WIT AND HUMOR.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume II, Issue 124, 14 July 1871, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

In Alabama, a judge was too drunk to sit on the bench, so the sheriff put him in gaol for contempt of court. A Detroit paper accounts for the intemperance of a prominent senator by the fact that he was " brought up on the bottle."

"Why is a lady walking in front of a gentleman like the latest news ?" " Because she is in advance of the mah r

A friend of ours says he is growing weaker and weaker every day. He has got so weak no that he can't raise five shillings

An Irish painter declares in an advertisement that, among other portraits, he has a representation of " Death as large as life."

"I say, Pat," said a Yankee to an Irishman, who was digging in his garden, " are you digging out a hole in that onion bed?" "No," says Pat, " I am digging out the earth and leaving the bole."

# A person of Chelmsford, more ingenious than scrupulous, paid an account by a bill at two months ; but on presenting it at the end of that period, the holder found that it was drawn payable two months after death, instead of after date.

" We must be unanimous," observed Hancock, on the occasion of signing the declaration of American Independence ; " there must be no pulling different ways." " Yes," observed Franklin, "we must all hang together, or most assuredly we will all hang separately." * " What's the price of this article ?"' inquired a deaf old lady. " Seven shillings," said the draper. " Seventeen shillings !" she exclaimed. " I'll give you thirteen." " Seven shillings," replied the honest tradesman, " is the price of the article." "Oh ! seven shillings," the lady sharply rejoined ; "Til give you five!" An .English tourist visited Arran, and, being a keen disciple of Izaak Walton, was arranging to have a good day's sport. Being told that the cleg or horse-fly would suit his purpose admirably for tackle, he addressed himself to Chirsty, the Highland servant girl—" I say, rny girl, can you get me some horse-flies ?" Chirsty looked stupid, and repeated his question. Finding that she did not comprehend him, he exclaimed, " Why, girl, did you never see a horse-fly ?" " Naa, sir," said the simple girl ; " but 1 wanse saw a coo jump ower a preshipice."

A worthy Yankee deacon bad been very industrious in selling a new church book costing seventy-five cents. One Sunday morning the minister, just before dismissing the congregation, rose and said, " All you who have children to baptize will please present them next Sabbath." The deacon, who, by the way, was a little deaf, and having an eye to selling the books, and supposed his pastor was referring to them, immediately jumped up and shouted, " All you who haven't any can get as many as you want, by calling on me, at seventy-five cents. The swine (almost always) hav four legs, tho tha'r iz sum remarkable exceptshuns to this rool Swine are good quiet boarders ; they alwus eat what is sot before them, and dont ask enny phoolish questions. The swine kan be iarnt a great menny amusing things, aich az bigsting the Iron gate oph from the hinges, and finding a hole in the fence to git into the corn field ; but it iz dredful hard work lor them to find fie same hole tew git out at, espcshily if yu are in a hurry to hav thein. This haz niver bin fully explained, but speaks vollums for the swine.