SHORT STORIES.

Manawatu Herald, Volume XLII, Issue 2181, 25 September 1920, Page 4

SHORT STORIES.

A general in the American, Army was recalling one of the incidents ; of his life at a dinner one evening. “There is-a lot of humour —real humour —to be found on battlefields,” he said. “1 remember Die (■use of a retreat which was really a rout. In this retreat the commanding general, as he galloped a longlike the wind, turned to an aide-de-camp, who also was urging his horse to the limit, and asked, ‘Who are our rearguard?’ Tiie aide, without the slightest hesitation, replied, ‘Those who have the worst horses, sir.’ ” Mr Justice Swift used to tell of a man who was 'locked up for beingdrunk and disorderly in Trafalgar Square at midnight. According to the police evidence, the delinquent suddenly (lung his walking-stick into the fountain. “But I do not see how that proves that he was either drunk or disorderly,” remarked The magistrate. “It might only have been eccentricity on his part, you know.” The constable agreed, but went on to explain that the prisoner then proceeded to pat one of the lions on the head and remark to it: “Good ’dog, fetch it!” > A dealer having an order from a lady in the country to buy a, donkey, was obliged to send Ihe animal'by train. When trying to get the donkey iu the truck, after four hours’ hard pushing and pulling and kicking, the dealer was accosted by a parson. “Now, my man, what do you mean by ill-lreatirtg the .minimal, iu, that manner? Can 1 assist yfm in any way; can 1 give you any advice?” “Yes,” replied the dealer. “What advice can I give you?” asked the parson. “Tell me —how did .Noah get two donkeys into the Ark ?” dunes. Smith and Brown had been to a dinner, and had dined well. When they got out at their suburban railway station again they wandered aimlessly down the road where Brown lived. A window was Jluug open, and a shrill voice cried: “What do you mean by coming home in that stale?” The three gazed at one another in a confused sort of way, (lieu-in-quired of liie lady who she was. “I’m Mrs Brown, 1 am,” was (he indignant reply. “Well, you had better come down and pick out your husband, and we shall know which two of ns have still to gel homo.” Ascot, though it is associated just now with horseracing, has been the residence of some celebrated scholars, and Dr. Pusey made his home there when he was not at Ox lord. This once led to an amusing mistake. A sporting parson asked Osborne Gordon, then a famous wit, how Dr. Pusey was going on, and was told that he had “gone to Ascot .’’ “You don’t mean to say that old Pusey has gone racing, at his time of life!” exclaimed the astonished cleric. “Well,” wickedly replied Gordon, “I can tell you for certain that lie is making a hook al» Ascot.” The “book" Dr. Pusey was “making” happened to be his voluminous commentary on Ihe “Minor Prophets.” But his clergyman friend left with a shattered ideal. -

Trying hard to look as if he was always doing that sort of thing, Reginald went into the, out lit ter s shop and asked to see some evening dress lies. They frightened,, him with their long white thinness, and bashfully he asked the shop assistant as to the best way to lie the correct how. “That’s quite easy, sir,” replied the shopman glibly; “you hold the lie in your left hand and the collar in the other. Blip the. neck inside the collar, and then cross the left end of the lie over the right with the left hand, steadying the right end with, the oilier hand. Then drop hath ends and catch hold of the right-hand end with the left hand, and the other with Ihe other. Reverse hands, and then pick up the loose end with the nearest band. Pull this end through the loop with your unengaged hand,' and tighten neatly into place. That's ail, except—” “Except what?” gasped Reginald feebly. “Well, all you’ll have to do then is to disentangle your hands, sir,” said the shopman blithely;