WIT AND HUMOR.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume II, Issue 120, 16 June 1871, Page 7

WIT AND HUMOR.

A poetical American describes ladies' lips as tlie " glowing gateways of pork and potatoes." A doctor was asked to dance the lancers: He declined, but expressed a willingness to lance the dancers. A western paper thinks that women would not make good statesmen. "The question of the age " always troubles them." . A colored lady boasting the other day of the progress made by her son in arithmetic, exultingly said, " He is in the mortification table." Mrs. Ingham, of lowa, will live in history as the woman whe delivered a thanksgiving sermon while her husband proudly sat at the back of the pulpit holding the baby. Wives who do not try to keep their husbauds will lose them. A man does the courting before marriage, and the wife must do it after marriage, or some other woman will. An old bachelor says : —" It is all nonsence to pretend that love is blind. I never yet knew a man in love that did not see twice as much in his sweetheart as I could." A long-winded Scotch clergyman had discoursed at great length, when one of his weary but witty hearers whispered to a friend, "His tow's dune langsyne, but he's spinnin' awa yet!" A young Hoosier once said to ai Hoosieress, " Sal, 'is there anybody courfcin' you now'?" And Sal replied, " Sam, there is one fellow sorter court-in' and sorter not; but I reckon it is more sorter than not sorter." One day when Erskine was, as usual, on his way to Westminster Hall, with his large bag full of briefs, he was accosted by a boy who asked if he was a dealer in old clothes. " No, you imp," replied the counsellor, "these are ail new suits." An Irishman in distress asked for relief. 'He was repulsed with, "Go to h—11!" Pat looked at him a moment and' then replied, " Grod bless your honour for your civility ; ye're the first gintleman that invited me to his father's house since I came to London." :

The following is told of a young so-

ciety. gentleman, who graduated at Harvard. On the examination in physics he was asked: —Mr , what planets were known to the ancients ?" " Well, sir," he responded, "There were Yenus and Jupiter, and— " after a pause —" I think the Earth, but I'm not quite certain." A wife, who had been lecturing her husband for coming home intoxicated, became incensed at his indifference, and exclaimed, " Oh, that I could wring tears of anguish, from your eyes !" To which the hardened wretch hiccuped, " 'Tai —'tai—'tain't no use, old woman, to bo—bo —bore for water here !" Love in a Cottage.—A young lady who has been married six m-mths says it is all nonsense to talk of love in a cottage. The little rascal always runs ! away when there is no bread and butter on the table. There is more love in a full flour barrel than in all the roses and posies and woodbines that ever grew. A Highlander under the influence of whiskey once, on a very hot day, went to be married by the Hev. Mr. Grant of Abernethy. The service having commenced, the bridegroom was asked, " Are you willing to take this woman to be your wedded wife j 5 " " Yes," be replied, wiping large drops of perspiration from his face, " yes, if I got a drink." Bagpipes.—"There is one advantage about these abominable pipes," soliloquised Pigott, as he descended to the breakfast room musing upon the hidden uses of things, "that they must ensure punctuality at breakfast. I don't believe the seven sleepers of Ephesus, or Kip Van "Winkle, or any historical sleeper, would have been proof against that fellow's din." A very Extraordinary Person. —The following is said to have been copied literally from an old tombstone in Scotland: — Here lies the body of Alexander Macpherson, . Who was a very extraordinary person, Who was two yards high in his stocking feet, And kept Ms accoutrements clean and neat. He was slew At the battle of Waterloo, , Plump through The gullet ; it went in at liis throat And came out at the back of his coat.