WIT AND HUMOR.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume II, Issue 128, 11 August 1871, Page 6

WIT AND HUMOR.

" Now, papa, tell me what in humbug?" "It is," replied papa, ''when mamma pretends to be very fond of me, and puts on buttons on my shirt!" "I thought the wise men came from the east," said a Western man to a Yankee. "And the further you go west the more you'll think so—lra her g tess." Serious Flunkey.—'l should require, madam, forty pounds a year two suits of clothes, two ats, meat and hale three times a-day, and piety hindispensable. A Boston shoemaker has been delighted by the receipt of an order for shoes for a family of a Mormon bishop at halt Lake—twenty wives and about fifty children. "Do you know," said a cunning Yankee to a Jew, "that they hang .Jews and jackasses together in Portland?" Indeed, brother! then it's well that you and I are not there." A lady wrote upon a window some verses intimating her design of never murrying. A gentlemen wrote the following lines underneath : " The lady who this resolution took Wrote it on glass to show it could be broke." Judge Peters, a and a punster, having observed to another judge on the bench that one of the witnesses had a vegetable head, " ilow so r" was the inquiry. "tie a carrottt/ head, re J dink cheeks, a turnip nose, and a f>aqe look " Precarious Income.--Cowden Clarke tells a good story of a gentleman who lately, in making a return of his income to the Tax Commissioners, wrote on the paper: —" For the last three years my income has been somewhat under £150; in future it will be more precarious, as the man is dead of whom I borrowed the m >ney." An Indian irl, who fell in love with a fellow, rode twenty miles, with a revolver in her hand, "to where the chap was chopping in the woods, and told him if he didn't marry her she would mako a tunnel through him. The wedding came off that afternoon. He said he never would quarrel with a worn 'n about a little thing like that.— American paper. Sentiments.--" Behold, Mi.-s Flora, how glorious Nature looks in all her bloom ! The trees are filled with blosBorae, the wood is dressed in its green livery, and the plain is carpeted with grass and flowers !" " Yes, Charles, I was thinking of the same thing. These •lowers are dandelions, and when they are gathered and put in a pot, with a piece of good fat pork, t ey make the best greens in the world !" A butcher about to kiL a cow employed Patrick to hold her. The butcher squinted, and when looking at the cow appeared to look at the man. Pat, tearing he should get knocked down instead of the cow, waid, in much of a hurry, " Sure, man, do you st rike where you luck ? "To be sure I do; where did you think I'd strike?" " Then you may howld the cow yourself, till I get out of the way jest." A certain lighthouse-keeper, newly appointed to a post off the west of Cornwall, was told the other day by the coast-guard officer that complaints were made against him. " For what ?" was the inquiry. " Why," replied the officer, " they say that your lights do not burn 'tfter twelve o'clock atliight." " YVell," was the leply, " J know"they don't, for I put 'em out myself then ; for I thought all the vessels had got in by that time, and I want to sayo the ile."