WIT AND HUMOR.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume II, Issue 123, 7 July 1871, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

When you get married burn all your love letters and induce your wife to do the same. The contents of such documents no not improve by keeping. " Jake," said an old farmer one day to one of his mowers, "do you know how many horns there to a dilemma !" " No," replied Jake, " but I know hovr many there are to a quart of whiskey."

" Wife," said a married man, looking for his bootjack after she was in bed, " I have a place for all things, and you ought to know it." " Yes," says she, " I ought to know where you keep your late hours."

A lady may drive in an open carriage with an ugly pug dog by her side, but if a gentleman were to call on his banker for an advance with a crop-eared bulldog at his heels, he would probably come away with a flea in his ear. An old lady was telling her grandchildren about some troubles in Scotland, in the course of which [the chief of her clan was beheaded. "It was nae great thing of a head, to be sure," said the good old lady, " but it was a great loss to him."

Kustic Simplicity.—Visitor from the Country : I beg your pardon, sir, but could you inform me of any theatre where Shakspere is performed ? Opera went: I'm afraid you may think the distance inconvenient, but New York is the nearest place I can remember at present.

An Irishman about to enter the army, was asked by one of the recruiting officers, " Well, sir, when you get into battle, will you fight or run?" "By my faith, "replied the Hibernian with a comical twist of the countenance, "I'll be afther doin', yer honor, as the majority of ye does."

An aged spinster was wont to console herself for by-past disappointments in the matrimonial line by the following reflections : If she had had been married, and had a baby, and the poor thing had crawled into the oven and burned itself to death, what a horrible thing that would have been.

A youg man becoming engaged recently, was desirous of presenting his intended with a ring, appropriately inscribed ; but, being at a loss what to have engraved on it, called upon his father for advice. "Well." said the old man, "put on 4 When this you see, remember me.' " The young lady was much surprised a few days after at receiving a beautiful ring, with this inscription, " When this you see remember father."

Not long ago at Jubbulpoor, two men were brought before a magistrate on a charge of being deserters. The magistrate (to constable)— What leads, you to suppose that these men are deserters ? Constable Their martial bearing. Magistrate—What do you mean by their martial bearing ? Constable—They were very free with their money, were drunk, swore a great deal, and wanted to fight. Magistrate—ls that your definition of military bearing? Constable—Yes, sir. Minute Workmanship.— Boverick, the French artificer, made a chain of two hundred links, with its padlock and key, all weighing together the third part of a grain. He was also the maker of a landau, which opened and shut by springs. This miniature equipage, with six horses harnessed to it, a coachman seated on the box, with a dog between his legs, four inside and four outside passengers, and a postilion riding one of the fore horses, was prawn with all the ease and safety imaginable by a well-trained flea. The inventor and executor of this puerile machine bestowed on it probably as much time as wouldjhave sufficed to produce Watt's fire engine orMongolfier's balloon. A Very Proper Name.—From time to time we have had in London distinguished and generally dusky visitors— Chinese, Japanese, Siamese, Burmese, Parsees, Manganese, &c., who have been remarkable for the striking oddity of their names; but, perhaps, the most singular instance that has ever come under the public notice was in the case of the Eastern prince who attended the Queen's Court lately, and stands on record as " His Imperial Highness Higashi-Fushimi-No-Mia, Uncle to the Mikado of Japan." What burlesque can beat this ?