MISCELLANEOUS.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume III, Issue 163, 19 April 1872, Page 3

MISCELLANEOUS.

An American met a small cockney in full Highland costume at an inn in the North, and, after eyeing .him for some time with intense curiosity, exclaimed, " Stranger, I guess Rob hoy would have been tarnation disgusted to have seen you iri that petticoat. Miss Mary.—" 'Now, ■■ Harry, if you are a doctor, prescribe for me. I've had a very bad pain about my heart. What can I take ?" Dr. Harry (thinkthis the bestopportunitybehad)—'"l've no doubt as to what is the be3t remedy to take —take me !"

Why are women like churches ? First, because there is no living without one ; secondly', because there is many aspire to them; thirdly, they are objects of adoration; and lastly, but by no means leastly, because they have a loud clapper in. their up per "storey. . The engineer of an ocean steamer —a North Briton —on being asked lately why it was that the chief engineers of. almost all the fir.e steamers afloat were' Scotsmen, answered, " Weelj ye see, the Irish are just quite oot o.' the question; and as for the English; somehoo or ither it's no iii them.'-'

Cheap Liee—After a battle fought in Scotland a brother soldier stumbled upon a Highlander, who was busily eugaged in stripping the body of-an English officer, aud wanted to partake of the spoil; " Na, na," said Donald, " I canna allow you.; you must go and kill a; shentleman for yoursel'." The 'Value o? Time.—The chancellor D'Aguesseaii, finding that his wife' always kept him' waiting a quarter of an hour after the 'dinner bell had rung, resolved to devote the time to writing a book-on jurisprudence, arid, putting the project into execution, in course of time produced a work in. three quarto volumes. —Book of Days. A young fellow, not so wise as Solomon, eating Cheshire cheese full of mites one night at a tavern —" JS ow" said he, " I have done as much as Samson, for I have slain my thousands and ten thousands." " Yes," answered one of the company, " and with the same weapon too, the jaw-bone of an ass." ;- Making Sure.—Captain IST , who • lately arrived at Boston, w.hen going up to the' wharf, ordered an Irishman to ; throw over the buoy ; and going below a few minutes, he called -to the Irishman, I and asked him if had thrown the buoy. " No," said he; "I could not catch the boy, but I threw over the old cook !" " Come, doctor," said a sinner to a clerical saint, " I can give you a treat —a bottle of claret forty years old." The doctor was in raptures, and eagerly accopted the invitation, when to his dismay, the expected quart proved only to be a pint, bottle. ' " Wae's me," said he, taking it up in his hand, " but it's unco wee o' its age 1"

A Yankee paper, wanting to compliment a live stock journal, says it is edited by a man whose head is chuck full of live.stock. An ill-humored wi'e, ;i busing her husband on account of His mercenary «.:imposition, told him that if she was dead he would uiurry Satan's eldest daughter if lie could 'get any thin .r by i'l. ' That's true,' replied the im>-ban(i : ' !>nt lit worst of it is, in I\:ni':':'d cue (an": marry two bisters.'

Treating, a Discussiqnj X party o* srenilemen "in" a liquor saloon, disputing whether the A merican system of;tr,e;iting or the European system of not treating preferable, couldn't ;settlq. the matter by talking, and so they went to work testing the matter, by practice. First each man took a drink by himself Then each man: invited .'a single ffieud to drink, and each single friend returned thp compliment: '-'Mid/ finally, each man in the party —there are six of them—asked all fihe rest to drink.

When all that"was accomplishedj-not a soul in the room' "could" tell where the discussion originated or what. it. was about. -. - -• -^ A small boy, being called.. up"" as a witness in a ]Ne\v ¥brk court, and asked, by.Mt'O. S. Spencje-r what, they do to persons who swear to a lie, replied, " They make policemen out of 'em." Miss Moore has succeeded her father, jCapt. ,T. S. ,Modre, ; as lighthouse keeper at Black, Connecticut. Having assisted him for the last fifteen years, she is presumed to know how the old thing works. ...

The father' -of Dorabelia ' recently found • tbat little. girl's. chubby, 'little hand full of the blosoih's of a favourite rose tree, on which he had - bestowed great care. "My dear," said he, ''OKUi't I tell you not to pick one of those flowers without leave?"'" Yes, papa, said DoraHella, but all these had leaves," A Sunday-school teacher.iout West, upon inquiring of .one of his juvenile pupils wbat.he Jiadrlea/rned during; the week, was' electrified ( by the.ans.wei*! that he "had " learned not to trump' ner's ace." t .

lu Pennsylvania recently'a train ran.from Harris burgh via Reading to Alleji--town, a distance of ninety miles, in twohours and forty minutes, including stopsconsuming twenty-five minutes. The running l time was about forty miles am hour. " ; •' '' - l "■

Colonel; H..-D. Cook of Normal, 111.,, has patented an iron shingle roof. The shingles are about six by thirteen inches,., lap each other so as to insure a waterproof roof,:and are fastened by headless nails. The patent is said to be less expensive, than slate.

The editor of a Texas paper says : " The facetious editor of the "is engaged in a philosophical experiment to ascertain how large a falsehood it is possible for a given number of words,to, express." The result must have been! successful, as the first-named editor - describes it as a double-barrelled whopper. . "''""._ . - • The' musical jubilee" for which ' Bos- l ton is now preparing, is .to. be held mabuilding 882 feet long, 422 -feet- wide, and 172 feet high, and the roof is to be , c supported by arches springing from the ground on each side and'at : tKe ; 'ends..,. The building erected for the musical ~ festival of 1869 was only 500 feet : long and 300 feet broad. '-■•..••■

The Boston" Transcript says, in ] an alliterative strain—'.Tlie special needs of Chicago, the city of cinders, are five C'sr—Coverlids, coffee, candles, coal and cash.' ' ...

The Bev. Hamilton Paul,' on receiving the presentation to the church parish of Broiighton, near Edinburgh, - preached a farewell sermon to the ladies of Ayr ; and not a little to the surprise of his fair auditory, gave but his text: —' And they fell upon Paul's neck, and kissed him!'

' And it is upon the oaths of thim two witnesses yer honour's going to condimn me ?' said Pat to, the judge about to pass sentence upon" him. 'said . the judge ; ' their testimony was ample to convince the jury of" your guilt.' 1 Och, murther !' exclaimed Pat,' to condimn me on the oath of two spalpeens who swear they saw-me take the goods, when I can bring a hundred; who willswear they, didn't see me do it.',., ,-. Ji

So lloway's.Ointment and Pills.— GHad Tid- ;. ings.—Some constitutions -have, a .tendency to- ■ rheumatism, and a're-throughout the year borne down by its protracted tortures;. Let such sufferers bathe the affected parts with -warm--brine, and afterwards rub in this soothing Ointment. r J l-i y wiiiftiid it thr-bestmesns of lessening their cgoiir, and,, assisted by Holloway's Pills, the surest", way of overcoming tbeir disease. More need i.et be said than to request a Jew dfjs' trial of ibis safe md soothing treatn.ei t, lj \d.:tl tit dibtase vi_'lultimately L«- unjlacij yv.q,i cvrny. Paius that would'* m.- ke a giant shudder aie without dif(tci'Mv by KoPoway's easy and inexpensive remeI'.hf, vl.ul to--'(.•• >j fife biiig- Yf&Lt.s uLti calming the excited nerve*..