MISCELLANEOUS.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume III, Issue 161, 5 April 1872, Page 6

MISCELLANEOUS.

An Exception.—The following correspond ence is said to have taken place between a merchant and one' of his cus-1 tomers: —" Sir, your' account' has ' beenJ standing for two' years; I niust have it settled immediately." 'Answer: " Sir, things usually do settle by standing, Iregret that my account is an exception. If it has been standing too' long, suppose you let it run a little." "Good morning, Mr Smith. On the sick list to-day?" "Yes, sir; goi the ague." "Do you ever shake ?" " Yes, shake fearfully." " When do you shake again ?" " Can't' say when ; shakeevery day.' WTiy do you ask ?" "Oh, nothing in particular; only I thought if you shook so bad I'd like to stand by' and see' if'you wouldn't' shake the five dollars out of your pocket which ydu i have owed me so long!" " Bob, where's the State of Matrimo-' riy ?"' ''" It's' one/of the' TJnited States. It is' bounded by hugging and kissing on J one side, and cradles and babies oh the other. Its chief products are population, broomsticks, and out late o' nights. It was discoveredby Adam and Eve, while trying to find a north-west passage out of Paradise.",

Cotjrt {Scene.—Judge (to "rich merchant from 'Rotterdam") —Q. 'What's native language ? A. Ipe native; I's a Doofehman. Q. What's your mother tongue ? —A. Fader say she pe all tongue together. Q. What tongue did you speak in the cradle ? A. I did riot speak in cradle at all; I only cried in Dutch. Twas no use trying again. Elder sister, to her brother about six summers—"O you wicked, badboy ! put down that pipe directly, sir, or I'll box your ears for you! Junior brother, who has been smoking—" Box my ears if you dare ! I'll go and tell papa you let. cousin Jack kiss you twice behind thfe ! door yesterday." NJB. —A truce was agreed upon. - - •

Fine Art Criticism.—-A. 1 , shrewd North country farmer was lately shown by his factor' through the proprietor's' mansion. Some remarkably fine statues adorned the hall, aiid the farmer's attention was drawn to tnem.; On his return to" the factor's House the lady'asked him whetherhe had admired the statues. " Hoot aye," said the decent man ; " but ,1 canna say T ever had ony great fancy" for' statie lassies !"' "I like to'see the dear little creatures amusing themselves," said Mrs Brown when, her elder boy took her visitor's new bonnet and fastened it to the tail of his kite. " . Never fear," said the good matron to her visitor, when she saw her bonnet in the air; " as soon as the kite comes down he will give it to you."

Motto foe. Babbit Poachees.— " Not particular to a hare." " I wish you-had been Eve," said an. urchin to a stingy old aunt, proverbial 1 for her meanness." "Why so?" " Because," said he, "you would have eaten all the apple, instead'.of dividing it." A Scotceman's Definition of METaphysics.—" When the folks wha listen dinna ken the meaning o' what they hear, and when, the man who speaks dinna ken what he jmeans his ainsel'—that's meetafissicks." :.

G-boi) Enough foe the Money. : —An Indian being asked what he did for a living, replied, " O me preach!" " Preach ?" said a bystander ;" do you get paid for it " " Sometimes me get a shillin', sometimes two shillin'." "And isn't that mighty poor pay?" " 0 yes, but it's mighty poor preaching."

Since the late meeting at the Forbury a good many of the horsesV engaged in different contests have changed hands. Our sporting readers will, we are sure, be glad to learn that the excellent hurdle race mare", Medora, remains m the Province, she having been purchased by Mr. E. Pritchard. Kildare has fallen to the lot of' Mr. J Smith; and Mr. Keemwas successful in obtaining possession .of the" venerable Pilgrim. Minx now calls Mr. 'W. H. .Taggart master ; while Mr. E. Devine shows his appreciation of the genuine article by the'purchase'of the shapely Burgundy. Master, Morris, has fallen from his "high estate to the position,of a gentleman's hack in the stables of Mr. Scott, . and Jennie has" been' obtained by Mr. J. Hastie for" his private use.—-Times. \. telegram from Auckland dated the 28th uIV. says that the share market is in an excited state. Bismarck shares are at 30s. The Green Harp Co. are "raising some splendid quartz, and the Grolconda and other claims are!, also \ yielding ; rapidly. Caledonian shares are at £22 10s. ' The ' Inang'ahua Herald ' of a recent date has the following':—lmmediately upon the, notice' being posted'" outside the camp that the reserve had been thrown open for selection a monster rush took place for the sections, and pegs were put in amid a scene that beggars description. For every favored site there were fully a dozen angry claimants, and in one section we noticed not fewer than forty pegs. The disputes necessarily terminated in blows, and those who the most readily affected pugilistic tendencies succeeded in finally securing interim occupation. -A perfect harvest of litigation is likely to be furnished by the so far worsted claimants.

Mr. W. Hay, the father of the late Mr. J. Hay, formerly editor of! the ' Wellington Independent,' was lately found dead near Ross in Westland.

A recent English work says the royal plate at Windsor is kept in a tolerably sized room and an adjoining closet, and is valued at £1,750,000 sterling. There is one gold service, formed by George IV., to dine 130 guests. Some pieces were taken from the (Spanish Armada, and some brought from India, Burinah, China. There are thirty dozen of plates, which cost twenty-siz guineas each plate. In Nelson, a child has died from the bite of a spider. The * Examiner' narrates the circumstance as,-follows: — "As a lady was visiting the hop gardens one day last week, carrying her infant, about five weeks old, covered with a shawl, the child suddenly shrieked,'and'on moving the shawl a large speckled spider was f6und by the child's hand. A few hours afterwards the symptoms of bite from a poisonous animal showed themselves, and notwithstanding all the care, medical and otherwise, bestowed upon it,' the'poor infant died, about, three days afterwards, the symptoms of blood poisoning being very apparent."

More than £170,000 worth of wool has been shipped direct to London from Hawke's Bay this season, besides a considerable quantity shipped via "Wellington." ' . -

The ' Evening Post'', declares that " it would Be an insult to the people'of New Zealand to suppose that they are fairly represented by the individuals who are at present privileged to write M.H.E. after their names." Talk about a woman without a baby, a man without a wife, a ship, without a rudder, a dog without a tail,-a glass without any cocktail in it: "What is the lack of each one of these individuals or things to that of a man without an advertisement ? .He is a hopeless case —a " gone in community." Talk of his being successful in business! You might as welt "talk of ascending to the -moon on a.greased moonbeam. You never see a man get fat who doesn't advertise: He hasn't money enough to purchase material that fat is composed of. People point at him in streets and say, " Yon Cassius has, a lean and hungry look." He isn't married—of course not. ]STo angel that wears back-hair and crinoline would ever think of uniting her fate to that of such a man. It may, however, be consoling to him to reflect that when he dies he will be advertised at last, , and gratuitously at that.