WIT AND HUMOR.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume II, Issue 117, 26 May 1871, Page 7

WIT AND HUMOR.

Josh Billings says that opera inusie don't have any more effect on him than ■castor oil would on a graven imi^e.

A traveller who demanded hi* trunk at a Baltimore depot before all others, and was told by the Irish master that he must have patience and wait his turn, turned upon the baggage master with, " You're an impudent dog !" to which he of the trunks rejoined—"An 1 -faith ye are a monkey, and it's a great pity when we two are made beasts ye wasn't an illephant, so that ye could have ver blasted trunk under yer nose all the time."

A Western paper, after chronicling the fact that. Queen Victoria has an income of over tw > millions of, dollars a-year, and yet always keeps her expenses within five hundred thousand, thus saving a million and a-half per annum, remarks, There's a widow worth *' ; izoing tor."

A good story is told of a clergyman who, in the kindness of hi* heart, invited a footman to get into his vehicle for a lift on the road. No. sooner was the man seated than the clerical gentleman, seeking to improve the occasion, asked his companion "If he was prepared to die?" whereupon he leapt out; of the chaise, and ran off at, a <;ood speed, doubtless considering the question to be synonymous ''with your purse or vour life."

In reply to a young.writer who wishes he knew " which magazine will irive the highest position quickest ?'■' a contemporary advises, ." a powder magazine, if you contribute a fiery article." ,:■*■ An editor who was asked to respond to the toast of woman, declined on the grounds that woman was able to speak for herself, and any man who undertakes to do it for her will get himself into trouble.

A little girl, on being asked the meaning of "darkness " as it occurred in Scripture reading, answered—" On, just-steak your een." The same'examiner asked the class what was the " pestilence that walketh in darkness?" After consideration* a little boy answered—"Ou, its just bugs."—' Dean Hamsav.'

A Sh£i!p Ketotit.—A bank airent noted for a cross disposition to customers in financial'difficulties, met one such coming out of a hotel, when he accosted him thus: —" WVII, Mr. , have you- boeri'.in for your bitters?" " No," was the cutting reply ; " when I want my bitters, I go to the bank for them."

The progress of missionary enterprise is well illustrated by a story we have just got from Jamaica. A darkly meeting a Jew one morning recently, knocked him down. "What did you do that for?" shouted the astonished Hebrew ; " I never in my life harmed you in any way." . " Are you not, sir, one of the Jews that crucified our blessed Lord ?" asked Sambo. " " But that occurred nearly two thousand years ago," said the Jew. "I don't care a for that," responded the enraged nigger, " I only heard of it last night."

Two citizens wer3 lately comparing notes upon the merits of their respective spouses. " Mine." said one, *' would be a very good wife, if she were not not so talkative." " Talk al eve /" replied the other, " why, you are a happy fellow ; my wife talks morning, noon, and night V %