SHORT STORIES.

Manawatu Herald, Volume XLII, Issue 2118, 22 April 1920, Page 1

SHORT STORIES.

“Well, my,dear,” said Mr Dubwaite, as he sat down at the table and squared himself for the eveningmeal, “what have the neighbours been up to to-day?” “I thought you were not interested in the neighbours?” “I’m not. I merely wish to get the usual recital over so that the conversation for the rest of the evening might relate to topics of general information, calculated to instruct the mind or banish ennui.”

Seven-year-old Ethel entered her aunt’s drawing-room, and found that lady sitting with a big box of chocolates open on her lap. Although the little girl gazed longingly at the box for some moments, auntie did not offer her any of the chocolates.

Finally, however, she bethought herself, smiled at the little girl, and inquired: — “Ethel, do you like chocolates?” And Ethel replied: —“Well, you don’t seem to think so.”

A stranger, while in London recently, asked a pedestrian to direct him on his way. His choice falling unhappily on a man .who stuttered dreadfully, our friend became impatient at the man’s confused and obscure directions. This annoyed the stutterer, who was -doing his best, and caused him to exclaim: “Say, d —d —do y —you n —know how m —m —any p—p —p —people there are in L —London?” “Yes, between seven and eight millions,” came the answer. ' “Then w —why p —p —pick on me!” A Scottish emigrant on his arrival at Montreal stopped for a moment to examine a coat hanging in front of a clothing store, when the proprietor asked him if he would not try on the coat.

“I dinna ken but I wad,” responded the emigrant, consulting his watch; and he went in and set to work. 2so matter how often he found a fit, he tried on another and another, till he tried on about 30. Then, again looking at his watch, he resumed his own garment, and walked off, saying: “Wcel, I’ve lost time, nae doot, but hang the fellow that’ll no’ oblige another when he can!”

Young TTarrohy was in love. He had declared his passion to (he young lady, and she had passed him along to her father. Father listened to his tale patiently. “It’s all right so far as I am concerned," (he old gentleman said, “but 1 am afraid that'.Janie will not marry you.”

“Oh, don’t say that!” the. youngman pleaded. “Has she said so?” “No,” said the old gentleman, “but from what 1 know of Janie, if she had wanted you she would have tak.en you without referring you to me.”

Some tithe ago Sir Arthur Conan Doyle arrived in Paris from the Rivieria, and, having hailed a taxi at the station, drove to his hotel. As he paid his fare he was rather surprised when the chauffeur said, “Thank you, Monsieur Conan Doyle.” “How did yon know my name?” asked Sir Arthur.

“Quite simply,” the chauffeur replied. “I read in the newspaper that you were coming from Nice. At the .station I examined you, and saw that you were English. Your hair seemed to me to have been cut by a southern barber, and on the heel of your shoe were traces of Marseilles mud.” Sir Arthur stared at him in astonishment. “Are those the only signs by which you recognised me?” “Oh, no,” said the driver. “There was another. I saw your name printed on your trunk.”

The student had to face the ordeal of an examination in astronomy.

On emerging from the torture chamber, one of his companions asked him how he got-on.

“First rate,” he said “They only asked me two questions, and I answered them both promptly and correctly.”

“What were the questions “The first was: —• “What is a parallax?” and I told them I didn’t know. “And the second was

“Can you calculate an eclipse?” to which I said ‘No.’ I'd like, to see anybody answer two questions more correctly than that!”