precedent to the contrary notwithstanding ; they went for nothing with him. They did not go for much more with the western admininistrator of i the law, Judge Alec Smith. A divorce case being called on, he, addressing the plaintiff's -representative, said : "I don't think people ought to be compelled to live together ' when they don't want to do so., I will- decree a divorce m this case ;" and the parties concerned were there- v | upou declared to be no longer roan , and wife. Presently the defendant's lawyer appeared, and was not a little surprised to.find all was settled, that the judge had decided withouthearing one side, much less . both. He protested against such' over-hasty proceedings, and appealed tq the court to redress the wrong it had committed. ' The court not being inclined' to own itself infault, he was informed it was .too late, to raise objections; the, decree had been pronounced ; but if - hh r 'wanted ' to .argue the case "right had," the court would marry the parties again, and .let him have a crack for it. When Miss Amelia Donnerschley claimed two hundred dollars -from, faithless Augustus Berker for breach of promise, the- gentleman justified* his conduct on the plea that after duelling under -the same roof with 1 the young lady and her mamma for_ eight months, he" found it so impossible to live comfortably with the one, that he was compelled to cry off with the other. The judge inquired if the mother puposed living with her- daughter after marriage,, and receiving an affirmative answer, asked the defendant whether he would rather live with his mother-in-law or pay two hundred dollars. " Pay two hundred dollars," was the prompt reply. Said the judge : " Young man, let me shake bands with, you, - There was a time m my life when I was m the same situation as you are m now. Had I possessed your firmness, I should have been spared twenty-five 1 years of trouble. 1 had the alterna- ' tive of marrying or paying a hundred and twenty -five dollars. Being poor, I married; and for twenty-five years have I regretted it., .1 am happy to meet with a man of your stamp. -The plaintiff must pay ten dollars ' and costs for having thought of i putting a gentleman under the do— 1 minion of a mother-in-law." The much-married dignitary was not bo susceptible to the charms of the sex as his brother of lowa, who refused to 1 fine a man ior kissing a girl against her will, because the complainant was so temptingly pretty that 1 nothing but ian overwhelming

sense of its dignity prevented the court kissing her itself. It is lucky for an offender when his judge puts himself m his place ; justice is sure then to be tempered with mercy, as m the case of the snatcher of spoons brought before a Georgian court many years ago. Bela , Brown, who then went the circuit 'as 1 ; judge, was an able man, m equal repute as a lawyer and as boon-com-panion. The night before the court was to open- at Dayton, his Honour went to a tavern kept by Sterrit, and had such a good time of it with his legal friends that by midnight he ■was? not quite so sober as a judge should be. Somebody cleared the j table of all its spoons,* and put them [ inio the unconscious gentleman's ! pocket. He was greatly perturbed at finding them there nexts morning. They were Sterrit's spoons without doubt, for they bore the landlord's initials. "Polly," said the judge to hi's wife, ""was I 'tipsy when I came home?" " Yes," said she. "You know youc habits when you get among those lawyers." Much relieved in-hismind,thejudge declared he could understand how the spoons came into his possession. " That fellow keeps the meanest liquor m the States; but I never supposed it would make a man steal/ A day or two afterwards, a man was arrainged for 1 arceny ; he pleaded I guilty, but urged lie was intoxicated when he committed the offence. " What' s the natu re of the charge ? ' ' inquired Judge Brown. " Stealing money from the till at i Sterrit's tavern," replied the clerk. • "Young man," said the judge solemnly, " are yon sure you were tipsy when you took this money ? " " Yes, your Honour,; when I went - outdoors the ground kept coming up and hitting me on the head." "That will do. Did you get all your liquor at Sterrit's ? " "•Every drop, sir." Turning to the prosecuting attorney, the judgesaid: " You will dome the favour of entering a nolleprpsequi ; that liquor of Sterrit's I have reason to know is enough to make a man do anything dirty. I got tipsy *on it myself the other night, and stole all his spoons. If Sterrit will sell such abominable stuff he ought not to have the protection of this court. — Mr Sheriff, you may release the prisoner." - Like the sailor who objected to his captain preaching and flogging too; offenders generally do not appreciate being suitably ladmonished as well as punished: and no doubt the Californian felt ' annoyed when, through incautiously demurring to the magistrate reproaching " him with having no ambition, he found himself put to the question with : " Where is it, sir ? Where is it ? Did you ever hear of Cicero taking free lunches ? Did you ever hear that Plato through the alleys of Athens? Did you ever hear Demosthenes accused of sleeping under a coal-shed ? If you would be a Plato, there would be a fire m. your eye ; your hair would have an intellectual cut ; you'd step into a clean shirt ; and you'd hire a mow-ing-machine to pare those fingernails. You have got to go up for four .months ! " The Honourable Kaih Eodgers, commonly called Old" Kye, presiding m a.Louisiana court, thus spoke his mind to a delinquent named Kettles : " Prisoner, stand up ! Mr Kettles, .this court is under the painful necessity of passing sentence of the law upon you. This court has no doubt, 'Mr Kettles, but what you were brought into this scrape by the use of intoxicating liquors. The friends of this court all know that if there is any vice this court abhors it is intoxication. When this court was a young man Mr Kettles., it was considerably inclined to drink,- and the friends of this court know that this court has naturally a very high temper : and if this court had not t stopped short off, I have no doubt, ' sir, but what this court, sir, x would have been m the Penitentiary or m its grave." -