CHRISTMAS SHORT STORIES.

Manawatu Herald, Volume XLI, Issue 2071, 23 December 1919, Page 4

CHRISTMAS SHORT STORIES.

THE SCAPEGOAT. The Kid: “Why should they tell us there is a Santa Claus if there isn’t?” His Sister: “Mother and father want someone to lay the blame on if we don’t get the presents we'wish for,” "' ANOTHER WAKE. Muleahy, with one side of his face badly swollen, stepped into the dentist’s office one morning. “I want ye to see what’s the matter wid me tooth,” said the Irishman. The dentist made the necessary examination, and said: “The nerve is dead. That’s what’s the matter.” “Thin, be the powers!” exclaimed Muleahy, “the other teeth must be boldin’ a wake over it!” POINTED. The tram was crammed to overflowing, and Christmas parcels and Christmas turkeys mingled with the holly and mistletoe of Mrs Miggs, the flower-woman, whose ample proportions were spentd over a large expanse of seat. A small boy opposite stuck Jinnly to bis seat, despite tiic fact that many lady passengers were straphanging. “Sonny,” remarked the fat lady, reprovingly, “why don’t you stand up, and let a lady sit down?” “Well, mum,” came the.response, “I was just thinking; if you stood up five ladies could sit down!” KIND, BUT DULL. Arabella put down her novel with a sigh. It was a Christmas gift from her better half. • “What is it, darling?” asked ho. “Ah, dearest, I’m so happy,” she replied. “But you had such a sad look in your eyes just now.” “I know. I’ve been reading about the unhappiness that the wives of men of genius always have to hear. Oh, John, dear, I’m so glad you’re just an ordinary sort of fellow!” SOMETHING WRONG, The day was drawing to a close. Judge, jurors, witnesses, and lawyers all were growing Avcary. Counsel for the prosecution was crossexamining the defendant. “Exactly how far is it between the two towns?” lie asked at length. For some time Paddy stood thinking, then : “About four miles as the cry Iknvs," came the answer, “You mean as the flow cries,” corrected tiie man of law. The judge leaned forward. “No,” he remarked, sauvely. “He means as the fly crows.” And then all looked at one another, feeling that something was Avrong someAvhere. IN RETURN. She was bubbling over Avith Christmas spirit. She could'keep it no longer. “Dearest,” she exclaimed to her husband, “I just can’t Avail till Christmas to tell you Avhal Fvc got you for a present.” “Well,” replied the young husband, “what is it?” “I’ve got you a huav rug to put in front of my dressing table, and a bronxe statuette for my parlour mantelpiece,” she blurted out. “And noAv, Avhat are you going to get me?” “Well,” he replied, contemplatively, “I think 1 shall get you a new briar pipe and a safety razor!” OVER THE TELEPHONE. It Avas not. often that old Mr Meariem gave his family a good time, but Victory Christmas Avas different. Even he intended to make a splash. Pull of good intentions, therefore, he rang up the local theatre, Avhere “Puss in Boots” avus in full SAving. “1 want four seals for Boxing Night,” ii.e told the box office OA r er the telephone. “Sorry—-but we don’t reserve seats,” came the faint reply, “First come —first served is our rule!” “But, surely I can reserve the seats noAv —we sba’n’t stand a chance otherwise.” “Oil!” said the voice, chuckling. “I’m not so sure about that!” Mr Meanem promptly lost his temper. “Look here!” he stormed. “Send someone to the ’phone Avho knuAvs the theatre business!” “This isn’t a theatre at all,” replied the voice. “This is the gaol.” , WHY HE MADE GRIMACES. After the Christmas party they both felt very pleased with themselves and things in general. They sat together in a cosy little corner, and by and by he took bis courage in both hands and proposed to her. There avus no hesitation on the lady’s part as she accepted, and a moment later they occupied but one chair, Avhilst she nestled closely to his manly breast. Suddenly she started, frowned, and looked him full in the face. “Albert,” she said, “you are untrue to me. You are playing a game Avith me! You —” “Darling,” be whispered, “Avhat V “You — you — you —you’re making faces at me!” she thundered, indignantly. “1 can’t help it,” be muttered, sadly. “My eyeglasses are fulling off, and I don’t want to let go of your dear little hand!”