SHORT STORIES.

Manawatu Herald, Volume XLII, Issue 2112, 8 April 1920, Page 1

SHORT STORIES.

Brown was going to have sonic alterations made on Ins home, and asked Jones —who had just, got rid of the builders —the best way to go about it.

“Oh,” said Jones, “you call in a decent builder, and tell him the limit you are prepared to pay, being sure that the sum you mention to him is about a quarter of what yon have for the alterations; and then, if yon tire lucky, .and keep your wife away while the work is proceeding, you may get half of what yon want done for about twice the total sum yon want to spend.’’

They are dismissing entertainments of various kinds, and one girl, whose plainness of feature and general air of thin old maidishness was very marked, said:— “For my part, I don't care a rap for your dances and receptions and leas. What I like is a dinnerparty”

“Mercy!” exclaimed another woman, “are you becoming a gourmet?”

“Xu," sti.id the other maid, “the food doesn’t mailer, but it is the one time when 1 am save of having a man on either side of me who can’t get away.”

There was a certain clergyman who was a fearless expounder of right and wrong in the pulpit, hut for prudential reasons maintained in (he domestic circle a considerable reserve of speech and action.

On one occasion when he visited a neighbouring town, the editor of the local paper, who never )>y any chance failed to notice the, presence of a stranger in the town, published (lie following paragraph;

“i)r, is once more, among us for a brief stay. He says and does exactly as he think-: right, without itgard I', the opinions or beliefs of others. His wife is not with him/’

4n Irish agricultural labourer was taken up on a charge of stealing a watch. His employer, Mr C„ was called as a witness to character, and said that he had always found I lie accused honest and upright. Unfortunately there was evidence to the contrary with regard to the ease at issue, and Sam was convicted and sent to prison, to the great distress of his wife, who left the Court weeping bitterly. Said a neighbour, seeking to comfort her: “Och, now, Mary, don’t take on so. Just think what it good character Mr C. gave your man. Sure, we’d never have known what a tine fellow Sam wits if he hadn't stolen that watch.”

Young Cambridge is just now hugely delighted with the latest story about a well-known don. Tins gentleman has a curious habit of, by a slip of the longue, involuntarily nntking up a sort of portmanteau or kaleidoscopic word. It is accomplished by means of mixing up syllables of words succeeding each oilier in it sentence. His best-known and perhaps most perfect success happened in church. Entering one Sunday morning it little bit late, he found :t stranger in his pew.

“I beg your pardon, sir,” be said, breathlessly leaning over (be interloper, “but you are’ oeeupewing my pie.” “Occupying my pew” was, of (‘purse, what in it calmer moment lie would have said.

A daily paper has opened its columns to examples of the speech of Mrs Mulaprop. The mistress in one house, according to her cook, was “ a perfect ptarmigan.'’ That is good, hut as good was the charlady who came one day to announce that she must absent herself because her husband was “had with information in his inside. ’ while she hersell was suitering terribly with “algebra in her face."

The Irish servant was so surprised at something that she “stood there, putrified,” and another, English this time, had reasons for objecting to marriages between white women and coloured men. “M hat I always say," she said in decided accents, ‘‘is that everybody should marry into their own sex.’ 1

The Emperor Alexander of Russia, during the occupation of Paris was present at the anniversary of one of the hospitals. Plates for contributions were passed around by the ladies who patronised the institution. Ihe plate presented to the Emperor was held hv an extremely pretty girl.

The Emperor dropped in a handful of gold, and whispered, “That is for beautiful bright eyes.". The charming little damsel courtesied and immediately presented the plate again. “What 1 ?” said the Emperor; “more?”

"Yes. sir,” said she; '‘now I v/ant t something fur the poor.’

During the reign of Peter the Grout leather money was circulated in Russia.

The longest warship constructed and .soon to go into commission is (lie British bat lie-cruiser Hood, which is 900 ft. long and 42,000 tons full-load displacement. The Dyaks of Borneo pile up heaps of branches of trees to the memory of it person who tells a great lie, so that future generations may not forged his iniquity. The largest sheet or pane of glass in the world is set in the front of a building in-Vine Street, Cincinatti, Ohio.. Id was made in Marseilles, France, and measures 186 in. by 10-1 in. :