WIT AND HUMOR.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume II, Issue 119, 9 June 1871, Page 7

WIT AND HUMOR.

A debating club lately discir'S'd the question Whether a rooster's kuowledge of daybreak is the result of observation or instinct. " How heavy you walk," exclaimed Mrs. Mac Whack, on hearing her husband fumbling up stairs the other night. " Well, my dear, if you can get a barrel of whiskey up stairs with any leas noise I should like to see how its done," exclaimed Mack. Ecclesiastical Proprieties.—"l am," said a reverend rector of the old school, to a liitualist curate, "a martyr to the gout." " Pardon, me, my dear sir," replied the latter, " happily you still survive, You should not call yourself a martyr, but a confessor." Want of Tact.—-Remarking to a fat man, " May your shadow never be less." Saying to a friend whose nasal organ is not conspicuous for beauty, that something is as plain as the nose on his faceAsking a deaf man whether he hears good accounts from his son. A Presbyterian and a Mefchodist had a spirited controversy, in which the former quoted largely from the Epistle to the Komans. " Ah," said the other, •" Paul says so, I know; but then I always thought that he leaned too much towards Calvinism." A distinguished gentleman of Pennsylvania whose nose and chin were both very long, and who had lost his teeth whereby the nose and -jhin were brought near together, was told, "1 am

afraid your nose and chin, will fig lit before long; they approach each other very menacingly." "I am afraid of it myself," replied the gentleman, " for a great many words have passed between them already." Young America. —Some young; rascals were annoying an old gentleman by snowballing his house. lie rushed out and caught a youngster who was standing on one side, and looking on, and thinking him to be one of the offenders, began to administer a flogging. But, to his surprise, the harder he whipped, the harder and harder the boy laughed, until he stopped, and sought an explanation. " Well," said the boy, " I'm laughing because you are awfully sold ; I ain't the boy."

A tradesman in Wakefield was reading a short time ago to his wife . from an oljd newspaper, when he accidentally stumbled on the word " economy." " Economy," said the lady, " I've heard 'that wdrd often. What does it mean, joy ?" " Mean, my lass," said the husband, scratching his whiskers, and looking as though he had been suddenly puzzled—" Why, let me see. Suppose I was to make thee have water porridge and treacle to thee breakfast every morning instead of buttered toast and coifee, why that would be economy." " Well, then," replied the wife, " if that be economy, I want to hear no more about it."

Many years ago, at a dinner party in £ .Glasgow, there was present a kwyer of very sharp practice, fond of giving toasts or sentiments. After the cloth - was removed, and the bottle had gone round once or twice, the ladies withdrew to the drawing-room, all but one very plain old maid. She remained behind, and ap the conversation began to get a little'masculine, our friend of the " long robe " was anxious to get rid of the old maid; and for this purpose rather prematurely asked Mr. Thrumbs 'the privilege of giving a toast. This being granted, he rose and gave the old toast of" Honest men and bounie lasses." The toast was drunk with all honor, when the dame, who was sitting next the lawyer, rose from her seat, gave the lawyer a poke in the ribs with the end of her finger, and, having said, " That toast neither applies to you nor me," left the room. An American paper says that in Chicago bonnets are worn " high," with a reef m the maiutopsail and a spanker over the chignon. A newly-arrived Hibernian was asked at dinner whether he would take some -of the apple pie; l "Is it houlsom ?'•' . inquired Teddy. "To be sure it is " was the reply. " What makes you ask such a question ?", " Becase,".- said the" I once't had an uncle that • was killed with the «/?vZ*-plixv, and sure I thought it might be. something of that sort."