WIT AND HUMOR.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume II, Issue 118, 2 June 1871, Page 7

WIT AND HUMOR.

A Pedigree Note. —Since Gambetta came from " Skye." it is evident he is Scotch by " descent." When a Bristol girl is kissed, she says she is taking chloroform, and remains insensible as long as the operation, lasts. What is the difference between the sound of wedding bells and a divorce case ? —The first is a marriage peal, and the sec <nd a marriage re-i eal. An old farmer said of a minister whose sermons were much wanting in point, " Ah, yes, he's a good man, 1 dare say,but he will rake with the teeth upward." An Irishman being asked in Court for bis certificate of marriage, showed a big scar on his head about the size of a fire shovel. The evidence was considered satisfactory. Lady Yarmeuth asked Garriek one day why love was always represented as a child. He replied, ' Because love never reaches the age of wisdom and experience." Dr. Gumming predicts that one of the first results of the approaching Royal marriage with a Presbyterian nobleman will be a wreath of Orange blossoms. A gentlercnn. who has occasion to walk with two ladies and one umbrel a should always go in the middle —that secures a dry coat to himself, and is showing no partiality to either of the ladies. " You say," said a judge to a witness, "that the plaintiff resorted to an ingenious use of circumstantial evidence; state just exactlv what you mean by that." " Well," said the witness, "my exact meaning is that he lied." A very polite Frenchman applauded vehemently at the close of an exceedingly tedious performance by a fair but wretched musician. " Why do you applaud ?" asked a bystander. " Because it is ended," replied the "Frenchman. A coroner's jury at Terre Haute, brought in a verdict that the deceased died "by the visitation of God, in the usual way." The " usual way " was a dtlicate hint at nit-o-glycerine, as the deceased had a fire that wouldn't go alone, so he poured on a little. The downfall of Louis Napoleon recalls the cutting repartee which he is *- said to have received from Lady Blessington. The Countess had befriended him when he was a poor adventurer in London, and weut to Paris to be near him after he had become prosperous. Much to her chagrin he paid her no attions; but one day, when their carriages were abreast in a throng street, Napoleon said, "Countess, how Ions; •do you expect to remain in Paris ?" She answered, with dignified and ominous wit, " Only a short time. How long do yor expect to remain here ?" Good fob Fife Bodies.—Two Fifemen the other day, not a hundred miles from St. John, N. 8., were naming over places in the " kingdom "• familiar to both,and among other places mentioned were i'aig's Distillery, Young's Distillery, and Guard Bridge Distillery. Addressing a third party, one of them being a " kind o' dry," not very familiar with Islay, and having a vision of how whiskey used to look at " hame," ejaculated, " Ye cud tak' a bottle o' whusky made at ony o' them; gie it a shake, and ye wad see the He stanin' richt up at the tap o't. Man. Andrew, that was the rale iley (Islay) whusky." TJesoluttons to be Silent. —Madame Regnier, the wife of a law officer at Versailles, while talking in the presence of a numerous party, dropped some remarks which were out of place, though not very important Her husband reprimanded her before the whole company, saying, " Silence, Madam ; you are a fool!" She lived twenty or thirty years afterwards, and never uttered a single word even to her children ! A pretended theft was committed in her presence, in the hope of taking her by surprise, but without effect, and nothing could induce her to speak. When her consent was requisite for the marriage of any of her ehildren, she bowed her head and signed the contract. The obstinate, pettish conduct of this woman proved her to be that which her husband said »he was.