MISCELLANEOUS.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume III, Issue 164, 26 April 1872, Page 3

MISCELLANEOUS.

Swift used-to say that the people of his generation Had imbibed just enough religion to hate, but not nearly enough to love, one another.

A. working man requested his wi f e in a ballroom' to hold the baby of another .man's he danced with:the baby's mother—but she did'ut hold.it. Some wives are too'disobedient to put up with: Some literary ladies, being asked how they could be sufficiently interested in astronomy to spend so much time in watching the heavens, replied, " that they had a great curiosity to see whether there was really a man in the moon !" .;

. What do you mean by a cat and dog life?" said a husband to his angry wife. " Look at Carlo and Kitty asleep on tbe rug ; I wish men lived half as gracefully with their wives." "Stop," said the Jady ; " tie them together, and see how they will agree." A gentleman fond of using; : high-nown language so metimes makes very laughable mistakes. He had the honour of presiding at a suriday-schoolfcelebration, and after one of the speeches he addressed the andience, telling them that they would now have "some vofcal music by the brass band." The_y tell of a coloured girl who rushed

! mtan T riatij ex lost brother I" She soon 'dL*covo?"ed her mistake, and rushed off, in a confused maimer,- accompanied by her long-lost brother's pocket-Book! pf Koger tells a story of a. minister named fJampbell, of Lilliesleaf, who, oppressed with, heat in the inside of a crowded stage-coach, got instant, air-arid elbow-room by pretending' htd been bit by a mad dog," and commenceing to "bow; wojv, wough, wough." 1 Frenchman—' you charge ver mooch too bigTprice for zat room." Landlady—" Oh, you know, we at the watering places must make hay while the sun shines." .Frenchman (indig-nant)-'-"Madame, you^allnevaremake ze hay of me. . You must not sink zat because all flesh is grass zat you can make hay of me." J' •'; Judge , in reprimanding ■'■ a. criminal, among other names, called hiin *eoundrel. The prisoner replied," Sir I ;im not so big a scoundrel as ' your honour"—here the culprit stopped, but finally added—"takes me to be." " Put .your words closer together," said the judge, reddening, An April Fool.—An elderly- Aberdeen lady, telling her age, remarked that she was born on the 22d of AprflL Her husband, who waß at present, opserved, " I always. thought yon were borne on the _st of April." " People: might well judge so," responded the matron," in the choice I made for a husband."

A joke is told by the boatman of the Bay of Naples of the Wapping sailor in the Mediterranean, who called out to his shipmates one morning, when there happened, after six months' clear weather, to be a slight fog, " Turn out boys—turn out ! Here's weather, a* weather—none of your Wowed blue? sky!" - . . ■. ..,.,.: Tom bought a gallon of gin to take home ; and, by way of a label, wrote his name upon a card which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied it tothe handle, .Sheridan, coming, along, and observing the jug, quietly remarked, " That's an awful careless-way to leave that liquor !" " Why ?" said Tom. " Because some one might come along with the eight of clubs and take it."

A man sentenced to be hanged, prayed/foi£ afreprieye, on the ground that he had a sore throat, which rendered him unfit for the operation of hanging y. he feared, he said, that the most alarming consequences might ensue, if he were hanged in his present condition.

Foote being scolded by one of the actresses, said, " I have heard of tartar and of brimstone, but you are the cream of the one and the flower of the other."

An Irish labourer, sick of the thraldom of strong drink, introduced himself lately to the magistrates of Southwark, and proposed to "gobail".before them to .keep the following pledge (which he produced in. writing) .-j—----"Take notice that Pether Hogan of Caslragin in the countie of keri hear by taiks his Oth nevir to dhrinke a glas of sperret good bad or indifferent, only to kepe down the vigetables." An amusing blunder was made by a copying law dork who prided himself on bemg a dead hand at expanding crabbed abbreviations of " legal text."' It being his duty on one occasion to copy a declaration is which the plaintiff sued the defendant for "breaking aud entering his close, and digging up several trees there," the zealous scribe expanded the ideas as well as the words, and engrossed in his very finished flourishes " for breaking and entering his clothes, and digging upseveral of the old trustees there !"