News in a Nutshell.

Manawatu Standard, Volume IV, Issue 211, 2 August 1884, Page 2

News in a Nutshell.

"A fare saved is a beer gained," remarked Smith as he walked into town If you want to find out whether* man is a bachelor or a man of family, give him a baby to hold. • "Papa's Home To-night" is the title of the latest song. Late hours fetch them all, sooner or later. , It is not much of a compliment, after all, to say that a man is sound. Some men are nothing but sound. It is said that a young lady and her mirror sometimes make a little muta»l admiration society. Happiness has no abiding place 'but often is very near at hand, like the old woman's spectacles. Leap year parties are popular- At these gatherings, the girls yell "mouse 1" and the men jump on chairs and shriek.

A swell went to a fancy-dress-ball ai a donkey, and bis friends said it was the first tune ho erer failed to make an ass of himself. A doctor considers tight-lacing a public benefit, inasmuch as it kills off the foolish girls, and leaves the wise ones to" grow into women. '•No, sir, 1 ' isaid the passenger to the ship's doctor, '«I ana not sea-sick, but I am decidedly disgusted with the motion of the vessel." "Dar is many a rule," says tfncle Sam. "Wat won't work bofe ways. Whisky will produce a headache, but a headache won't produce whisky." A man may forget home, kindred, friends, and almost everything else, but he never forgets the first time he went to a barber's shop to be Bhaved. Too much study is said to affect the mind. A teacher of our acquaintance says that he knows a number of cases where it would affect it very favorably, too. , * When a man reaches the top «£ * stairway and attempts to take another step higher, the sensation is as. perplex* ing as if he had attempted to kick a dog that wasn't there. An Indiana jury recently returned a written verdict of to peces by thebilerbustin." "That artist is a friend of yours, is he hot?" " Well, yes; he used to be, but one day he was fool enough to ask me. how I liked his pictures, and I wa*3ool enough to tell him.." An exchange says, "What wffl the bachelors do to escape the awful girls ?** Well, about the easiest way ie to many a handsome one at once. The awful ones won't trouble you then. •The Indianapolis Journal says that the average citizen wants a lock with four key-holes.— Unless, the average citizen has improved very much of late one keyholois abont all he can find, * "Where is the girl of long age"sing» Joaquin Miller. We saw her the other day, Joaq. But she isn't agirl any more. She had grey bair and a wart on her nose, and no teeth, and wow specksw When the papers speak of a prize-ring' they mean the cirole m which a prize- ; fight is held, but the girls will have it that the real prize-ring is the little golden band to signify their engagement. "Jury," said a Western . judge, u Yob can go out and find a verdjot. If you can't find one of your own, get the one tho last jury used." The jury returned! with a verdict of "Suicide m the ninth degree." "Jfever I marry, I sha'nt seek for mind, mind is too cold. Vl\ choose an emotional woman." "Dont do it, w eagerly exclaimed his bald-headed friend, "dont do it, I implore you. My wife ia an emotional woman. 1 *