WIT AND HUMOR.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume II, Issue 129, 18 August 1871, Page 6

WIT AND HUMOR.

The heart's misgivings—eating a mince-pie, and wonJering, after a pause, what the contents were composed of.

If a ship is of the feminine gender, why are not fighting vessels called women-of-war instead of men-of-war ? —Answer that, will you ? A New York carpenter, in advertising for a situation, frankly says that work is not so much of an object as good wages. If you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her above the brim with love of herself; and all that runs over will be yours. A California paper, noticing the death of one of its citizens, remarked that it was most untimely, he should have died twenty years a<j;o. " I never knew," said Lord Erakine, " a man remarkable for heroic bravery whose very aspect was not lighted up by gentleness and humanity." '• My children," said an old man to his boys, scared by a figure in the dark entry, "my children, you will never see anything worse than yourselves." Things should never be done by halves • if it be right, do it boldly ; if it be wronir, leave it undone. livery day is a little life, and our whole life is but a d *y repeated. One of the best temporary cures for pride and affektashun, says Josh Billings, that i hav ever seen tried iz sea sickness ; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.

Bed is a bundle of paradoxes. We go to it with reluctai)re, yet wo quit it with regret; and we make up our minds every night to leave it early, hut we make up our bodies every morning to keep if lafe. A householder in a village between Stamford and Uppingham, in filling up his census schedule, under the column headed-'• Where horn," described one of his children as born "In the parlor," and the other " Upstairs." Nothing makes a young man, who is generally impervious to blushes, ho ashamed of himself as being caught at Doctor's Commons look'ng over the will of the father of the young lady whom he is courting, from a leeffng of the purest affection!

A Happy Temper.—An old pastor, whose peculiarities of preaching were proverbial, and who way blessed°wifch a temper of great value, was one day told by a parishioner that he did not like his sermons. " Well," said the old man, "I do not wonder at it; 1 don't like them much myself." A new-made minister, having occasion to marry a couple as his first official act, and there being quite an assemblage present, he determined to strike them dumb with awe, and so, in winding up, he said, " I pronounce you man and wile, and the Lord have mercy on you sinful souls !" An Episcopal clergyman, woo rather likes a joke, was engaged to read the service for a brother minister, and was hurrying to church a little belated on Sunday morning. A friend, struck by his uncommon speed, inquired, "Sir, why so fast ?" «In order," said he, " that he who runs may read." Teaching the Young Idea.—A Boston teacher asked a new boy who made the glorious universe, but the boy couldn t tell; so the teacher got a rawbide, and told the boy if he didn't tell he would whip him. The boy looked at the whip and snivelled out," Please, sir, I did, but I won't do it again." The testimony of a daughter of the parties to a recent Indiana divorce suit seems conclusive kk Father got tnad because mother starched his stockings. Mother picked up the stockings and hit father on the head with them, and it sounded as though they were sticks of wood. Father then stuffed a hot wheat cake down mother's throat, and then mother sent the dog on father, and twisted the dog's tail to make him bite harder."