SHORT STORIES.

Manawatu Herald, Volume XLII, Issue 2184, 2 October 1920, Page 1

SHORT STORIES.

After resisting all entreaties of her friends for a long time, an old Scotswoman was at length persuaded to employ the services of a suburban photographic artist. She failed to recognise herself from the first proof submitted for approval. So photo, in hand, she went round to the artist’s studio to see if there was a mistake. “Is this me?” “Yes, madam,” answered the photographer. “It’s a speaking like-, ness.” . “Aweel,” said the old lady resignedly, “it's a humblin’ sieht.” When the last census was being taken in America, the officials ran up against many amusing experiences. Chief among these were the explanations some people offered for the various answers they made to questions put to them,, One of the census workers in a Western province asked a woman if she could read. She answered'that she could not, and then hastened to explain: “I never went to school but one day, and that was in the evening, and wo hadn’t no light, and the teacher didn’t come.” Canon Iloste of Farnham relates that once a Suffolk man and a Suffolk woman came to him to be married. When the parson hade the woman to repeat after him, “To love, honour, and obey,” she said “’hey” instead of “obey.” He tried several times to get her to say it correctly, but always with the same result. At last (he bridegroom waxed wroth and said to the parson, “Do you let her alone; let her say‘ ’bey’ if she likes; I’ll make her say ‘O’ as soon as 1 get her home.” Among the many amusing stories which the founder of the Salvation Army—-the late General William Booth —used to tell is*one concerning a certain woman from one of the slum districts. This woman came to him one day and complained bitterly of Hie bad conduct of her husband, whom she 'described as absolutely Avorthless. The general, who was always rather fond of scriptural quotations, listened patiently until she had finished her tale of woe, then inquired of her solemnly, “Have you ever tried heaping coals of lire upon his head/” “No,” was the instant response, “but I’ve fried ’ot water.” In a certain village cricket team ■there is one player who always makes eslciisive preparations when he goes in to hat. lie makes the umpire give him “centre,” slaps down a piece of uneven lurf, looks carefully round to see where the fielders are—and then usually gels bowled by (he first or second hall. On the occasion of a recent match this batsman was fussing around as 'usual, and began making a very large hole for his hat. “What’s ’e doin’ that for ?” asked one spectator. Promptly came the scornful answer —“ Tie's diggiid for a worm to feed ’is duck!” ,, « The other day a lawyer look one of his women clients out to lunch. He, being discreet, decided to say nothing about the event to his wife. But the tattling friend who always learns of such attains told Mrs Lawyer instead, and that evening he was duly scolded for this misdemeanour.

“But you sometimes go out to lunch with, men who are our friends,’'’ protested lie)' husband, “and I.don’t object. I. can’t see why you should object. Now, what is the difference between your going and my going in this way ?” “Why, (lie difference is in the bill,” smiled the wife. “One way you save it, and the other you pay it." The conversation • had vedred round to dogs. i “Well,” said Brown, “here is a dog story that will take some boating. My friend Johnson had a most intelligent retriever. One night Johnson’s house caught tire. Old Johnson and his wife Hew for the children and bundled them out. Alas! one of them had been left behind; but up jumped the dog, rushed into the house, and soon reappeared with the missing child. Everyone was saved, but Rover dashed through the flames again. What did the dog want? No one knew. Presently he appeared again, scorched and burnt, with —what do you think?” \ “Give.it up!” chorused.the listeners. “With the fire .insurance policy, wrapped in a dam]) towel, gentlemen."