WIT AND HUMOR.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume II, Issue 115, 12 May 1871, Page 7

WIT AND HUMOR.

The Bachelor's Toast.—Large fortunes and small waists. Mr. Jenkins teaches book-]: coping in one lesson of three words—" Never lend them." " You went on a bear hunt, I believe." "I did, sir." " Where is your bear meat ?" " I've got none—it was a bare hunt." An English paper, speaking of a verytall actor, says —" By Jove, he's tall enough to act in two parts." W hen a dog gets his head in a fence, it is unsafe to extricate him, unless you enjoy the pleasure of his acquaintance. To celebrate your 104 th birthday, eat eighty-five grains of opium daily, retire at six and rise at three. Capt. Lahbush, of New York, has tried it, and knows. Here is a matrimonial advertisement cut from a (contemporary : —" A young lady of exterior and pleasant appearance wishes to marry a gentleman of just the same way of thinking." Probably the reason why women's teeth decay seoner than men's is not the perpetual friction of their tongues upon pearl, but rather the sweetness of their lips. An Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house he occupied, answered —" If the house were turned topsy-turvy, I'd be livin' on the first flure, sure !" In Chicago, the Kev. Dr. Hatfield, arguing in his pulpit against the woman's reform, declares that " as many men suffer from the effects of a woman's tongue as women suffer from drunken husbands." A man out West, who read that dry copperas put in a bed of ants would cause them to leave, put some in his mother-in-law's bed. to see if she wouldn't go. He says she was there at last accounts. An Oswego damsel tried, hard to commit suicide. She fir.-t threw herself in the canal, but was rescued by 'two young men. ►She then jumped into the river, but another young man saved her from a watery grave. - In her gratitude towards the latter, she had him arrested for assault and battery. ' There is a boy in Vermont who has eleven grand parents living, and he proposes to give a party for them exclusively one of these days, although his five uncles and aunts, his thirty great uncles and aunts, his twenty-six great great uncles and aunts, and his forty second-cousins cousins may feel slighted. Searching Instinct. —A traveller at a hotel in Omaha saw an old greyheaded flea crawling over the page on which he had just registered his name! He went away alarmed, as it was, he said, the first place he was ever in who,re the fleas looked over the hotel register to find out where your room was. Fitz-Hugh Ludl>w, in his narrative of travel in' "The Heart of the Continent," tells of an eccentric genius who improved on the old yarn to the effect that " the weather would have been colder if the thermometer had been longer," by saying he had been where "it was so cold that the thermometer got down off the nail." A man warned his wife in New Orleans not to light the fire with kerosene. She didn't heed the warning.— Her clothes fit his second wi e remark ably well. A singular instance, writes the' (Jeelong Advertiser,' has bet n mentioned to us of the change of fortune which sometimes occur in this Colony. A few years ago there was an industrious lady on a diggings riot a hundred miles from Ararat, who made her living by washing for the diggers Sometimes they paid her in money, and sometimes in scrip, and sometimes, accepting a good' hint from her clients, she invested in shares from time to time ; and the<e investments have turned out so su cessfully that she now ke.eps her carriage, and with a pair of prancing horses drives through the pleasant streets of the pretty township in which she has made her fortune. The ' New York Tribune' calls Napoleon ' a treacherous, perjured, bloody villain,' and also speaks of him as ' a rascally, contemptible charlatan.'